Not doing well

[Eva]

I am so tired and there is so much to do and think about. I feel I just can't anymore. Having Max hre is fine. He gives me structure and good company. But I feel I am drowning in my life as a whole:
1. I lose my job from of Nov 1: it does give stress even if I don't really mind anymore.
2. I have to look for a new job. Look for them, write letters, talk with people. It's a lot of effort and it gives stress too. Even though I am okay with it.
3. My womens' SM group is dying. We don't have enough volounteers and the voluonteers we have (including me) are tired and are getting demotivated. I have so many tasks it' just not fun anymore. And I am on the board for 6 years now. I feel responsible. But I am too tired to do something about it. It also gives me stress. Maybe I care for the existence of this group more than for the museum, to be honest.
4. My house is a mess and it's a mess in my head. More stress.

You know, I feel it's too much for me to handle. I have had two panickattacks this week. I haven't had them in a long time. It's a bad sign. I have asked help for my house. My friend is coming next week. I have made progress in the last weeks / months with some of my rooms, so she knows I am serious about this and not just asking her to clear my mess for me. She is not my cleaninglady. In fact, it's fine with me if she just sits down and let's me do the work. I need her mostly for structure, encouragement and some comfort sometimes. She is good at that.

For my women's group I feel I can't ask more of the volounteers than I already ask of them. This same friend is one of the volounteers, by the way. And of course they are calling me on my responsibilities too. To be honest. I have no idea what I can and can't do. I feel my creativity is dead and I don't have the energy for anything. I don't even know what to tell them because I just don't know myself :( If it has to die it has to die, I guess. I feel so very bad about this. I have worked so hard for this group and I find it's existence important. But I am too tired to do anything basic even.

My collegue and friend is very supportive with the jobthing. She actively seeks jobs for me and helps me find structure in writing them. She is also quite demanding by saying that I have to have a letter ready by a certain date and all. It's okay, it's something that helps me. And I am making progress here. Nevertheless, it's still not enough and I still don't have a new job.

So you see; I do get help. I asked some to help me and others have offered and I have taken the offer. But I am still very tired and now also feel that I am letting them down if I can't make it. I wish I could go into hybernation for a month or three (together with Max) and that I would wake up all energised and able to really do something about my difficulties. This crawling towards results and that it takes so much of me is making me crazy. I feel so overwhelmed... :(

Eva

[Dee]

Sounds like it's time for one thing at a time Eva. http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k267/deemark/Emoticons/hug.gif

[Amy in Vermont]

Eva, my darling pirate femme,

Hang in there. I was in a very similar place just about 12 years ago. I was unemployed, with NO unemployment compensation, for 5 months. It was during a time of economic uncertainty, and job hunting was excruciatingly depressing. I was even willing to relocate, and couldn't find anything. I eventually took a job that paid about half of what I had been earning, just to keep the wolf from the door.

As far as your group goes.. been there too. Volunteer burn out is very real, especially when you have a limited pool to draw from. There comes a time when without an infusion of fresh "blood" and enthusiasm, the rewards no longer outweigh the energy one puts in. So it may be time to let it go.

And the house... been there. You do what you need to do to make yourself feel good. I understand completely about needing help.. even just someone to talk to while you do it!

Things will get better. Don't get discouraged. Make time to count your blessings.. you will be amazed!

[Sara]

Eva,

Know that there are many here who care about you very much. I expect you know that, already, but keep it uppermost in your mind. You sound like a very sensitive person to me, and that's a good thing. Remember to give yourself the same kind of caring, supportive messages that you would give to others you care about. Know that it's okay to seek and accept help and support from others. You might want to treat yourself to a deep massage from a friend. Please remember to take care of yourself physically as well as emotionally. If you haven't done so recently, you might want to see your doctor to rule out any possible physical component to your difficulties.

