Musician Jokes

[ponytail]

From Berklee Today:

Two liners:
How do you get a musician to complain? Get him a gig.
How can you tell when there's a bass player at your door? The doorbell drags.
How do you keep your violin from being stolen? Keep it in a viola case.
What's the difference between a guitarist and a large pizza? The pizza can feed a family of four.
What's the similarity between a banjo and an artillery shell? By the time you hear it, it's too late to run.
What are you likely to hear when you see a rock drummer dressed in a three-piece suit? "Will the defendant please rise."
What type of a calendar does a trombonist need to keep track of his gigs? Year-at-a-glance.
How can you tell when a harpist is playing out of tune? Her fingers are moving.

The Greatest Lies of Rock 'n' Roll:
The booking is definite.
It's a standard contract.
The monitor mix sounds just like the house mix.
The show starts at 8:00.
You'll get plenty of time for a sound check.
Someone will be there early to let you in.
Wait an hour; this room will fill up.
We don't need a contract for this one.
The cover art looked fine when we proofed it.
The balance is perfect at the back of the hall.
I forgot my calendar, but we'll have you back next week.
My girlfriend's a pro at running sound.
We'll definitely come to see you play tonight.
Yeah, that outlet is totally safe.

Jazz Musician Haikus:
Solo pianist
Freed from all constraints of form
Heedlessly mangles

Best man pays sideman
Leader's greediness revealed
Rebellion ensues

Riffing on "Rudolph"
Musicians in red and green
Learn humility

I'm sending a sub
Not to worry, he'll be fine
He's fresh from rehab

The jam session starts
The bassist calls "Giant Steps"
Cold fear grips my brain

Women crowd bandstand
Lured by my outrageous chops
My alarm clock rings

Free jazz temptation
Strikes during the bride's first dance
What would Wynton do?

Break time is over
Rest of band is returning
Now for the phone call

The drummer helped
Me count the syllables in this
Haiku

I once had a dream
Big house, new car, big money
Now I play the bass

Three men arrive before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates of Heaven. The first says, "During my time on earth, I worked as a doctor doing research, and I found cures for several major diseases. I think I should be admitted to Heaven." "Come right in," says St. Peter. The second man says, "During my life, I was a lawyer and devoted a lot of time to pro bono work to help the poor and disadvantaged. I think I qualify to get into Heaven." "Yes," says St. Peter. "Come in." The third man steps up and says, "I worked as a drummer my whole life. I played a lot of awful gigs, got paid poorly, and was treated badly throughout my career. I think I deserve a break; I'd like to be allowed into heaven." "OK," says St. Peter, "but you have to go around back and enter through the kitchen."

[KarenSews2]

How can you tell there's a soprano at your door? She can never find her key, and doesn't know when to come in, anyway.

How can you tell the stage is level? Equal amouts of drool coming out of both sides of the drummer's mouth. (huge apologies to Marcia!! :p )

How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just one. He holds it, then lets the world revolve around him!

What are the most important words for a Fine Arts major to learn? "You want fries with that?"

[Oak Kitten]

Those are great, PT!

I especially like:

What's the similarity between a banjo and an artillery shell? By the time you hear it, it's too late to run.

Same could be said of bagpipes and accordians I suppose - although I like all 3 instruments in the right context and in small doses.

Here is my admittedly infantile contribution. It is dumb, but it makes me laugh every time:

What is brown and sits on the piano bench?

Beethoven's first movement.

Ba DUM dum.

Oak

[KarenSews2]

What do an onion and an accordian have in common? You cry when you chop up an onion!

[DaveM]

How do you tell when the viola player is out sick? The string section is playing in tune.