It's getting better every day...

[Eva]

Hello everyone,

I have been a bit of a mess the last weeks. I have talked about it a lot with Redjack, Marg, Agnes and some with David. They were very supportive. Thanks guys! Now that I feel a bit better and finally have the right words for things I thought I'd share with others too.

I have written about it in the past too that I sometimes feel lonely. I am single for more than 8 years now. I like my life as it is, that's not the problem. Thing is only that I sometimes miss a partner in my life. As a friend of mine said "There are worse things than being single." I said that I am very okay with being single. But I am not okay with not having a partner.

I met this man a few weeks ago on an SM party and I instantly fell for him. He is very sweet en the instant attraction was mutual. I asked if the organisers of the party could e-mail him and ask if it was okay if I wrote him. He was okay with it because he somehow knew I was the one who was looking for him. He too wanted contact with me. And we had a wonderful week together. Lots of talk and cuddling and kissing and all. You know, all the things that people do who are in love.

I had the feeling that this could become 'something' and I looked forward to that. It was also very confusing because I am a lesbian. He is a transsexual, female to male, but nevertheless a man. I feel attracted to the mix of femininity and masculinity in butches, transsexuals in transition and people who feel they are in-between genders. But he is beyond that point. He is a man now.

He is having some busy weeks at work now. This started after our wonderful week and it is still going on. He leaves the house at 6 am and gets home at about 8.30 pm. He doesn't have time for anything and if he has time, he sleeps. He is extremely tired at the moment and only hopes this crazyness will be over soon. He is very skinny and I doubt he eats enough right now to keep him going even.

I went to Berlin for a 5-day womens international SM conference. I met some my old friends from abroad and got to know some new people. Among other things I had lots of talks about gender and identity (his and mine) with butches, femmes, women who don't identify as butch or femme and transsexuals in all different stages of transformation. Very interesting. My conclusion was that I would like to give it a chance with him.

Him and me exchanged lots of e-mails and I got my hopes up too high. Then he mailed me he has no room for a girlfriend in his life at this moment. Not only because he is so busy but also because he has a lot of problems. Also things that are beyond his power to change right now. He wants to get his life in order before he starts a relationship with anyone.

Besides that he wants a monogamous relationship and I don't want that. It doesn't mean I don't want to stick to the deals I make about these things with a partner. It means that I don't want to be tied to only one person for my sexuality. Or that the other person is only tied to me. It just doesn't fit me. A very important difference in view on relationships.

Oh, and the other important thing: he is not an SM-er. (He was at the party with an ex girlfriend who does play) That would make monogamy even more impossible for me, because I don't want to stop doing SM. It is the way I love and the way I enjoy my sexuality.

We had no chance to see eachother (we live in different cities) and one of his problems is that he is a bit phobic for telephoneconversations. So all the 'talking' we did was through e-mail and sms. It drove me crazy! All I had were my own mixed feelings. I couldn't talk with him the way I wanted too and this just went on and on.

He is so not what I am looking for! I am looking for a woman, who is an SM-er and who shares my concept of non-monogamy. He is a man, a non SM-er and he wants a monogamous relationship. Maybe. In the future somewhere. Why do I have to get a crush on him??? *sigh*

All this (and the fact that I was extremely tired due to very busy weeks and due to lack of sleep) got me very down. I swear, I am so glad I have good medication for my chronic depressions. Otherwise this would have (again) be a trigger for a three-month depression. Now it was only three weeks. With some rest it got a lot better.

What was bothering me was not only that it doesn't work out with him, but even more that again it didn't work out with someone I really liked. I was certain that I will be alone for the rest of my life and that nobody loves me. Of course I knew that it isn't true. But this is what depression does with me and it feels very, very real, I can tell you. What also bothered me that this wasn't finished yet, but we couldn't come to any kind of closure because we had no chance to see eachother.

We finally saw eachother last Saturday. I had to be in the city where he lives and I had sms-ed him that. He came to look me up and we saw eachother and talked for more then an hour. It was good to see him again. And it was wonderful to hold him again and to be held by him. I had missed his eyes, I noticed. And the way he looks at me. Intense and loving.

Now I have the feeling that there is finally some sort of closure. I can accept better that he is not going to be 'the one'. But with some time I am sure I will be able to enjoy what is between us. We like eachother a lot and we are certainly attracted to eachother. I hope we can also be friends and then we'll see what life brings us.

