Harrassed Off A Website

[ponytail]

I just had a really horrible experience. A website I visit -- FearNet.com, a horror movie site -- came up with an ad campaign, flashing across the top of the first screen you see when you visit the site, using the word "Fruit" in a derogatory way. I posted a short comment that I found it homophobic. I actually didn't think it was any big deal that I'd posted the message. I thought maybe some people would agree with me, and that I'd get two or three responses maybe.

When I got on the site a day later, there were over a hundred responses -- most of them ridiculing my post, dismissing my concerns, and some making more homophobic jokes. There were a couple of brave souls who supported me, but for the most part it was amazingly hateful. I felt defensive and responded angrily -- as a lot of people would in that position -- and then two more pages of even more hateful (and more personal) comments appeared, many from members who I've never talked with at all before making very nasty and false statements about me, haughtily psychoanalyzing me, etc. Pretty much including tossing in every gay stereotype in the book.

I just announced on the thread that I'm quitting the site, and already more ugly comments have been thrown my way. I sent the administration a note saying I'd like them to delete my account -- but several weeks ago I tried to communicate with the administration about something else and got no response. I'm not at all confident they'll do anything.

Don't know what else to say about it at the moment, except that I'm feeling pretty traumatized. As a child abuse survivor, I have a powerful compulsion to obsess about an experience like this, and to keep going back to defend myself. Staying away from this site, just not participating in this "discussion" anymore where I know I'm only going to get abused further, is going to be like resisting a drug addiction for awhile.

I could really use some good Rudie thoughts and prayers right now, folks. And any advice from those who may have had similar experiences. I thank God there are some sites like this on the Internet, where the members are decent people and the administration actually gives a damn about members.

[Agnes]

Rudie vibes heading your way, Jack! I think it was the right thing for you to do, posting that comment. Take care, and know you're among friends here.

[ponytail]

Thanks, Agnes. I really appreciate it.

[GodSistah]

Much love to you!

I got your back, bro!

Keep your head up!

:)

~Andrea~

[DaveM]

I am astonished at what otherwise "ordinary" (I will not say "good") people will do when they believe themselves to be anonymous and beyond any possible consequences for their actions. Have run into it myself on web sites, and like you, Jack, I finally decided it just wasn't worth my time to stay there and attempt to ignore the abuse. So I moved on--and my blood pressure went down about 20 points. Leave the haters to their own company--this sort of conduct is the hallmark of cowards and you deserve far better company.

Let them bicker with each other and move on. And do your best not to give them a second thought. Such people do not want something like you leaving the web site--they want to get under your skin. Don't let them. In the short term, they may be congratulating each other over driving you out. But in time, if any of them have any brains, they'll realize that their "victory" is rather hollow.

[Dee]

Sorry this happened to you, Ponytail. Dave speaks wisdom: they aren't worth your time (or energy).

[hoops]

PT,
i;m very sorry you had this experience...know this, you are welcome here always and i send up my thoughts and prayers for you through this so that you might fight that urge to go back and fight. it's a hard thing to do i know, but i have faith that you can
peace
Noel

[david uk]

you're better than them Jack, much better.

they are cowards, and are hiding behind a screen saying stuff they'd never say to anyone face to face.

tell yourself "it's only the internet" and move on from that site.

:) :)

[ponytail]

Thanks so much, everybody. It means the world to me to know you're there for me.

I've done some investigating and found out how to PM an administrator about getting out of there. I did so. I hope he gets back to me -- I'll just feel better when my connection with that site is formally severed. (Or at least I hope so).

I've had ugly experiences on the internet before, including attacks from homophobes. It takes me by surprise and really rattles me. I never expect people who don't know me, to whom I've done nothing, to start gushing hatred at me. It's as bewildering as the attacks by playground bullies when I was a kid. And the worst thing is this overwhelming desire to refute the things the things they say, to prove they're wrong, which of course is impossible. They have no interest in the facts anyway.

I was supposed to go to a rehearsal tonight and instead I've stayed home. Dave offered to take us out to dinner and I asked him to just bring something home for me. I can't face people, or being out in public, tonight. I feel just awful.

Guess I'll go try to write it out of my system. Thanks again, my friends. I'm so grateful to know you're there.

[Eva]

Rudievibes are on their way to you Ponytail. Please don't give up anything nice because of those people.

