New Joke Thread

[Bat]

Jake is 5 and learning to read.
He points at a picture in a zoo
book and says,
"Look Mama! It's a frickin'
Elephant!"

Deep breath ... "What did you
call it?"
"It's a frickin' Elephant, Mama!
It says so on the picture!"

and so it does ...

" A f r i c a n Elephant "

Hooked on phonics!!! Ain't it wonderful?

[hoops]

hahahahahaha!!!
kids gotta love em.
pace
hoops

[Eva]

hahahahahaha!!!
kids gotta love em.
pace
hoops
Yes, they taste good on toast.
Good one, Bat! :D

Eva

[aabram]

I'm not even GOING to point out the spelling mistake, Noel. You have enough to worry about with your ongoing surgery. I'm still praying for its successful outcome

Annabel

[lucille]

pace


Nah, Annabel. You've got it all wrong. Noel types so quickly that sometimes the keys can't keep up with her.:D

[hoops]

actually i was practicing my greek...thanks for pointing it out for me tho :)
pace
hoops

[Eva]

Pace to you too Hoops :D

Eva

[Bat]

I think it's Italian/Latin: Pace in Terrum.
I think it means "Paco is swimming with the turtles again".

[KarenSews2]

At a corner, a Texan driving a VW bug pulled up next to a Rolls Royce.

He called out, "Hey, you got a phone in there?"

The guy in the Rolls replied, "Yes, of course I do."

The Texan told him, "I got me one in here, too!"

The Rolls driver was unimpressed and said, "That's nice."

The Texan then asked, "You got a fax machine in there, too?"

The Rolls driver said, "Yes, I do."

The Texan said, "Me too! You got a double bed in the back, there?"

Puzzled, the Rolls driver asked him, "Do you have a double bed in there?

VW driver said, "Yup."

The Rolls Royce drove off.

Not to be outdone by some Texas redneck, the owner of the Rolls Royce, at great expense, had a double bed installed into his car. When the car was finished, he went out looking for the little VW bug.

Near the intersection where he first saw the Texan, the Rolls Royce driver spotted the bug in a small park. The windows were all steamed up, but he tentatively tapped on the window.

After a short wait, the Texan rolled down the window a crack. The owner of the Rolls proudly tells him, "I now have a double bed in the back of my car."

The Texan cocked his head and yelled, "You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?

[Darlene]

Haaaaa Haaaaaa Haaaaaa!!

Good one Karen!!!!

Darlene

[hoops]

bahhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaa
peace
hoops

[greenpaul]

A rich man, leaving the golf course in his Rolls Royce, feels in good mood and decides to pick up a hitchhiker on the way home. The hitchhiker sits alongside him in front and notices two golf tees on the console between them. Not knowing anything about golf, he asks the driver what they are. "They're tees, son, I rest my balls on them when I'm driving". "Hell" says the hitcher, "Rolls Royce think of everything don't they".

Greenpaul

[Mary6906]

First, I may just apologize to any blonde Rudies in the group :o ...... but I just can't resist....

A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.... ...bottles won't fit in printer !!!

March
Got really excited..... finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... Box said '2-4 years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.... .wrong instructions. ...8 cups of Water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing...... .couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. ....learned later. The other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... Car swamped because soft-top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn' t it? ??

October
Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there' s no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!


THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

-- Mary :p

[aabram]

(1) More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.

(2) More people are killed each year by coconuts than sharks. Approximately 150 people are killed each year by coconuts.

(3) You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a poisonous spider.

(4) Fleas have the distinction of killing more people than all the wars man has ever fought. The "Black Death" plague killed 1/4 of Europe's population in the 14th century, caused by germs transmitted from rodents to humans by fleas.

(5) The animal responsible for the most human deaths worldwide is the mosquito.

(6) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

(7) A hundred years ago, the average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

(8) Today, only one in two billion people will live to be 116 or older.

(9) Your statistical chance of being murdered is 1 in 20,000.

(10) There are 5 times as many deaths due to the negligence of doctors as there are deaths due to firearms.

(11) On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.

(12) Robert Hershey, of Hershey Chocolate fame, died when he fell into a vat of chocolate and drowned.

(13) Dr. Alice Chase, who wrote "Nutrition for Health" and numerous books on the science of proper eating, died of malnutrition.

(14) Adolph Hitler's mother seriously considered having an abortion but was talked out of it by her doctor.

(15) When Mahatma Gandhi died, an autopsy revealed that his small intestine contained five gold Krugerrands.

