Need Thoughs and Prayers

[SongDragon]

A while ago, I believe less than a year ago, I asked you to all pray for my grandmother and keep her in your thoughts. Her lung had collapsed and she had surgery to correct it. This was all terrifying to me because my grandmother raised me in many respects. Many people, though I heard it from my Grandpop most recently, consider her one of the strongest women they've ever met. She is kind, with five loving children and nine grandchildren who absolutely adore her. Most of them never met their grandfather, her husband. I happen to be one of two who are "the oldest" so I have seen her go through everything, and yet still be a strong and guiding maternal figure for two grandchildren whom she should not have had to raise.

I might have mentioned that she didn't come back from England with us, that she was sick and stayed behind with my Aunt Liz. If not... I just really didn't want to think about what her being back on oxygen almost constantly meant. She is now back in the U.S., but one of her lungs has collapsed again (scar tissue from previously having smoked--long story, however it is proof that smoking can threaten a life when the person smoked for less than six years). She has to undergo another operation, but they fear that it will not be the last operation.

When she called me this weekend to tell me it was on Mother's Day--a very appropriate time for her to call. I didn't know how to react, because she sounded like she was saying goodbye. I know it sounds very selfish of me, but I'm not ready to lose her. Besides being my grandmother and my mother at the same time she was also my mentor. So many things point to my life following hers, her expectation of me to take care of my family when she can't. I already do the "dirty" work, such as spreading bad news, checking up on plans, and staying in touch with her regularly about schedules. However if anything happens I don't want to be in Connecticut while she is in New Hampshire. I don't want her to worry, and I'm terrifed. She has this way of sounding morbidly cheerful or cheerfully morbid that frightens the living daylights out of me. I just hope the operation goes well and that she at least gets to enjoy the profits of the tag sale last fall that means in 2007 she won't have to rent the Camp out, and she'll get to stay in her favorite place the entire summer.

I just need some good thoughts in there, because my thoughts are scattered and a little bit on the shaky side.

Thank you.

~SongDragon

--Just found out I can't edit titles and it is supposed to by "Thoughts" though you probably got the idea. I just couldn't take staring at it without fixing it.

[Denise]

Aww SongDragon - I will be thinking of you and your grandmother.
Please keep us up to date.
<<hugs>> from Maine

[janisian]

Song, my mother's hospice worker said something very true to me when I arrived there, in response to her urgent call. She said "The clients always know when they're dying, and they're at peace with it. It's the rest of the family that have problems letting go."
I know it's a really hard place to be, but the bottom line is, when it's time, it's time. I don't know if it's your grandmother's time, or not. I do know that what people need at those times are their family and friends, around them, thinking of them, and cherishing the past with them as well as the present.
It doesn't sound to me (though of course, I'm not there) like your grandmother is worried. And if she was saying goodbye, how wonderful that she trusts you with her farewell.
Can you go to her now, or this weekend? can you spend time at her side? I think that would make you feel better. I'll be forever grateful to the hospice worker for calling me and telling me that I needed to get up there immediately, that it was a matter of days. And I know my mother was happy to have both her children there as she passed on.
Even if it's a false alarm, Song, indulge yourself. This is a priority for you; make it so. Be with her, not just for her, but for yourself.

[david uk]

Janis how very well said.

I have not experienced a family bereavement- the closest was the aunt of my ex partner zoltan in Hungary (his family are like my family). She was given a few months to live and every weekend Zoltan and I travelled down to spend the weekend with her. We had a wonderful time chatting to her and talking very openly with her about how she was feeling.

Then one weekend I told her I was gong to England for 2 weeks, and Zoltan said he would not be able to come down for a couple of weeks. That night, after we took the train back to Budapest, she passed away peacefully. i am convinced she was happy and had decided to go.

Of course I don't know your grandma's circumstances- this may or may not be the right time for her... but how fantastic that she has a grandaughter like you... what an honour... she must be so proud of you.

As Janis said, spend time with her... this is quality time you will never regret.