Eva

[gisli]

Don´t you feel bad Ponytail, don´t make yourself the victim here, as I see it what you did was a good thing, what the others did was the wrong thing.

Be proud of yourself man, be proud.

[Oak Kitten]

PonyTail,

Those people are pathetic. Some day, if they are REALLY lucky, they will achieve some level of self-awareness and be very much ashamed of their behavior. Or they will just continue on with their wretched little lives with their poisonous souls - trying to hurt other people in order to make themselves feel better. Look at it this way; they caused you some short-term emotional pain, but you will recover. On the other hand, they will wake up every morning and have to live another day of their wretched existence as themselves. That is their punishment. It must really suck to be them.

Oak

[DaveM]

My feelings exactly: THEY'RE the ones who have to look at themselves in the mirror every morning. I wouldn't wish that on anyone but you have to admit, they've earned it.

[Randy & Betty in Pa]

PT...

So what did you learn besides the fact that your a better person then many of them... Sometimes it's best just to walk away from idiots, obviously they are not bright enough to understand others have feelings and may even choose not to live the life of the "supposed moral majority". Some people choose to feed off of hatred and looking down on others often because self consciously they know they are somewhat inferior. They just aren't worth being bothered by.. My friend, just know you are always welcome whereever we are... You're a better man then most Gunga Din!

R & B from Pa

[Darlene]

Oh PonyTail, I can not believe that someone would hurt someone who is as gentle and kind as you. I got GREAT BIG RUDIE VIBES coming your way. Don't let those arrogant stupid people even try to reach you at the great level of human kind that you are located at. You know you are loved at this site and we will be here to support you in anyway you need. Vibes and Prayers are coming your way and don't let those creepy individuals hurt you in any way or they will have to answer to us rudies. WE LOVE YOU, JACK!

Peace, Darlene

[ponytail]

Thank you all so much.

I did get an answer from the administrator there, who said he would lock the thread if I asked him to on the thread. He didn't answer my inquiry about deleting my membership. So I did ask him on the thread, which meant going back there -- and of course the stream of personal attacks is still going on and on. I also said on the thread that I want him to delete my membership.

I hope he gets around to it soon. Meanwhile, despite powerful impulses to the contrary, I'm going to try to focus on other stuff today.

Thanks again. I love you guys!

[aabram]

PT... I hate prejudice in all it's forms. This was a dreadful way to treat anyone and I shall PM you about this. Meanwhile have some more Rudie Vibes courtesy of yours truly

Annabel :)

[ponytail]

Thanks, Annabel. Update -- they did lock the thread, so it can't continue. They haven't deleted my membership, though -- but I won't be using it. I'm done with that place.

[Rickster]

Ponytail, I would definately contact the admin. as they have "forum rules" posted. What a bunch of idiots! I would kick those people off for being so ignorant!

[gisli]

Hey can´t seem to get in to that webpage.......the only thing that happens is a bloody chair falling from....somewhere. Not that it matters, I just wanted to enlight them that Count Dracula was actually the first gay to come out from the coffin.

[Eva]

Ponytail, if all else fails you can always send in your 'nice' neighbours :eek: :eek:

Eva

[Dee]

I'm done with that place.

Glad to hear it, Jack! No one deserves to be treated like that. Onward and upward to better times. (((HUG)))

[soulMerlin]

Bill my producer, once said, "Don't sweat over trivia" when I was agonising about a bad encounter. It didn't feel like trivia at the time - and it probably wasn't trivia. Strange though - as soon as I labelled it "trivia" it became just that.

love

henry

[Randy & Betty in Pa]

Bill my producer, once said, "Don't sweat over trivia" when I was agonising about a bad encounter. It didn't feel like trivia at the time - and it probably wasn't trivia. Strange though - as soon as I labelled it "trivia" it became just that.


Henry what a great point!

Best R.

[aabram]

Jack, enjoy the link I gave you. I shall be going there shortly

Annabel :D

[RedjackRyan]

Hey Jack, sorry i wasn't around to lend support.

Remember what i told you though about having a thick skin on the net. It helps, believe me. Hang in there bud, don't give the bastiches the satisfaction of ruining your good mood.

[ponytail]

Thanks again, everyone.

Rickster, I did contact the administration -- they locked the thread for me, but also told me "you are as guilty as anyone" because I responded angrily to the abuse, and because I accused the site of having done something offensive in the first place. Apparently calling someone a "bigot" is a very serious accusation, but calling someone a "fruit" is just good fun.