As stressful as it is for you now, it will get better and so will you! Keep on taking it one step at a time so you won't become too overwhelmed. As I've learned from others on this board, I also send you good Rudie vibes. I care.

[Elliott]

I wish I could help you feel better. The best part of this situation seems to be that you know exactly what needs to be done, and are willing to do it. And you can only do one thing at a time. Please know that we are all here for you in the ways that we can be. I'm glad that you can ask for help... Love, Elliott

[hoops]

Eva,
You are working so hard and not rewarding yourself for what you HAVE done, mostly getting down because of what you can't or don;t want to do. You're depressed. and my dear friend, you need help. more then just the help of a good friend, but professional help, a therapist to talk too, who can give you skills to cope with what you are going thru. not to get you thru it but to give you skills to get thru it. you may need a med adjustment...probably do. with all the stress you are under, it's no wonder you are depressed, you are physically depressed. please seek professional help and know that we all are here for you to listen if you would like to talk. you can always call me, PM me and i will give you my # if you like. you have a lot of good supportive friends and i know all of us rudies are sending out rudie vibes to you and positive thoughts and prayers. it will get better and you will get stonger and i hope it happens very soon. i've been praying for you to find the right job. i know you will just in time. i love you woman, and i mean that. please please please, from someone who knows what it means to need professional help...please get some for you. see a DR. right away.
love and peace
Noel

[coffeegyrl]

My dear Eva,
Hoops is right. This is not just sad and tired, it's depression. I've been dealing with depression for years and know how it feels to try to do what needs to be done while walking through waist-high mud. Behavioral tools are very helpful, but if the brain chemistry is off they will only do so much. Get medical help. See a therapist. Use the support systems that you have and then work to expand them. Life is too short to continue to feel bad when something can be done to help it. I am sending you love, prayers and rudie vibes. We are all behind you. Hang in there Pirate Queen!

Oh, and YOU'RE BANNED!
oops, wrong thread :p

and don't forget to laugh whenever you can

[Kath of the Guitar]

Dear Queenie, Hoops is right, do something to pamper yourself.
Clear out the house, and the clutter in your mind will disappear!
You can't work in a state of confusion, nor can you think!
Meditation, has it's place also, Quiet the Mind!
We're always here for you!

I'm sending you {{Rudie Vibes}} and {{{HUGS}}}:)

[lucille]

Eva, get yourself off to a psychiatrist. You shouldn't let too much time go by before you seek help. You probably well know that tiredness and lack of motivation are sure signs of depression. Do you have a couple of friends who can come in a clear up your house, as I know you can't, and you will feel a little better if you are in a clear and tidy space. Max is a good diversion as you have to keep on top of your emotions whilst you are looking after him, but when he goes you could drop suddenly. Go and see a doctor, that's an order.

Love from Oz.

[Eva]

Thanks everyone. I feel really encouraged by the fact that you care and that I can talk here.

I called in sick today. I need to sleep a bit and just sit down and make a plan for myself. I am so confused. There is so much to do, I don't know where to start. I went to the doctor. He told me to 'take it easy'. Well yes, I could come up with that :rolleyes: But I feel I don't have time to relax. He is reluctant to give me something that calms me because of my sleepapnea. If I really want it I can get it for times of crises. Like when I am panicking again.

Also he sent me to the clinic to do some bloodtests. Maybe my tiredness has other reasons (too) He wants to do a check because I take my regular medication every day (anti-epileptics, anti-depressants) Also he wants to check if my thyroid works as it should. I am going back in four days for the results.

For now I plan to vacuumclean (it's a mess) and there are a million other things on my agenda. But I think I will settle for taking a nap and writing another applicationletter. My friend / collegue has 'demanded' one and she is right. Max will be home between two and four. I hope he will be so tired that I can do my thing for a few hours.

Eva

[BGG]

Hey Sweetie...

WOW! As others have pointed out here, you have way too much on your plate and on your mind.