We'll see, but I am very glad I am climbing out of this depressed place and that I am slowly becoming myself again... :)

Eva

[Denise]

I am very glad you are becoming yourself again too, Eva.
Wow, some very personal "stuff" you have shared... and it probably felt really good and that's part of the process, I'm sure.
Hey, we are all here for you.
<<hugs>>

[Agnes]

Right here for you, dear. I'm glad the world is looking a little brighter for you and I hope you'll be able to enjoy today's sunshine (in every sense of the word). Big hugs!

[gisli]

I thought there was some sparkle missing in your writing, not quite posting as much either. So sorry to read about what you are dealing with in your life now, it is always hard.

Feelings and emotions, feelings and emotins.............

Sometime someone said to me time heals everything, I said in return, yeah you want to switch places and wait for time to heal, because it hurts so much now.

Eva, you are very special everybody on this board knows this, it shines through in all you do, you are one of those rare persons that is perfect, you are warm, giving, funny and caring, you are the perfect partner to be with....... Take care of your self.

[dutchcloggie]

Supporting you in spirit Eva.

Apart from all the other things that were going on between the two of you, the basic shake-up of what you may have held as a firm truth in your life, your sexuality and who/what you are attracted to, must be quite confusing.

I have often wondered how I would feel if I would somehow fall in love with a man. (The only way this would ever happen I feel is via the internet so that I would not see him and not imagine him as a man). How would I feel if I discovered my internet love was actually a man. Would I stop loving him instantly? Would I be confused? You bet I would be confused. What do we judge people on? What do we base our own sexuality on?

[Eva]

Yes Cloggie, it was (and is) confusing. I have kind of a wide concept of gender as you can see, but that doesn't mean I feel bisexual. There is a point where someone just becomes too male for my taste. Facial hair (I mean beards and clear male moustaches), the smell of testosterone, male bodyparts, things like that. In the circles I move several people transition. Completely or to a certain point. And if I were once attracted to someone, then can't I be attracted to this person when his or her identification of gender has shifted? Many of us think and talk about those things. It's like an ever shifting world where we try to find the place where we belong on a regular base. It's enriching and interesting. But sometimes also confusing. I am very aware of the fact that the world is not just divided in women and men and that I just am attracted to one of these kind of people. I see so much between and beyond female and male around me every day. Like I said, wonderful but confusing at times.

Eva

[dutchcloggie]

A long time ago, I had a relationship for about 4 years with a woman. She was still married when we met online and we just chatted about all kinds of things. We met online due to our mutual interest in a TV programme, which had therefore nothing to do with sexuality or chatrooms or anything of the kind.

We ended up talking for hours and hours on end. She knew I was a lesbian woman, I knew she was married and straight. And yet, we fell in love. For me, it was nothing special in that sense as I was a lesbian and she was a woman. However, we had not actually spoken or exchanged phone numbers yet so I was merely BELIEVING that she was indeed a woman. What if, upon meeting her, she turned out to be a man? How would I have felt?

Or for that matter from her point of view, she fell in love with somebody claiming to be a woman. So did that suddenly make her a lesbian? Eventhough she had never seen this person? And when we finally met, would she suddenly stop loving me just because she would then be confronted with me, a woman? Or would she suddenly realise she was a lesbian? Or would her love change instantly to a ‘friendship-love’?

At the time I did not appreciate the life-changing experience this must have been for her: Falling in love with someone you have never seen, who is a woman whilst you always thought you were straight. What about ‘it is all about the inside, not about looks’. If that is the case, then surely we should all be able to love everyone, regardless of gender?

I now see how scary it must be to find your convictions and core beliefs yanked from underneath you. Even if those beliefs are difficult for others to understand, they are still part of how you have defined your identity to yourself.

Sorry, rambling on here. Just wanted to say that I totally see how confusing some of this may be/have been for you.

[Eva]

At the time I did not appreciate the life-changing experience this must have been for her: Falling in love with someone you have never seen, who is a woman whilst you always thought you were straight. What about ‘it is all about the inside, not about looks’. If that is the case, then surely we should all be able to love everyone, regardless of gender?

I now see how scary it must be to find your convictions and core beliefs yanked from underneath you. Even if those beliefs are difficult for others to understand, they are still part of how you have defined your identity to yourself.

Sorry, rambling on here. Just wanted to say that I totally see how confusing some of this may be/have been for you.

You are not rambling. I appreciate it a lot that you understand what I am talking about. My world, the lesbian SM world with large a variety of genders and ways to have relationships, is not common to most people. It feels always good to me if I feel understood by people. Thank you!