Big hugs it was great to meet you here in April

David xxx

[Cardiffgal]

Song,

I really do not think I could share any more wisdom then what Janis has written to you. In many ways this kind of loss is harder when you are still of a tender age, respectfully, like yourself. It does not get easier to let loved ones go as we mature but I think I have a better understanding of how to it since I am able to see my "hill" from this vantage point in my life.

I send you love and hugs and will keep you and your Grand - Grandmother in my thoughts.

Cardiffgal

[Rika]

Song, i can tell you my own story, but what Janis said is so true! Donn''t waste any time, you wonn't regret it. Keep strong!

[Agnes]

Janis is right, dear Song, can't really add anything to what she said. I'll keep you and your grandma in my thoughts and will pray for you.

[lucille]

All rudie power to your grandmother song. I ditto all of the above, and add that my first thoughts on reading your post was "go to New Hampshire". You are such a wise person Song, you will know what is best.

[Manchester]

....and your lovely Grandmother, hoping that you may be wrong. You have sound advice from Janis, which I cannot add anything to.

Do what you need to do, and know that we are here for you.

Anne

[gisli]

SongDragon, how very sad to hear about what you are facing.
It is allright to be selfish and not wanting to let go of someone that is so dear to you. It is always difficult to let go but you two have had and have a very rare and precious relationship that nothing can take away from you, cherish it.
Remember what someone once wrote:
Thank you for wanting me
and letting it show.

Song, follow what your heart tells you to do, my prayers and good thoughts go to you and your grandmother.

[Dee]

Song,

Nothing much to add to what Janis posted, except to say both you and your grandmother are fortunate to have each other in this life. Death like birth is natural, and as Janis wrote: when it’s time, it’s time. That goes for all of us. It sounds like your grandmother knows, but good reason not to delay showing/telling loved ones that we love them. There’s nothing sadder than wishing we’d done so after we no longer can.

Praying you both find whatever strength you need through all of this.

[RedjackRyan]

Song, love and prayers to you, your family, and your grandmother..

[Irish Beth]

Lots of good thoughts and prayers headed to you and your grandmother.

[AceOn6]

(((SONG)))
I'm sending thoughts out for both of you. I hope you can visit with her in person soon.

[Eva]

I can't say any wise words that haven't already been said in this thread. I wish all of you all the strength you need. Take care, Song!

Eva

[snakegrl]

May you know grace.

[Dar]

I can't add anything more to what's already been said.

[Lin]

Hugs to you, Song. Thinking of you and grandma and sending my prayers to you.

Lin xo

[Bat]

Thinking of you and sending my best for you both. I hope it isn't grandma's time yet...but if it is, you both can handle it. Just be together and love each other, talk, talk, talk!
Love
Bat

[hoops]

Song, go be with her. you have only to gain the knowledge that she knows you wanted to be with her, and she will know. even if, and i'm praying that this is not the case, but even if you are not there "in time", she will know that you wanted to be and that will make you there in her heart. I'm praying for you song, there is nothing easy about what you are going through i pray you all find peace and the strength you need to get through.
peace
Noel

[SongDragon]

Thank you all.

She's going to try really hard for our graduations, I know that, even though she doesn't have the freedom to drive anymore (I have a feeling that she'll never get used to that, not my lead-foot Grandma). Her husband has agreed to drive her anywhere she needs to be driven, so if it's at all possible she'll be there. I really want to go to her, I royally screwed up my riding lesson the other day because I was thinking about it, I'm glad my riding instructor is so understanding.

Your advice is very important to me, and I want to drive up to New Hampshire as soon as possible. As soon as I don't have any other commitments that I can't break. This weekend (leaving tomorrow afternoon) I told my sister I'd come to her prom with her, drive her around, indulge her in the freedom of having a car (though after a three hour drive I'm sure I'll be a little cranky about it if she doesn't have directions).

Thank you all for understanding and listening to my sort of rambling, roundabout way of explaining. I hope the weekend after this one (or maybe, if I skip school, earlier) I can make the five hour drive up to Camp or Aunt Ginny's and see Grandma.