(16) When Thomas Edison died in 1941; Henry Ford captured his last dying breath in a bottle.

(17) In 1845, President Andrew Jackson's pet parrot was removed from his funeral for swearing.

(18) Robert Todd Lincoln, son of Abraham Lincoln, was present at the assassinations of three presidents: his father's, President Garfield's, and President McKinley's. After the last shooting, he refused ever to attend a state affair again.

(19) When Mark Twain was born on Nov 30, 1835, Halley's comet was visible over Florida, Missouri. Mark Twain predicted in 1909 that he would die when it returned. He was right. When he died on April 21, 1910, Halley's comet was once again visible in the sky.

__________________

And it's OK Mary. those were really good :)

[Mary6906]

(6) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

I'm sort of liking that #6 fact in some strange sort of way....:rolleyes:


(12) Robert Hershey, of Hershey Chocolate fame, died when he fell into a vat of chocolate and drowned.
and is this such a bad way to go?

[aabram]

I'm kind of not liking Adolph's Hitler's mother's decision at the moment..... :rolleyes: ( (14) )

[Mary6906]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole with dirt, when her neighbor peered over the fence.
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing, there?"
"My goldfish died," replied Little Nancy, tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbor laughed and said, condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for such a little goldfish, isn't it?"
Little Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt and then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

-------------------------------

A sea anenome floats into a bar and says to the bartender, "I'd like to buy a drink for that man in the corner."
The bartender takes the drink to the man in the corner and says, "This is from your friend over there." The man replies,
"With anenome like that, who needs friends?"

-------------------------------

Two men walk in to a bar. You'd think the other one would have ducked.


-------------------------------

MESSAGE OF THE DAY:
Too often, we lose sight of life's simple pleasures.
Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42
muscles in your face to frown BUT, it only takes 4
muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the
motherf**ker upside the head...

-------------------------------

A man and his wife were working in their garden one day.

The man looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big I mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill, then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.
"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, the husband was feeling a little frisky. He made some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
"What's wrong?" he asks. She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?"


-- Mary :D

[Dee]

The neighbor laughed and said, condescendingly, "That's a really big hole for such a little goldfish, isn't it?"

Little Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt and then replied, "That's because he's inside your damn cat."

http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k267/deemark/Emoticons/boggled.jpg http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k267/deemark/Emoticons/chuckling.gif

Thanks for these Mary! I need a morning chuckle today.

[hoops]

great laughs mary thank you ...still snickering to myself.

for anyone who remembers the zoloft commericals with the little bouncy faces. i'm not using pics cause i don;t know how so...visualize.

frame one
smiley face says to frowny face (in a disgustiongly cheerful manner)
"Smile! You know it takes 52 muscles to frown and only 4 to smile!"

frame two
frowny face hasn't changed but smiley face is now frowny as hee bounces away

frame three
frowny face says ( brilliantly cleverly ) "I'm trying to work out more"

the end

thank you for your minds
pace
hoops

[Bat]

Hee hee...good one, Hoops. I'm SO glad I started this thread...some good ones here. :D

[aabram]

Georgia :
The owner of a golf course was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
************************************************** *************
Alabama :
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.
"Where's Henry?" the others asked.
"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied."
You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.
"A tough call," nodded the hunter.
"But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"
************************************************** *************
Louisiana
A senior at LSU was overheard saying, "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana."
When asked why, he replied he'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world.
************************************************** ************
Mississippi
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?
"The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
************************************************** ************
Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?"
************************************************** ************
Arkansas
A man in Little Rock had a flat tire, pulled onto the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.
A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.
The man replied, "I have a flat tire."
The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"
The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither."
************************************************** ************
And my favorite:
You can say what you want about the South,
but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving North...

[lucille]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about
ranching,
So she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it,
And when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,
Figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew
a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very
well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said
"You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.
You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the room,
He found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of
wine,
Waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

"Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor.

Then she looked at him and said:
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again I'll break your bloody
neck"

[hoops]

Lucille, i don;t know why, i should have seen it coming, actually i thought for a moment that i did...then BAM! it hit me right in the face.. hahahaha great one!

annabel,
i'm beginning to believe more and more that you have a bit o the celtic wit in you...GOOD!
peace
hoops

[Dee]

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain is asking for a push.

“Not a chance,” says the husband, “it’s 3:00 in the morning!” He slams the door and returns to bed.

“Who was that?” asked his wife.

“Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

“Did you help him?” she asks.

“No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!”

“Well, you have a short memory,” says his wife. “Can”t you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, “Hello, are you still there?”