Don't be too hard on yourself for not "appreciating" the experience this had to be for her. You can't always understand everything. We are all just humans and it all has to do with reference Dutch: referentiekader) I feel it is not a lack of empathy that you didn't understand. Just something new to you.

I must say that this was more confusing to me then finding out that I was (and am) a lesbian. That went gradually and took several years. Besides, I still believed in a dual gender system then and the stages I went through were easier for me to understand.

Personally I don't believe in "It doesn't matter what gender someone is, it's the inside that counts". Well, I mean I don't believe in it for myself. I can certainly appreciate that others see this differently. I do care what gender someone is. Even though gender is a fluid thing in my book.

There are just things about peoples gender that I am not attracted to and other things that I am attracted to. And I find that the things I am usually attracted to are female or a strong mix between feminin & masculing features and behavior. Preferably in a female or transgendered body (born female)

Transsexuality is an area where I just don't know yet. I'll figure it out and in the mean time have fun experimenting and learning... :)

Thanks for sharing and for your understanding, Cloggie!

Eva

[dutchcloggie]

I agree that 'it is about the inside' does not apply when it comes to gender. People always use it when discussing that it does not matter if someone is pretty so I thought some might apply it to gender as well. I would find it hard to understand though....

I suspect finding out you are gay is probably the easy part of things. You think you are striaght and then you discover you are gay. Relatively simple. So you start 'telling people' . And then you have to do it all over again because it is not quite how you thought it was.....

Yes, I can see how this is extremely confusing.

[Eva]

I thought there was some sparkle missing in your writing, not quite posting as much either.

Yes, you are right. Thank you for noticing.


Eva, you are very special everybody on this board knows this, it shines through in all you do, you are one of those rare persons that is perfect, you are warm, giving, funny and caring, you are the perfect partner to be with....... Take care of your self.

Such sweet words! Believe me, I am far from perfect (I'm human, or so they keep telling me) But I appreciate your kindness a lot. Thank you!

Eva

[Agnes]

Gísli's right, Eva. You're a warmhearted, witty person. It's a pleasure knowing you (well, at least a bit) :)

[Gigglepottomus]

Hi Eva,
Although I am a man and our situations are different in many ways our situations are somewhat similar. The depression you have to deal with is something I have battled for some time. Ever since my divorce I have often felt like I am destined to die alone and I will never find another partner. Right after the divorce I hid away from the world for like 6 months trying to cope with the changes. I then went through a brief dating stage where I met some very nice woman and carried on short relationships. Finally I decided to just be alone and learn to be happy that way. It worked out for the most part. But I did miss casual dating. Nowadays I still feel fine being alone but I miss the touch of another human being even if it's just for a short time. It would not be a problem seeking out an encounter but In the last couple of years I have developed a horrible fear of being in public. It literally takes every ounce of courage I can muster just to go to work. I have started wearing big coats and hats and hoods when I go out it helps me feel better like even if everyone is staring at me they cant see me that well or know who I am. Now that the warm weather is back again this gets rather ridiculous to be wearing a hood in 90 degree temperatures. And I actually attract more attention being dressed like that in the heat. I tried to go to the store yesterday in just a T-shirt and hat and I felt like I was going to pass out from the fear. I hate living like this and I feel like now I have no chance at all of even finding some temporary human contact. I feel like everyday I am loosing my youth and looks and if I ever get over my fear It will be to late no one will want me. I just wanted you to know that I know what you are talking about when you say you are fine being alone but sometimes want something more. Life gives us all our own hurdles different yet similar. You are such a wonderful person I hope you find what you are looking for.

[Randy & Betty in Pa]

Eva, Eva, Eva......

What an expressive letter you posted....To me it sounds like your handling the depression thingy well.... Guess thats in part because of your pirate spirit....Just know if times get tough and you find or need people to talk to there are plenty of us here that will extend our hands in friendship and do care.... As to your coments about facial hair I have to agree... Men with beards and mustaches are disgusting.... Both Saxman's and my beards and moustaches are held on by superglue and staples...

You will find the right person in time, but till then take your time...Set your standards and don't settle for less. I didn't even meet my life partner (Betty) until I was 49 and I cherish and thank God everyday for her...Might seem kind of late but you know when you finally do find that person then the time you waited to find them just serves to remind you how much life is better with them.