I agree with the masses... your friends. We are your friends and we want you to do what is needed to pull yourself out of this despair.

I do think it's a good idea for your doctor to run some blood tests... and checking thyroid levels is never a bad idea. However, you need to have a doctor who understands about the panic attacks too. I hate it when they tell you to take it easy - slow down - get some rest. No ****, Sherlock!

Panic attacks are very, very scary and no one should have to suffer through them if there are options available that will alleviate them. Tell the doctor that you will not take them within an hour of going to bed. Also think natural remedies... and keep holding Max.

And call on us - any of us - any time... OK?!?

Can you feel us just holding your hand, Eva? Just close your eyes and feel us, we are there.

Michelle (and Rachel of course)

[SongDragon]

Keep your chin up, Eva! I understand what you're feeling, though on a different scale of course (school, midterms, drama, forgot to get sleep on the weekend, responsibility). Take care, my pirate queen. My thoughts are with you, and if you just need to talk alloud to try to work things out, we're all here for you.

~Song

[aabram]

I am so tired and there is so much to do and think about. I feel I just can't anymore. Having Max hre is fine. He gives me structure and good company. But I feel I am drowning in my life as a whole:
1. I lose my job from of Nov 1: it does give stress even if I don't really mind anymore.
2. I have to look for a new job. Look for them, write letters, talk with people. It's a lot of effort and it gives stress too. Even though I am okay with it.
3. My womens' SM group is dying. We don't have enough volounteers and the voluonteers we have (including me) are tired and are getting demotivated. I have so many tasks it' just not fun anymore. And I am on the board for 6 years now. I feel responsible. But I am too tired to do something about it. It also gives me stress. Maybe I care for the existence of this group more than for the museum, to be honest.
4. My house is a mess and it's a mess in my head. More stress.

You know, I feel it's too much for me to handle. I have had two panickattacks this week. I haven't had them in a long time. It's a bad sign. I have asked help for my house. My friend is coming next week. I have made progress in the last weeks / months with some of my rooms, so she knows I am serious about this and not just asking her to clear my mess for me. She is not my cleaninglady. In fact, it's fine with me if she just sits down and let's me do the work. I need her mostly for structure, encouragement and some comfort sometimes. She is good at that.

For my women's group I feel I can't ask more of the volounteers than I already ask of them. This same friend is one of the volounteers, by the way. And of course they are calling me on my responsibilities too. To be honest. I have no idea what I can and can't do. I feel my creativity is dead and I don't have the energy for anything. I don't even know what to tell them because I just don't know myself :( If it has to die it has to die, I guess. I feel so very bad about this. I have worked so hard for this group and I find it's existence important. But I am too tired to do anything basic even.

My collegue and friend is very supportive with the jobthing. She actively seeks jobs for me and helps me find structure in writing them. She is also quite demanding by saying that I have to have a letter ready by a certain date and all. It's okay, it's something that helps me. And I am making progress here. Nevertheless, it's still not enough and I still don't have a new job.

So you see; I do get help. I asked some to help me and others have offered and I have taken the offer. But I am still very tired and now also feel that I am letting them down if I can't make it. I wish I could go into hybernation for a month or three (together with Max) and that I would wake up all energised and able to really do something about my difficulties. This crawling towards results and that it takes so much of me is making me crazy. I feel so overwhelmed... :(

Eva

Oh Eva, sweetie, tell me about it. I'm STILL looking for a job :( but I hope Catherine may have found hers. It's never easy being middle aged, but somehow, we will always get there no matter what. You will always have a shoulder to cry on, sweetie.

Annabel

[Eva]

Yes Michelle, I feel your lips on my red shoes. Oh wait... I mean I feel you are holding my hand :o But seriously, thanks everyone!