“Yes,” comes back the answer.

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.

[Eva]

“Do you still need a push?” calls out the husband.

“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.

“Where are you?” asks the husband.

“Over here on the swing,” replies the drunk.
BWAAAAAAAAAA! Love it. Sounds like my ex :D Luckily he stopped drinking. I didn't like being out in the rain at night.

Eva

[Dee]

Through the pitch black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship, so he sends out a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east."

The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!"

"I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir."

Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I am not changing course!"

There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse, sir. It's your call."

[hoops]

on the swing! hahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I'm a lighthouse OMG LMAOOOOOOOOO!
peace
hoops

[Dar]

Those were GREAT!!

>>Tennessee
A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65.
The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"
The driver replied, "Bout whut?" << SNORT!!

[Darlene]

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.
Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious,Dad. Can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and

followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh, my gosh!" my wife exclaimed. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie,Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I said accusingly to my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?"she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!).

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,"she informed me (Again with the sarcasm!).

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience," I announced "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked

"Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.

"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know.

"Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him.(Women can be so cruel to their own young I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.).

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. . . Ernie is a boy. You see,Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . um . . . masturbate. Just the way he did,lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So, Ernie's just . just . . . excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied , relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. "It's just .that . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . . its. . . teeny little . . " She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car.. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.

One cage: $50.

Trip to the vet: $30.

Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie:

Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs

[Eva]

Heheh... I heard this one about a hamster. I love the "Breath Ernie breath!" part :D

Eva

[hoops]

sure you laugh ( actually i did too, had to walk away from the computer for a few minutes so the tears of laughter didn't short the thing out) yes, laugh away but you forget that even after all of this humiliation the poor lizard is going to be blind! http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_19.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxpt024YYUS) http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_11_6.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxpt024YYUS) http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_20.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxpt024YYUS) http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/4/4_1_72.gif (http://www.smileycentral.com/?partner=ZSzeb001_ZNxpt024YYUS)Baaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahahahah ahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!
peace
hoops





http://www.smileycentral.com/sig.jsp?pc=ZSzeb096&pp=ZNxpt024YYUS (http://smiley.smileycentral.com/download/index.jhtml?partner=ZSzeb096_ZNxpt024YYUS&utm_id=7924)

[aabram]

Loved that one, Darlene :D

Last Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long
johns and dressed quietly. I made a lunch, grabbed the dog and went to the garage to hook up the boat to the truck and down the driveway I went. Coming out of the garage rain is pouring down; it is like a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
Minutes later, I returned to the garage. I came back into the house and
turned the TV to the weather channel. I find it’s going to be bad weather
all day long, so I put the boat back in the garage, quietly undressed and
slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and
whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

To which she sleepily replies,
"Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that!

[lucille]

Here ya go Hoops - anticipation anticipation.:D


TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO

THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST

NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS,

THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL


THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD

GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO

UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN

INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE

SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF

MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.'

THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO

OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR

BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS,

'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!' 'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL

THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND S AYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU SAY

THAT? ''WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!'

[hoops]

eh hmmm lucille HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHABABABABABAQAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAALMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...thank you
pace
hoops

[Bat]

At the end of the tax year the IRS sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle
drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his Unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: What about all these matzo (bread) purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Internal Revenue Service, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

[Dee]

http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k267/deemark/Emoticons/ROFL.gif

[hoops]

bat,
i'm with dee HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
pace
hoops

[KarenSews2]

Good one, Bat! Reminds me of another one.

After many years of performing circumcisions, the rabbi took his collection of foreskins to a leatherworker to have something made. He had no specific request, "Just whatever you can make with them."

A few weeks later, he returned, and the leatherworker handed him a wallet.

The rabbi was astounded. "I gave you all those foreskins, and all I got was this little wallet?"

The man replied, "Well, yes. But rub it a while, and it turns into a suitcase."

:eek:

[Bat]

Good one, Bat! Reminds me of another one.


BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAH!!!:D :D :D

[Mary6906]

ROFL... Good ones, Karen and Bat.... I needed a good laugh to start my work day!!! :D

[aabram]

Oh!!!!! You lot are so BAD :p

[KarenSews2]

Oh!!!!! You lot are so BAD :p


But that's good, right? :D

[aabram]

But that's good, right? :D

Of course they are.... :D

[Amy in Vermont]

Al the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called "pullets", and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so
John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency reports simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning Al noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer Al's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. Al was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result...The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

[Bat]

Oh gawd, Amy...that was too bad not to pass on!:p

[Mary6906]

Lol.... Yeah... Love It.