~Song

[Chet]

Thank you all for understanding and listening to my sort of rambling, roundabout way of explaining. I hope the weekend after this one (or maybe, if I skip school, earlier) I can make the five hour drive up to Camp or Aunt Ginny's and see Grandma.

~Song
Meanwhile, call her on the phone as often as you can. This is what my brother does (he lives in Singapore) - he calls my mother every Saturday and chats with her for a while. He tries to comes home for a weekend at least once a month.

[AceOn6]

Thank you all.
I hope the weekend after this one (or maybe, if I skip school, earlier) I can make the five hour drive up to Camp or Aunt Ginny's and see Grandma.

Just thinking... Being a holiday weekend, traffic next Friday heading to lake country will be a mess. If you ditch Friday, you could be on the road as soon as school lets out on Thursday. Of course, that assumes you're not in danger of going over the school's absentee limit for this term.

[Gigglepottomus]

Song you and your Grandmother are in my thoughts and prayers.

[Agnes]

Hang in there, Song, still thinking of you and grandma.

[soulMerlin]

Take care - all the kindest thoughts

henry

[geula]

Song,
Sharing your thoughts and fears with us, is already courageous. You'll be surprised to find out how strong you are, when, despite of your fears and pain, which are quite understoodl, human and kind, you're capable of doing what seems and indeed, is hurting. I've undergone such a period with my brother in law, and I don't regret spending long hours with him, not even a moment. I was there, when he needed his beloved next to him. It was good for all of us.
I wish you to be strong, and above all - be yourself.
Geula.

[Melba]

Coming in a little late here, but your post got to me. I have been in the place where you are and what Janis posted is so true. You sound like a very brave person. Just know that visiting with your grandmother at this time will mean more to her than anyone will ever know. Feel a big cyber hug coming your way. Take care.

[Judy]

I think it was Bat's post that advised you to "talk, talk, talk" with your Grandmother. Absolutely. When my mother was dying we talked and talked but still today I will think of something with "Damn! I forgot to ask/tell her that!" Take Bat's advise as it is very sound.
Judy

[Bat]

Another thing, get a little tape recorder (or a big one!) and tape her when you get her to tell a story, or merely a conversation...sometimes those tapings of stories of yesteryear put a little spark in their lives and they just love to tell things they remember, so others can hear them in the future. I know another woman who did this during her mother's last years, and she has a wonderful library of stories, in her mother's voice. Priceless!

[Agnes]

How are things going, Song? And how are you feeling?

hug, Agnes

[Des]

Healing thoughts and good wishes for your grandmother Song:)

[Melba]

Song,
Bat's suggestion about recording your grandmother's stories is a great idea if you are inclined. My uncle videotaped my grandmother about 2 months before she passed away. She had been ill for a number of years and she was visiting him in California. She did not look ill at this point so he just turned on the video and his little girl was in it too and the conversation was really neat to watch. They talked a lot about what she knew about the family history, etc. I have not played that video in years, but it always makes me smile and remember who she was. It speaks volumes more than pictures ever could and I am so glad he had the foresight to do it.:)

[hoops]

with airlines being the way they are after 9/11 there was a short period of time before i could get home to be with my mom from texas to ny when i first found out she was ill. I had been calling 3- 5 times a week before then. the moment i found out she was uill i decided i would call 3 times a day till i got to see her face. it helped me to get thru that short time and i know mom looked forward to my calls. communication is sooooooo easy these days and I thank God for that. when i got home i never left her again. of course her situation was very tentative from minute one of her finoing out she was ill. she lived just less than 2 years more. damn life is so short
since that time i haven't gone a day without speaking to my dad and i make an extra effort to speak to all 35 members of my immediate family at least once a week. talking is a wonderful way to keep close even when you are a thousand miles away.
what i'm saying is I vote for talk talk talking as much as you can to your grandma.
and this is sort of off topic, but with life being so short i think it's important. No matter what problems you have with family, no matter what you may feel about them or what they may feel about you, family is family. even if you just leave messages that go unanswered leave the messages. always be the first to extend the hand of peace. My dad has told me numerous times that i am going to hell, but every night i tell him i love him and when i'm with him i kiss him hello and goodbye. i do that with all my family and it is not fake, i do love them. Janis worte a song to that effect "honour your father honour your mother honour yourself above all" remember that one.
i'll stop now
love and peace to you
hoops

