forgive my darkness

[hoops]

I wish that it were different, but the med adjustments are a lot harder than i imagined this time and all of my energy is being burned day and night trying to fight the hell long enough and hard enough to not die. so every now and then i need to post, just to get it out for an instant. You can't imagine how i hate having to give even this little bit to you. I'd much prefer that you not know a thing. I just didn't want you to think that i've been having a hard time, or that crap has been happening in my life cause it hasn't, LIFE has been good and i'm grateful for every moment. I thank God that you are all in my life.
pax
hoops

[sister rose]

hoops....thanks for just being you....if you need anything. I'm around. I miss you!

[Dar]

I don't know much about what you are going through, but it sure seems to me that if you can recognize that life is still good, while trying to get your meds properly regulated, you are probably in a better place than one who just believes that life is hell.

I think my brother suffers from depression, he sees only the negative in every aspect of life, he is angry and paranoid, nothing any of those who love him can say does anything to cheer him or help change his outlook. I know he should probably be treated for depression but he doesn't believe in going to doctors and thinks my other brother who does get treated for his depression is the one with problems BECAUSE he takes medication.

You are a very welcome member of Rudieland hoops! Don't hesitate to post what's going on with you.

[Bat]

Go outside and look up at the sky, Hoops...it's amazing how uplifting that can be to the spirit! Look for the hidden pictures in the clouds. Then if you're feeling edgy, go throw some stones, long, hard and far...best if you're near the water and can find some skippers: flat stones that skip. Just a few things that make one feel better . We are rooting for you, Hoops dear.

[Judy]

You know, Hoops, I never imagined I'd post something so intensely personal as my recent accident. But once I gave in and did so, the experience took on a remarkable twist...this very awful thing was met with such genuine warmth and support from these folks on this board. Allowing people to reach out to you and help you carry your burden ... well, it's astounding. So, don't struggle through your darkness alone, Hoops, when there are so many here to comfort you.
Best thoughts to you,
Judy

[Bat]

And Judy's back in the land of the living!! Welcome back! It seems you bring out the best in everybody, Hoops...keep on keeping on!:)

[Green Monkey]

Go outside and look up at the sky, Hoops...it's amazing how uplifting that can be to the spirit! Look for the hidden pictures in the clouds. ...
That reminds me of some lines from the Gospel of Judas. And Jesus said to Judas:

"...Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star."

(yes, I understand that this recently found gospel is not canon, that its gnostic in nature and may annoy Christians... But I still think its pretty language. YMMV. )

GM :D

[Bat]

"...Lift up your eyes and look at the cloud and the light within it and the stars surrounding it. The star that leads the way is your star."



Even this old heathen can appreciate the poetry in that!

[DaveM]

You are far from the only one here to know the heart of darkness--no need for apologies. Stick around, and keep talking, and remind yourself that even though it most certainly does not seem so, this too shall pass.

[invsbl_wife]

Hoops, I DO know very well what you're going through. And I know how horrible the med changes can be. It's like being stripped raw in a sandstorm, only from the inside. Hang in there, friend. It will pass eventually. You know that. Hang on to your friends here and let them help you over the rough times. They're wonderful at things like that!

If you ever need an ear or a shoulder of someone who understands, just holler!

[Agnes]

Hoops, no need to apologise whatsoever. I think most of us know the dark side of life and not allowing anyone near would be robbing your soul of its necessary nourishment. So please, when you need any of us, we'll be right here.

[RedjackRyan]

Hoops, you've been there for so many of us, now its our turn to be there for you. No apologies needed.

[Eva]

Everybody before me has said all the things I wanted to say. Don't suffer alone, Hoops. I understand why you feel that way, but it's not going to do you any good. And there is no reason for it either. We are here and we want to know how you are doing. So please, write whenever you want. About whatever you want.

I must be honest and tell you that poetry is absolutely not my thing. Somehow it reminds me of math, which I don't understand either. However, I do find it wonderful that you have found this medium to express yourself in. Write us more poems, Hoops. They are about your inner self. A part of you we like a lot. (Even if you 'borrow' cars, wheelchairs, unicycles, etc... :p )

Take care, Hoops!

Eva

[Dee]

Hoops,

One of the hardest things I ever learned in life is that some times we have to let others carry us for a while. This was a major hurdle for me to overcome (still is at times), being one who learned early in life that the only person I could really trust and rely on was me. So I lived practically the first half of my 46 years in a depressed state and didn’t even realize that this is what my general sense of angry sadness was.

After the joking around, after the banter, there is mutual support here. That’s what community is for. Far from thinking you need apologize for what you’re going through, I think it’s very courageous of you to be reaching out.

I heard someone once say: That which is not expressed is depressed.

Stay connected here, Noel. Let us be your shoulder to lean on. Meantime, I pray for strength for you while you adjust to an effective medication dosage.

Daniel

[PeteCC]

Dear Hoops,

Here for you, as are all.

'Onwards and upwards', is the clarion call, but if that seems to be not an option, then I have an open email address, as do many others here, and we are sure to answer when called upon by our friends.

PeteCC

[Irish Beth]

Oh buddy, just hang in and keep writing - poetry, messages, whatever. We are all here for you, we listen, we care, and we want to hear whatever you have to say, whenever you have to say it!