[hoops]

no bell piece prize hahahahahahaha
pulletsuprise lololol
peace
hoops

[lucille]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.

"Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter."

[DaveM]

I once wrote to a Nobel Peace Prize winner who had announced that he was going to distribute the money from his prize to several organizations. I asked if that meant each of them would be receiving a Nobel Prize piece.

Believe it or not, I got a personal response, though he did not answer my question.

[Eva]

Actually, however funny the jokes are. I mostly check this thread to see Hoops's responses. You always make me laugh, Hoops :D


bahhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaa

on the swing! hahahahahaHAHAHAHAHA!!!
I'm a lighthouse OMG LMAOOOOOOOOO!

Baaaaaaaaaaaaa hahahahahahahahahah ahhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaabaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!

eh hmmm lucille HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHABABABABABAQAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAALMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA...thank you

bat,
i'm with dee HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

no bell piece prize hahahahahahaha
pulletsuprise lololol

Eva

[gisli]

Why can´t I be that smart???????

http://martasmarta.blog.is/img/flvplayer.swf?file=http://martasmarta.blog.is/users/1d/martasmarta/videos/2787-11549.flv&autostart=true&fs=true

[Eva]

I will await Hoops's respons... :D

Eva

[hoops]

thank you evA :)
PEACE
hoops

[lucille]

I mostly check this thread to see Hoops's responses.

I agree Eva, and as I said before, Hoops is my best audience;)

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do accountants use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe.."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh iit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.

[hoops]

through his chest with a sharp knife
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
THE BLONDE BECAUSE SHE IS 18 LMAOOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!

omgggggg ar you sure it's mine hahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAAAAAAAA TALL ENOUGH TO BAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHA GO ON THE HAHAHAHA RIDES BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!
too funny lucille lmaooooooo
peace
hoops

[aabram]

Oh what a WONDERFUL way to go.... :p :p :p HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... :D

[Eva]

through his chest with a sharp knife
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
THE BLONDE BECAUSE SHE IS 18 LMAOOOOOOOOOOO BAAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!

omgggggg ar you sure it's mine hahahahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

HAAAAAAAA TALL ENOUGH TO BAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAAA HAHAHA GO ON THE HAHAHAHA RIDES BAAAAAAAHAHAHAHA!
too funny lucille lmaooooooo
peace
hoops
*snort* :D

[KarenSews2]

I bought a new Lexus 330 and returned to the dealer next day because I couldn't get the radio to work. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.

"Nelson" the salesman said to the radio. The radio replied, "Ricky or Willie? "Willie!" he continued and "On The Road Again" came from the speakers. Then he said, "Ray Charles" and in an instant, "Georgia On My Mind" replaced Willie Nelson. I drove away happy and for the next few days every time I'd say "Beethoven", I'd get beautiful classical music and if I said "Beatles", I'd get one of their awesome songs.

Yesterday, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled "Ass Holes!" Immediately, "Hail To the Chief" began playing with Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld on trumpets and Condoleeza Rice doing the vocal.

Damn, I love this car!!!

[hoops]

karen
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHABAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA AAAAA HAHAHAHAH TOOOOOO FUNNY.
peace
hoops

[DaveM]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The Blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," she says.

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the blonde says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So I just switched the heads."

[Bat]

OMG! What a grabber that was...never heard it before, so it got me!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Passed it on to all I know....toooo funny!:D:eek:

[Dee]

"So I just switched the heads."

http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k267/deemark/Emoticons/chuckling.gif

[Eva]

Scary! :eek:

Eva

[Roady]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for
weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.
Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't
gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad forclassmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're
a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a
bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect
it to contain? Lobster?

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'

New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're
a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a
grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done.

New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of
this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry,
but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour
some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned
pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the
bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be
in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security
crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the *******.
If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low
fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light
ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge
*******.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding,
no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is
supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to
'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were
praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly
sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because
watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.
What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's
called 'The Howard Stern Show.'

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,
I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so
we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason
something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't
good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with
George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some
freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to
wash my hands

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27
months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't
really care in the first place.

New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every
available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do
you want fries with that?'

[Dee]

http://i90.photobucket.com/albums/k267/deemark/Emoticons/applause.gif Funny guy!

[KarenSews2]

A 3 YEAR OLD

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 3 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

[Dar]

Thanks for the laughs!! ROFLMFAO

[Bat]

Oh, EEEK Karen!!!:eek:

Bet they laughed over that for years...once daddy got his stomach back.