[SongDragon]

Memorial Day Weekend is coming up... I probably will drive up to New Hampshire, which has been suggested to me several times. She seemed eager when I asked her for directions (which I have to say makes me a bit nervous, because that means she's afraid there isn't enough time either). I'm a beginning driver, but I proved I could do it with the shorter, three hour drive down to New Jersey. I could make it up to Camp. I haven't heard much (though we love to e-mail eachother, so there has been that), so in this case I'm assuming no news is good news, everything is going as planned. I don't think I'm much of the taping type, though we do have family movies that I liked her in. Maybe I will, maybe I won't, though I know she doesn't like cameras pointed at her. She's sort of like me, she'd rather be in charge behind the scenes than the leader out front. Can you say back seat/front stage director?

I'm getting my windshield fixed tomorrow, I have almost a full tank of gas, so I should (please please please) be able to make it up to New Hampshire. Heh, I might have to cash a check or change money back frome pounds finally to be able to buy gas for the return trip, however. All these practical things I suddenly have to consider, but I think I'm going to go for it!

~Song

[AceOn6]

Song, I just know you can do this. Take your time and all will be fine.

[Bat]

Just tell her you're going to set up the camera and let it run, and suggest a topic ...like, what was your favorite thing to do when you were "my" (your) age? ...and let her run with it. She'll forget all about the camera once she gets rolling, and you'll get a good story or several if your're lucky!

[Agnes]

Song, I hope you'll have a wonderful time together. Meanwhile, take good care of yourself too :)

[Rickster]

Song, Good luck. Enjoy the time with your grandma! I'm sure she will enjoy having you there!

[Judy]

Song, just read your last post...you know, I forgot you were a beginning driver so maybe the madness of Memorial Day traffic isn't the best time to take your first really extended drive. Given my eye injury, I am now back to feeling like a beginning driver and I sure wouldn't feel confident at this stage of the game. (I started driving within a week of the second surgery but it takes SO much concentration and that is tiring in terms of stamina.) Anyway, just playing mother hen here, Song, and wouldn't want you to push yourself too far on a Holiday known for ridiculous traffic. Whatever you decide to do is the right answer...just be careful.
Judy

[sister rose]

Song....so sorry to get in here so late, but, I just want to say that I totally understand what you are feeling right now...I, too, am facing the very near in the future loss of a loved one...my mother...which is one of the reasons I have been so scarce on the MB lately. While she is battling several terminal illnesses and has recently been diagnosed with dementia, I am not ready to really talk about it right now.

Please know that I am thinking of you and wishing you the best. No matter how prepared we think we are, there is still that initial numbness brought on by the unexpected shock that we experience. (I learned that when my dear Grandmother, who was like a parent to me, passed away almost 10 years ago)

Please keep us informed and just let her know that you care....

[SongDragon]

Thank you all. Thank you Sister Rose, my grandmother is also like a parent to me (in fact both of my grandmothers are). One of them is as vibrant as a twenty year old, and people would still be carding her if her hair hadn't turned white. The other is only a year older, and having a much more difficult time. However, she came through the operation with flying colors, she sounded cheerful (and not the morbid cheerfulness that so spooked me), and she seems determined to at least make it past our graduations if not to next summer when she'll be able to spend the whole summer up at Camp. I'll be seeing her tomorrow.

Sister Rose--I'm sorry about your mother, though I can respect that you don't want to talk about it yet.

~Song

[Bat]

Song, I'm delighted to hear that your Grandma came through her ordeal with flying colors and a good mental outlook on life...that is indeed the most important viewpoint to take if she wants to live happily for a good while yet!
My best to her, and a long hug...may she have a great time at camp!;)