Best to you my Evil Pirate Queen

R. from pa:cool:

[Agnes]

Giggles, thank you very much for sharing. You're right, we all get our hurdles to jump over. Life's a truly tough ride at times, yet it's ours to live, ours to navigate. You're very brave to go out to work and shop when fear's a constant companion out there. Even though it's only through a computerscreen, you've touched us and I hope you can feel us touching you.

hug,

Agnes

[Dee]

Gigglepottomus,

The anxiety you are describing about going out in public sounds similar to what I experience, only in my case it’s partly my disgust with other people’s behaviour, and partly that I fear “catching” some illness that might eventually kill me. Living with HIV in your body will do that to you. Dating with HIV – a total nightmare.

After ten years together with the same partner, I didn’t even consider dating again for about three years. I was devastated when we split, as I’m sure he was too. I also needed time to regroup and reassess. Oddly enough, today he is my best friend and ally. We get along better now than when we were together.

I believe there is someone for everyone in this world, Gig. Although it’s cliché to say, sometimes love decides to find us, often when we aren’t even looking.

I really don’t relate to wanting multiple partners, since I am (which flies in the face of the stereotypes about Gay men I know) monogamous by nature. Sex means nothing to me without the intimacy of love attached. But I know what it is to seek and yearn for human closeness.

[david uk]

Eva as others have said here you are a lovely person- I've had the pleasure of meeting you and will also do so in October- really looking forward to it my friend!

Thanks so much for sharing very personal info with us... wow! isn't this board a fantastic place! and I am very happy you are finally finding some kind of closure with this episode.....

big hugs my friend

david xxx

[gisli]

Giggle, thank you for sharing your story, but what you are describing is something you should try to deal with. If it goes unattenden it may ecxalate to a "difficult to cure situation". I am not a doctor or anything,but it seems to me that what you are describing is called "Panic Disorder". Also it may be hormone related, something that happens when we get older, yes women are not the only one that get it, and sometimes we need to get extra testesterone in our body to feel better about our selfs.
The worst thing about all of this is that if not atended it becomes a habit that be difficult to brake from. Hope I make some sense, sorry if I didn´t.

[Gigglepottomus]

Agnes,
thanks for the support you are a real sweetheart and thats not lip service.

Dee,
It feels kind of nice to not feel alone in this even though I am sad that you have it too. I would love to talk with you about how you cope and things you have tried to remedy it. I sort of feel I have unintentionally hijacked Eva's thread though in my attempt to relate to her story. Would you mind if I email you about it?

gisli,
I know that you are right I need help because it does seem to get worse almost daily. I have read about the disorder which is called social anxiety disorder different from panic disorder in many ways. I just wish there were a way to work on it without leaving the house. LOL I'm sure you saw that one coming. Again thanks for your concern I have kept this to my self for a long time because I was so embarrassed. I should have known that on this board I would only receive respect and support from you all. This place is amazing.

[Des]

Eva, You're a star!:)

Des
x

[Dee]

Dee,
It feels kind of nice to not feel alone in this even though I am sad that you have it too. I would love to talk with you about how you cope and things you have tried to remedy it. I sort of feel I have unintentionally hijacked Eva's thread though in my attempt to relate to her story. Would you mind if I email you about it?

Not at all, Gig. (Check your private messages)

Eva,

Sorry if we got off track here, although I don't really see that we did. You spoke at the top of depression due to finding partners and social interaction difficulties. Or maybe I got it wrong.

In any case, glad to know you’re on the upswing out of your depression. :)

xo

[Eva]

Don't worry! I don't feel at all as if you have hijacked the thread. Sometimes my head still doesn't feel together enough that I feel I can write the response I want to give to other peoples stories. That is why I haven't written back yet. I did read everything though. Please write on and don't worry.

Eva

[hoops]

Eva,
Sheesh that is a lot of stuff. I'm glad you are getting thru it and finding closure. this seems to have been something you needed to help you really look at what you need and who can help you have it. I know lonely, it sucks and a hug can always seem to help, but once the lonely is over have we gotten what we need, or what we want. You and i are very different, still e have gone thru a lot of silmilar things. Just when i think i know how i am, i find out i'm slightly off. You don't want a relationship, but a partner. I don't want just a partner but a relationship. either way finding our match is a challenge. i pray that you find what you need and want, my friend. you are always in my thoughts and prayers
peace
Noel

[Eva]

Thank you Hoops,

Some things are kind of universal, I guess. Whatever form we choose. I too hope you will find the form that fits you best and which ends your lonelyness.

Big hug,
Eva