Church bulletin announcements

[Dee]

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a
nursery downstairs.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those
things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of
Father Jack's sermons.

The Priest will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing "Break Forth Into Joy."

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to
a conflict.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment
and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

[NinasSpaceChild]

Brilliant. :D Are those real?

They have a section in The Guardian every Saturday where people send in misprints etc and they always cheer me up.

[Dee]

Not sure Dylan, but I thought they were silly enough to be. :p

[Eva]

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

I have seen them a couple of times and they always make me laugh. Especially this one (see quote)

Eva

[mixtymotions]

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Must be one of those Southern Baptist Churches. Graciousness is a Southener's specialty.

[Dee]

Two Southern Belles were daintily sipping Mint Juleps and conversing on the verandah of a beautiful mansion.

One of the Belles turned to the other and said, "When our first child was born, my precious husband surprised me with an exquisite diamond bracelet."

The other Belle replied sweetly, "How lovely."

The first Belle went on to say, "And when our second child was born, he up and bought me a gorgeous pair of ruby teardrop earrings.

The other Belle, again smiling very sweetly, responded softly, "How lovely."

The first Belle continued, "And when our third child was born, that darlin' man presented me with the keys to that Mercedes-Benz parked over yonder under that oak tree."

Sugar dripping off her tongue now, the other Belle replied, "How lovely."

The first Belle, fidgeting with curiosity, could wait no longer, "Whatever did your husband do for you when your children were born?"

The other Belle smiled sweetly and answered in her soft, genteel voice, "Why, he sent me to charm school."

"Charm school? What on earth for, child?"

"So that I could learn to say, 'How lovely' instead of, 'Who gives a damn’

[ponytail]

To answer NinaSpaceChild's question -- the church bulletin quotes are real. They were collected in the book "Anguished English." And ever since folks have been posting them and e-mailing them to each other! I never get tired of seeing them.

[Dee]

Anguished English (http://www.primapublishing.com/catalog/display.pperl?isbn=9780440203520) by Richard Lederer. Funny little book. If you're into words and the use of them, you'll really like it. I have a copy on my book shelf.

Anguished English is the impossibly funny anthology of accidental assaults upon our language. From bloopers and blunders to Signs of the Times to Mixed Up Metaphors...from Two-Headed Headlines to Mangling Modifiers, here is an outrageous treasury of assaults upon our common language that will leave you roaring with delight and laughter.

[Eva]

Oh, that's so cool! I love books like that. I love 'playing' with language. A book like that also came out in Dutch. Like the text of a sign next to a hotel that pointed towards the thermal baths. It said: "Terminal baths, this way". :eek: Honey, maybe we have to book a different vacation after all...

Eva

[Skalv]

I used to work for a Southern Baptist Church and we had one of those ancient signs that required each letter be put up on the end of a long pole. Well our custodian was a bit older & not the brightest light and one week instead of "Tarry A While...Sunday Morning sermon 10:45 am" he put "Terror A While...Sunday Morning 10:45 am". It was a riot

[hoops]

i lived in texas for about a year. in the little city i lived in i think there were 12 baptist churces,You couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting a baptist church, but only 1 first baptist church anyway there was some sort of strange competition going on to come up with the best clichesfor their out door signs, i mean they were changing daily!!1 it was a riot

[Melba]

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

Geesh, talk about giving someone a psychological complex....LOL

[Dee]

The following was compiled by Richard Lederer, who teaches English at St. Paul's School and is the author of Anguished English, from which this piece is excerpted. Mr. Lederer says "It is truly astounding what havoc students can wreak upon the chronicles of the human race. I have pasted together the following history of the world from genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eigth grade through college level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot."

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies, and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. Early Egyptian women often wore a garment called a calasiris. It was a sheer dress which started beneath the breasts which hung to the floor. The pyramids are a range of mountains between France and Spain. The Egyptians built the pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?" God asked Abraham to sacrifice Isaac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son of Isaac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a patriarch who brought up his 12 sons to be patriarchs, but they did not take to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. Later came Job, who had one trouble after another. Eventually, he lost all his cattle and all his children and had to go live alone with his wife in the desert.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intollerable. Achilles apppears in The Iliad, by Homer. Homer also wrote The Oddity, in which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline. In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath.

Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in any one place for very long. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus." Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them. Rome came to have too many luxuries and baths. At Roman banquets, the guests wore garlics in their hair. They took two baths in two days, and that's the cause of the fall of Rome. Rome was invaded by ballbearings, and is full of fallen arches today.

Then came the Middle Ages, when everyone was middle aged. King Alfred conquered the Dames. King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery with brave knights on prancing horses and beautiful women. King Harold mustarded his troops before the Battle of Hastings. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. And victims of the blue-bonnet plague grew boobs on their necks. Finally, Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

(yes, there is more (http://larae.net/humor/history.html)) ;)

[mixtymotions]

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.

I can't stop laughing :D