New Joke Thread

[paularoid]

Difficult Being A Patient

A woman called a local hospital. "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients. I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected, or getting worse."
The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
"Sarah Finkel, room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302."
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine. She is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."
The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!"
"Neither. I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!."
.

[KarenSews2]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in."

[Green Monkey]

Hahahaha!

GM :D

[paularoid]

http://www.shibumi.org/eoti.htm

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v25/paularoid/JIMB/InternetEnd.jpg

.

[Dee]

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. When they made it to the bedroom, they saw a big brass gong next to the bed.

"What's a big brass gong doing in your bedroom?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup," replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering whack, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You *******, it's ten past three in the morning!"

[Irish Beth]

TOP 10 THOUGHTS FOR 2006

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.
Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky..... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism
Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2006:
We know exactly where one cow with mad cow disease is located among the
millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

[KarenSews2]

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser.

Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.

Well, he died.

He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her, she came over with the box and
put it in the casket.

Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

The loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"

"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

[Dee]

Bill Clinton, Al Gore, and George W. Bush are sentenced to die before a firing squad, and are marched out to the prison yard.

Clinton is the first to be placed against the wall. He refuses to be blindfolded or have his hands tied. Suddenly he shouts, "Earthquake!" The firing squad falls to the ground and in the confusion, Clinton scrambles over the wall to freedom.

Gore is the second to be placed against the wall. He refuses to be blindfolded or have his hands tied. Suddenly he shouts, "Tornado!" The firing squad falls to the ground, and in the confusion Gore scrambles over the wall to freedom.

Bush is the last. He thinks, "Aha, I see the pattern here. I simply have to shout out some type of disaster, then I can climb over the wall and be free too." He is placed against the wall and refuses to be blindfolded or have his hands tied. Suddenly he shouts, "Fire!"

[Eva]

Good one, Dee! :D

Eva

[hoops]

dee, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

[lucille]

LOL DEE


Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.



At a Budapest Zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctor's office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.

Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.

In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.

On the grounds of a Nairobi private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.

In Aamchi Mumbai restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.

Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.

Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.

Advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.

A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.

Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS; WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.

The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.

Another, the best! In a Japanese cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.

[KarenSews2]

Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
================================================== ========

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage
door
opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in
back
yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily
dirt
into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower
gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening
drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!

[mixtymotions]

BARBER SHOP

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and half." The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later, Bill returned to the shop,laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "Your house."

[Dee]

A guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine. All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the North.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

:p

[paularoid]

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A3164186

Why the Number of Stupid People on Earth is Increasing (UG)

The theory of natural selection explains that as a species of any kind evolves, the weaker members of that species will not survive. These weaknesses can be anything from not being able to outrun another species that views you as its next meal, to deciding to leave the oceans without bothering to evolve lungs.

Early man evolved and developed through the ability to adapt to his surroundings. One of the weaknesses of humans however was stupidity. This stupidity was to a greater extent kept in check by natural selection. If for example, a stupid human decided it would be a good idea single handedly attack a sabre toothed tiger, the result would be that the human in question would learn the error of his ways shortly before his death. This was a good thing because it kept the number of stupid people low, and more importantly they didn't get the chance to add stupidity to the gene pool.

Several thousand years passed, and along came the technical innovations of the industrial age. Stupid people were still happily weeding themselves out of the population. If you had an obsession with 'those new fangled steam locomotives' and thought you'd like to see them up close, then you would die on the tracks. If you wanted to see what would happen if you used less 'pit props' in your mine, you would learn the hard way. The message was simple: stupid people who do stupid things die horribly.

As the earth moved into the twentieth century, several changes happened that altered the ratio of stupid to non-stupid people on Earth. Arguably the greatest factor to bring about an increase in dim-witted people was the advances in medical treatment. Stupid people having accidents were now able to get treated more effectively for whatever mishap they ended up having. Stupid people were surviving to tell the tale, and more importantly they were going on to breed. If, as some species believe, that stupidity is inherited genetically, then it becomes obvious, that there will be more stupid people with the passing of time.

Eventually a group of government bureaucrats began to take note. They in turn asked the statisticians to look into it. After several months of extensive correlating of various facts and figures, a secret report into world stupidity was published. The findings of the report stated that there was an exponential increase in the numbers of stupid people. The bureaucrats formed a select committee to look into the growing problem. The select committee in turn decided it was too big a problem to deal with, and public executions of stupid people wouldn't win votes for anyone. The bureaucrats decided there was only one option open to them: they would have to make laws for the protection of stupid people.

It is worth noting at this point some of the other conclusions of the report into world stupidity. The report also noted that one stupid female, intent on breeding could realistically produce approximately one offspring a year. Where as one stupid male could become responsible for many stupid babies in a year. Also the report made note that stupid people seemed to watch a disproportionally high amount of satellite television.

By the end of the twentieth century, the number of stupid people was close to epidemic proportions. It had got to the state that there were so many laws trying to shift the blame from stupid people, that a group of lawyers got together in secret to see if the situation could be exploited. The lawyers soon realized that stupid people could use the law to make money; all they needed to do was work out how. With a stroke of genius, one lawyer (Wesley Clifford Unwin) reasoned that stupid people are more likely to have accidents. Therefore his reasoning went that he could sue on behalf of stupid people for any catastrophe that may have beset them. The end result would be that he could profit from the situation. Acting on this idea, he advertised in The Times. The results were not the success he predicted. Another lawyer (Zachariah Jameson-Smythe) seeing the advertisement realized that the idea was good, it had just been advertised in the wrong place. Jameson-Smythe had the revolutionary idea of offering a similar service, but he instead advertised on satellite television. The advert itself is now a classic formula, with its heavy reliance on pictures of cheques, offers of receiving "100% of your compensation" and large printed slogans. Generally the advert has been emulated by almost every law firm advertising similar services.

The end result of this change is that stupid people are now in positions throughout society where they can make changes that effect the population as a whole. There are people in the world who believe that the bureaucracies that initiated the changes to the laws are now heavily over run with the cretins they attempted to protect. If this is true, it would seem to the casual observer that evolution has a wicked sense of humour.

There are still some people on Earth, who, in spite of the laws to protect them, actively try to exit population. Each year the Darwin Awards chronicle those people, who have through their own idiocy reached the zenith of stupidity. This is clear indication that if the protective laws were removed, the human population would return to a natural balance of one idiot per village.

[Dee]

A soldier came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there. He asked her, "Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I'll explain WHY later."

The nun agreed to his request.

A short time later, two Military Police (MPs) came running along and asked if she had seen a soldier running down the road.

She replied, "He went that way."

After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister, but you see I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said she could fully understand his fear.

The soldier added, "I hope you don't think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I've ever seen!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you've ever seen! I don't want to go to Iraq either.

[paularoid]

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know, Sister? Have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous, of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink. if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no one will know"

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar. "Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's not that drunken lush Nun again is it?"

[Dee]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.

#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and! finds his father in bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

"Well," the little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep sh*t."

[mixtymotions]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if that damn ice cream truck hadn't come along".

[KarenSews2]

"Dear Lord," the preacher began with arms extended and a rapturous look on
his upturned face,
"without you we are but dust..."
He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"
Church was pretty much over at that point

[Dee]

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."

"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."