I'm never going back there, and I'd appreciate it if other people didn't go there on my behalf. I really need it to be over, and to move on from it. It's affected me far too much already.

Lucky for me I have an appointment with my therapist in about an hour. Synchronicity -- I scheduled it weeks before this happened!

BTW, Gisli -- thanks for the Dracula image. I've always found him kinda sexy, especially when Christopher Lee plays him!

[Oak Kitten]

PonyTail,

You cannot control the behavior of others. But you CAN control the way you react to that behavior. I am glad you have decided to walk away from those twits.

Oak

[Randy & Betty in Pa]

PonyTail,

You cannot control the behavior of others. But you CAN control the way you react to that behavior. I am glad you have decided to walk away from those twits.

Oak

Randy...

Those people give twits a bad name...

Best

R. from pa

[Bat]

You should have invited them over to the zoo...they wouldn't know what hit them, and then they would have been tossed by the administrative efforts of our John...ah, what satisfaction, just thinking about it.
I, too, love to be loved, Jack...it hurts when we're not, but a good smack in the teeth to the offender is most satisfactory, especially when you draw blood. GRRRRRR! I call what they do, 'hate'...retaliation is done with the highest sense of ridicule and much laughter at them, while inflicting pain on their psyches to show them how it feels.
Bullies only understand it one way.

[DaveM]

Perhaps we should all join up and take a bit of The Zoo over there for a while....we probably wouldn't last long, but surely turnabout is fair play. Either that or we could sign them all up for "information" from Jehovah's Witnesses, the Mormons, and the Church of Scientology. I suppose that wouldn't be fair to the Scientologists, though.

[ponytail]

That is what I did, Bat, and when they locked the thread, I finally got the last word. Unfortunately these people never stop indulging in projection, and keep supplying their own highly distorted -- or totally transformed -- version of what you said (and the motives behind it, and, in fact, your whole personality and history). When you confront them with how they're behaving, they find a way to blame you for their behavior. Hmmmm, blaming the victim --- sound familiar?

I got an e-mail from a friend who is still there calling my attention to new procedures they posted on how to get them to delete a membership. I had to go back AGAIN to do this procedure (and that's all I did while there -- I didn't look at anything). So theoretically now my membership and all my posts should vanish, which is good -- I don't want any of my writing on that site, and I don't want to have any affiliation with it.

[aabram]

Jack, I'll PM you again tomorrow about this. Go to Coffin Talk, it's so much friendler. :)

Annabel

[sky]

I'm glad you were able to get what you wanted done (deleting your account). Internet forums can be a dangerous place because you never know who you are dealing with and they say 70% of all communication is non verbal. But when on the net you can't see the other persons body language, facial expressions, or hear their tone of voice--so things can get out of hand really fast with some people. As far as them trying to put it back on you and twist your words, like I was saying as far as the net you can say one thing and someone can say you meant something else. But those people sounded really raunchy anyway. Your better than that. What they said was not ok.
Sky

[pulmike]

Sorry Jack. You tale reminds us that message boards are a reflection of the real world. There are a few safe places, but mostly it's an adventure. Adventures can turn out well or not so well, but without them there is no challenge, and no stories either.

pulmike

[ponytail]

Good point, Mike. I've already had quite a bit of writing spill out because of it.

[DaveM]

Anything called "Coffin Talk" sounds most intriguing. Sounds like the sort of place Anne Rice might hang around.

[Dee]

Good point, Mike. I've already had quite a bit of writing spill out because of it.

That's an excellent idea Jack, and I'm glad you're working at putting that ugly episode behind you.

[aabram]

Anything called "Coffin Talk" sounds most intriguing. Sounds like the sort of place Anne Rice might hang around.

It's a little bit of fun. Anyone who wants the link, just PM me!!! They're a friendly bunch and it's as safe as this one :)

Annabel

[Dougster]

I had a similar experience a few years ago. I know how hard it is to "let it go" but there will always be mean people in the world who have never had the pleasure of knowing a good gay friend. Try to let the words of support here outweigh the hurt you felt there.

[corolla girl]

Hi Poneytail,
I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and hope that each day you are feeling a little bit better.

Know that you are supported here at the JIMB......Rudie Vibes coming your way......Take care.....cg.......:) :) :)