when i lost my friend i lost trust

[saxman]

When i lost my long time friend from a sudden death, unexpected.. i lost most of the trust i lost, the ability to express in words how and when i felt..He Jerry was the person that i was in Nam with and has been my friend ever since.He was the person that i was able to start to venture out into the world with. im angry im hurt im left alone. Maybe ill see him on the Last Train.,,,,,,,im Sad im looking forward to tomorrow, im looking for some answers to how there might be a tomorrow. My Meds are Fine for anyone that knows me. Im just feeling. Feelings are new to me .im soooooo Looking for the mail person to bring me the last thing i purchased from the PF. Not the Last but the most recent purchase of many to come. Im not going to tell what i bought but i cant wait to get it.im sad but looking and going to see tomorrow. Peace i miss my Friend Jerry, LOTS!!! Thanks for being there

[Eva]

Saxman, I lost my best friend (who I was also very much in love with) due to a serious kidneydisease in 1997. It was very hard for years. Like you, I felt angry, hurt and left alone. And immensly sad. I still miss him now and then. I wonder what he would have thought of my choices, of the person I have become. I wonder what his life would have been like. The only thing I can say that might comfort you that through the years I learned to live without him in my life. After a while I was able to feel good again, to feel joy again, to fall in love again. He will always be missed but I found ways to enjoy life again. You will find ways too. Your family and music seem to give you a lot of joy.

Take care, Mike!

Eva

[saxman]

its llike he put steping stones down for me to begin to walk again. Then was gone. i realize that its up to me but its so hard to trust again. the next step might sink me, or take me to a place he saw That i have not understood. Jerry was most of the time happy writing and he had a purpose in life that i dont. thats the difference . i dont have a purpose, im for the most part always in hiding

[saxman]

im sorry i sometimes think that what i see and hear in my mind is brodcast on the news channel CNN. im slipping through the chanells and want to connect to many but will settell for most. Please Play Dance , sing . do whatever it takes to feel good inside your heart. Please forgive me if this message is late.

[Randy & Betty in Pa]

My friend, this afternoon I got mail and I have to say it did my heart GREAT... You see, I guess we all run kind of in cycles.... Depressed one day and grinning like a chesire cat the next (What the hell is a cheshire cat anyway?)....Your mail brought a great smile to both Betty and I... Just know this Mike, You've got a special place in our hearts from a special night that will NEVER be forgotten... You and your entire gang of SaxmanMikians are a very special kind of people and to me it is an honor and privilege to know you.... Now come visit! The week of the Janis concert in October would be a great time....

Please Tell Lonye we expressed our thanks ....

Thanks for being you Mike.

Best to you and all you hold dear

R. from Pa

[ponytail]

We don't really know each other yet, but I'm sorry for your loss, Mike. I'm sending prayers your way. I've lost a number of dear friends over the years to cancer and AIDS, and I know what it's like. Last year my favorite teacher died of breast cancer -- we had been good friends for over 30 years, and she had been a major influence on my life. It's hard, but it does get easier. Ultimately, we all carry our late friends with us in our hearts, and that way they're still with us and always will be.

[DaveM]

Mike, this may sound a bit strange. I've had as many trusted people betray me as anyone else, but I never let them steal the one thing of mine that is truly mine: the willingness and ability to trust. Mind, I try to learn from my mistakes and someday perhaps I'll become accomplished at this thing called life. But the day I lose my ability to trust will be the day that those who have betrayed me defeat me. And I don't want that to happen.

So, I still get betrayed, I still get hurt, despite my best efforts. But I also know who my true friends are, and that's something I'd never know if I became unwilling to be vulnerable when the time was right. And beside that, the people who have screwed me over are practically meaningless.

And you know what else? My experience has been that the people who have betrayed me have wound up getting themselves into far more trouble than I ever could have caused them had I attempted to "get even". Some say that what goes around comes around. I'm here to tell you that it's true.

The main thing that is required is patience. And that does not always come easy. But try....the rewards will be more than worth it.

[Dee]

Thank you for trusting us with your innermost thoughts and feelings, Mike.

(((hug)))

[BeckyVA]

Saxman,
sorry for your loss and the feelings you have of not being able to trust. You have been here supporting me and Randyva and I've never personally met you. Trust is a risk but the true rewards far outweigh the missed opportunities. You have free will; don't let anyone else keep you from trusting as previously said, that will defeat you. I trusted all of you with the pain and fear me and my family were going through and all of you embraced our struggle, cared for us, showered us with support and wow, what a missed opportunity we would have experienced without taking the chance to share with you our struggle. Keep playing your songs...they helped me! If Jerry put down stepping stones for you, he gave you a beginning of a path way for what he knew you'd need....let us help you walk the path he began for you and try to embrace "new" trusts. I know you are a valuable person on this message board and I want you to know that you are blessed to have felt you could share the way you did. I will be going overseas on Tuesday for two weeks and won't be available to email you but believe me, I WILL keep you in my prayers daily and I will touch base with you when I return. Thank you Mike for all you did for me during my time of need, please allow me to help you as well. Keep posting!;)

[hoops]

Mike, the ups and downs of loss are so challenging, you think you've made it over a hill and suddenly you find yourself right there at the hbottom of that same hill again. The hardest part is it isn't any easier the next time and sometimes it's harder. I lost my grandmother more than 15 years ago and i STILL cannot get myself feel at all comfortable when i go up there to visit family that now owns the land wher she lived. It is probvably the peaceful place in the world too, on a lake in the woods woth no neighbors, no traffic, no "noise" .I'm not trying to depress you man, i just want you to know that how you are feeling is ok, it's you and it's what you need at this moment in time. I'm so glad you are here on the board to share your good times and your5 not so good time, because you and i have a lot in common, and YOU help me to deal with some of the stuff that happens in my life. peace to you mike, when ever you can find it, peace to you
Noel

[saxman]

The Good in Janis has brought me into the lives of Many Friends that i have met here by being able to open up and share my Thoughts . The Good news is that My willingness to post my thoughts here means i TRUST the Good People here and the fact that i can speak honestely here without worry is Progress for me . Its when i shut down i scare myself , so Im in A GOOD place Thanks for The Help i get here, Its overwhelming sometimes when i touch someone elses heart and when mine is felt in return.Thanks everyone . Peace

[Randy & Betty in Pa]

We love you Mike.

R.

[BeckyVA]

Mike,
glad to hear that you have recognized the trust that is within you. Whenever you feel the need, jump on the message board and share...that's what we're here for. I'm glad to be part of the group that once welcomed me in and now if I can help by being a good listener for you and help in any way, I am the better for it. Hang in there. Glad you posted.
Becky;)

[Dee]

For what it's worth Saxman, I have seen a great deal of change in the personal nature of your posts in the time you've been posting here. It's never easy to let ourselves feel exposed, but by now I hope you know you can trust us with your innermost self.

PS: Give Joy a little squeeze for me tonight. :D

[saxman]

I Thank you . Your words mean a great deal to me . Thanks and Becky im still playing. !