Fellow nut-caser
IB

PS: Check out private message

[snakegrl]

Never think you are alone. All you have to do is ask for help, which you have done by posting on this board. And just look at all the respose, people reaching back. I don't know anything about meds, but, I do know about shadows. We all have them. They can terrify us if we let them, grow into giants if fed enough. I'd rather feed the squirrels. I don't know your whole story,so , anything more may I say may be only supposition, other than don't give up. We have more power, help and tools
at our disposal than we think.

[hoops]

thank you all for your supposrt. Iwish it were JUST the depression...that i can handle, it's the psychosis that makes it seem so out of control. but as you all have said, it will settle down . thank you again for your friendship,. you are always in my thoughts and prayers
peace
hoops

[Lin]

Hang in there Hoops, we are here for you. This is a wonderful community of caring friends, we all need someone to listen to us when things are not going right. Stay in touch, tell us how you are. We are listening, my friend.

Lin xo

[Lin]

Thinking about you. How are you today Hoops?

Lin

[hoops]

lin,
thanks for askin ...i'm still here and that's a good thing
pax
hoops

[hoops]

I discovered something yesterday...for the fisrt time since i was a child I'm scared. Nothing usally scares me, and right now i am scared to death. I'm scared that i'm going to lose all that i've worked so hard for. I haven't been hospitalized in 3 years, that is the longest run in 10 years. I just went back to work, i'm could be living on my own soon and all that could end with just one wrong move, one voice i can't get beyond. I'd even accepted my illness and began taking complete responsiblity for the way my treatment goes. I'm not afraid to die i am death;y afaid of giving up the little bit of living i have gotten back AND even MORE THAN THAT I'm afraid of what everyone around me will think

[DaveM]

You know what, Hoops? Most people, when you get down to it, are not so much afraid of dying as they are of pain. It's the body's most basic "stay away!" signal. So be wary of it, and yet learn from it--and if medical intervention is required make sure they keep you comfy.

I can recommend a very good doctor to stay away from....

[Dee]

I discovered something yesterday...for the fisrt time since i was a child I'm scared. Nothing usally scares me, and right now i am scared to death. I'm scared that i'm going to lose all that i've worked so hard for. I haven't been hospitalized in 3 years, that is the longest run in 10 years. I just went back to work, i'm could be living on my own soon and all that could end with just one wrong move, one voice i can't get beyond. I'd even accepted my illness and began taking complete responsiblity for the way my treatment goes. I'm not afraid to die i am death;y afaid of giving up the little bit of living i have gotten back AND even MORE THAN THAT I'm afraid of what everyone around me will think
Wow Hoops,

I can completely understand that sense of dread about "losing it" again. Three years ago I went through a similar situation when my HIV decided to become a state of AIDS and hijack my body and my mind. Somehow I decided “the end” was imminent and began selling off all my worldly goods. When I look back on that period, I can scarcely believe I lived through it. The best I can compare it to is a kind of dream state – or maybe a nightmare.

By a combination of fortunate circumstances, I held on through it all – being homeless and having to live in a shelter, a shoplifting charge and subsequent court appearances – and more. I wasn’t so much afraid since I felt rather detached from myself.

What helped me rebound was a combination of the proper intervention, and the love, support and understanding of the people in my life who matter to me.

If anything, what I lived through strengthened my belief that there is a loving force in the Universe and in my life. Keep doing what you’re doing, and know that I wish and pray to that source of Love for you to get through.

We’re here for you Noel.

Daniel

[hoops]

thank you from the depths of my heart

[Lin]

Hang on Hoops, you will get through this. Even during the real scary times, just hang on. Everything will be okay. I just know it.

Lin xo

[dragonlady]

Hey hoops...been asay for a week...keep coming here for support and you have my email if you need it between the times I can check in here...we're here for you buddy no matter how dark it seems to get...just remember to breathe!

-di

[Lin]

bump...

how are you today Hoops?

Lin

[Denise]

Yes, I'm thinking of you as well Hoops!
Please know that you have a LOT of friends here!

[Agnes]

Noel? How are you? We'd like an update! :)

[hoops]

thank you all so much, i'm sorry i was away yesterday. I made it thru the rough part and am adjusting more positively to my meds. and i know it was all of you who helped me thru. i did get quite hairy for a bit. but i still have my job, i still have my life going in that forward direction. thank you all so much.
peace
Noel

[GodSistah]

Be blessed, Noel! I'm glad things are starting to look up! :)

~Andrea~

[RedjackRyan]

Glad to hear it hoops! Big hugs to you.

[Agnes]

That's good to hear, Noel, I'm happy for you :) Thank you for posting!

[Dee]

Yay Hoops! :D

[Lin]

Hoops - I am so glad things are looking better. We're all thinking of you. We will help keep you strong!

Lin

[DaveM]

Hang in there, Hoops....you've got Rudie Power on your side, and who could ask for more?

To steal from Lee Hays: "be of good cheer, this too will pass. I've had kidney stones, and I know."

[marjan]

Glad to hear you're feeling better hoops. I know Rudie power works personaly.

[gisli]

Good is good, so nice to hear that you are better.
Life is an emotional roller coaster, you never know when it goes up or when it goes down. Stay happy.