Eva

[trish55]

Eva,
sorry you are having such a difficult time. Life is not easy at times. I can empathize with what you are going through as I have suffered from depression, job loss etc. All I can say is it will get better. You can't control everything, what I found helpful for me is accepting that and trying to live one day at a time. I found my worries disappeared if I didn't think in the future. Meditation, prayer, taking one step at a time. God bless you and may He keep you strong.

[Dar]

Oh Eva,
Sorry you're going through such a rough patch! Everyone has given such terrific advice. All I can add is, know that you are loved and appreciated and you have a whole pile of folks who want very much for you to be as happy as you deserve to be. You are a sweet darling woman who brings joy to everyone she meets..........when she's not flogging them. although I guess that's a different sort of joy :eek: ;)

[KarenSews2]

Chin up, my Pirate Queen. I'm wishing you brighter days!

Hugs,
Karen

[Bat]

Back for a second round of good wishes. I have probably been where you are and didn't know what it was, except all I wanted to do was sleep and go far, far away...not a real great happy place to be, obviously. But I know.

So...have a nice cup of cocoa with some really good toast, concentrate on how good it tastes, enjoy the moment to the fullest. Then you know you have a great happy moment to savor for the rest of the day. One nice thing at a time...then you can do a bit of dusting, again, one thing at a time, quit when you want, and know that you did a good thing or three today.
It's the little things that count.
Know we love you and feel a little better for knowing it.
Nice warm hugs,
Bat

[Eva]

It's the little things that count.
*sigh* I guess so. I feel I don't have time for little things :( In no particular order:

I need to work, I need to get the newsletter out, I need two write two more pieces for the newsletter, I need to prepare my workshop, I need to give a workshop, I need the to call the owner of the workshopplace to ask what they have freaking done to the alarm this time, I need to write an applicationletter, in fact I need to write at least two this week, maybe three, I need to write several pieces for the website, I need to do my laundry, I need to clean the floor, I need to clear the mess in my livingroom, I need to clean my bathroom, I need to organise my administration, I need to organise the administration of my group, I need to pay my bills because I am behind, etc.

And it's almost all a priority. Well, you get the picture...

And oh, I need to sleep. I have been up from of 5 am because I can't sleep. I can't get that newsletter out of my mind to start with... :(

Eva

[Ginny]

Eva, I’m sorry to hear that you are not doing well. Please take care of yourself as best you can, concentrating on increasing your amount of quality sleep. This is certainly the time to be in close contact with your doctor.

And I haven't been keeping up with your "Max" thread, so I'm off to go read it now... you are a quality writer!

~ Ginny

[Eva]

Thank you for the care and the compliments Ginny :)

Eva

[RedjackRyan]

My dear, you always have the incorrigable Redjack at your side.

[Eva]

My dear, you always have the incorrigable Redjack at your side.
And that is supposed to make me feel better!? :eek:

Eva

[david uk]

Eva, if you fancy a Skype chat/talk anytime, just shout :)

[angelgirl]

Hi Eva,
Sounds like your in the midst of stormy waters with all the pending changes you mentioned. It does'nt help when there is a global mist of fear feeding the chaos of the economy. Try not to listen to the doom and gloom. Instead, embrace the change as opportunites for all the treasure that is waiting to come into your life.

I picked a Wisdom card (Louise Hay) with you in mind. These are the words of the card which I randomly selected; "I treat myself with unconditional love". The picture on it is of a woman embracing a flower growing in pot, holding it close to her heart. Eva, keep asking yourself "what is the loving thing for me to do just now".... and do it! Does'nt matter about anything else, all will work out when you do the loving thing for yourself...its like connecting with your inner compass.

This might sound a bit daft but it has helped me in the past when going through stuff. Select a pair of shoes/boots you are drawn to and wear them. Give your full attention to your feet in them and feel your connection with the earth beneath you. Walk slowly feeling each step connecting with the earth below and breathe it in.

Calmer waters are on the horizon...you are loved by many as you sail through these rough waters. Follow your wonderful compass!

Much love, o pirate queen!


angelgirl xxx