Let's Start a New Joke Line

[geula]

Hi to all,
To lift our spirits up, here's a nice joke. Enjoy.

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well
until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he
could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a
divorce could depend on the circumstances, and asked him the
following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real
grudge?
No, we have carport, and not need one.
I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on
shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish Remover"

[Manchester]

With your lovely red hair, you don't feature in these.

A "friend" sent me the first joke here in an email:

Two blondes were on a plane flight one day, when an announcement was made.

“Good morning, this is your captain. I have to report that one of our engines has failed. This is nothing to worry about, as you are on a four engined plane. It just means that our flight will take one hour longer.”

Some time later, and another announcement was heard.

“This is your captain again. I have to report that another engine has failed, but please do not worry. It simply means that our flight will now take two hours longer.”

Some time passed, and another announcement was made.

“Hello everyone, this is the captain again. A third engine has failed, but please do not panic. I can safely fly this plane on just one engine. It means, however, that our flight will now take three hours longer.”

One blonde turned to the other and said, indignantly, “I hope the fourth engine doesn’t fail. If it does, we’ll be up here all day!”


To which I replied "Oh, to be a Brunette", and he then sent me this:


Q. What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
A. A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

Q. What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
A. No one else wants it.

Q. What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
A. Invisible.

Q. What's a brunette's mating call?
A. "Has the blonde left yet? "

Q. Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
A. The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

Q. Why is brunette considered an evil color?
A. When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

Q. What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
A. The invitation

Q. What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
A. A hostage

Q. Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
A. Because it matches their moustache


Hey! I don't write them, I just pass them on!
:D

[geula]

Hi Anne,
Thanks. Here's another red one, esp. for you. Have fun.

Red Headed Baby

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.
"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."
"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have
black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."
"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had
jet-black hair for generations."
"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"
The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the pastyear.
We only made love once or twice every few months."
"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently...
"It's rust."

[geula]

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish
you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you open
a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona
when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the
trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo
woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got
into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of
small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking
intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she
noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What in bag?" asked the old
woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine.

I got it for my husband." The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."

[geula]

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question? Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud! Please tell him to simply answer the question, with a yes or no."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.


I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.



Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

Then, the Patrolman came across the road, gun in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now, what would you say?"

[RedjackRyan]

A mother was cleaning her son Timmy's room, when she discovered his stash of hardcore S&M books. Horrified she rushed to show her husband, "Honey, what punishment shall we give Timmy?"

Her husband thought for a moment, then said, " I don't know, but i'm pretty sure we shouldn't spank him"

[Dee]

As we age, our priorities change. The other day I came home and was greeted by my wife, dressed only in very sexy underwear and holding a couple of short velvet ropes. Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."

So, I tied her up and went fishing.

:rolleyes:

There was a sheriff looking for a new deputy, and a Redneck went in to apply for the job.

"OK," asked the sheriff, "What is 1+1?" The redneck thought for a minute, and finally said, "11."

The sheriff asked, "What two days of the week start with the letter T?" The redneck said, "That's easy, Today and Tomorrow."

The sheriff said, "Now the last question, who killed Abraham Lincoln?" The redneck thought really hard, and at last said, "I don't know."

The sheriff smiled and said, "Well, why don't you go home and work on that."

So the redneck went home and his wife asked him how it went. The redneck replied, "Great! He already put me on a murder case!"

[geula]

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the
letters used to define bra sizes?
If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters
stood for, it is about time you became informed!
(A} Almost Boobs...
{B} Barely there.
{C} Can't Complain!
{D} Dang!
DD} Double dang!
{E} Enormous!
{F} Fake.
{G} Get a Reduction.
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up !

[mixtymotions]

Cat Physics

**Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

**Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good reason to change direction.

**Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

**Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

**Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

**Law of Cat Sleeping:
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

**Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.

**Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

**Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

**Law of Rug Configuration:
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

**Law of Obedience Resistance:
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for him to do something.

**First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.

**Second Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

**Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

**Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

**Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

**Law of Bag / Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

**Law of Cat Embarrassment:
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

**Law of Milk Consumption:
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

**Law of Furniture Replacement:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

**Law of Cat Landing:
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

**Law of Cat Disinterest:
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

**Law of Pill Rejection:
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape velocity.

**Law of Cat Composition:
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.

[MadMusician]

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was
having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said,
"Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny
fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!"
pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her
fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my booger?"