anyone else affraid to make new friends

[saxman]

After my Best friend passed last year ive been very affraid to let anyone else in. My thoughts my most private thoughts were tied to this person . and dont want to do it all over again.i have few friends that i allow into my inner life. most of them well all of them are musicians. im not sure why thats just the way its always been . maybe playing with people musically is the closest thing for me and it is part of the friendship . we talk through our music to each other. Things that words cant say. has anyone else expierenced the same thing . after loseing a close friend ? not wanting to start over ? with someone new to the list. Just wondering today and missing Jerry .still angry hurt and pissed off that i cant talk to him anymore . i met Jerry in Viet Nam 37 years ago. we made it through together. he died last oct . for some reason i still email him hoping he will return one one of these days. see ya

[marjan]

Mike I'm sorry you feel bad about getting involved in new friendships. There is no rule to particepate in those. You just keep meeting people by a daily basis, and for now reason you suddenly find someone that clicks. If you know what I mean .. No one can tell you when that will happen to you again, but I'm sure some day it will happen to you again
Peace to you Mike

[Eva]

Hi Saxman,

I think Marjan is right. When the time is there and when you meet someone you have a 'click' with on a certain level, you might be building on a friendship again. Don't keep that person out. You are not being a 'traitor' towards Jerry if you make friends. He will be with you forever anyway.

Eva

[Darlene]

Friends are very important in a persons life. I have lost friends who died and friends who just, well sometimes things just happen that make you part ways. I morn for both kinds of friends the ones who pass on to hopefully a better pace, and those friends who just cannot forgive you no matter how much you try to make it better. I feel your pain and I know the loss of a friend who has died or has left this earthly body. They are everywhere, do you remember the movie "Powder" and how his earthly body just spread everywhere and all over everyone. Now that is beautiful. You friend will always be with you in your memory of him. He lives on through you.
It is not easy making friends especially if you have been hurt by such a loss but remember, when let if you had not yourself know him he would not be a part of you. I am afraid to make friends. It is hard, I am afraid that I may do or say something wrong and I will lose them. But no matter what happens you are a richer person by having a someone a friend, who becomes a part of you, just by being a part of your life.

[Dee]

Just wondering today and missing Jerry .still angry hurt and pissed off that i cant talk to him anymore . i met Jerry in Viet Nam 37 years ago. we made it through together. he died last oct . for some reason i still email him hoping he will return one one of these days.

Mike,

It has only been a very few months since your good friend died. Seems to me what's happening is that you're grieving about that (the anger, the hurt feelings, the fear of getting close to anyone else), and that's perfectly normal. There is no set time frame for grief.

The close bond you and Jerry shared through music and surviving the horrors of Vietnam will never be repeated with anyone else. But as others have said, in time you may meet someone else with whom you will want to be close, after you've reached a place of peace inside by working through your current grief. We can't predict the future.

[SongDragon]

In a way I don't know what you mean, as I have never had any of my friends pass away.

However, in another way, I understand all too well. I have a very hard time making friends, it seems. Here, on the Janis Ian Messageboard, I'm rather loud (obnoxious even), and when I meet people from the Janis Ian Messageboard I'm not so shy because I know we have two things in common (Janis Music and the JIMB), but when I meet people outside of the internet... I don't know. It suddenly feels like I have lockjaw, and like I'm being judged for every sarcastic comment I make, and everyone wishes I would just shut up for once. Sometimes this feeling makes me talk faster and even more, other times it really does just make me keep my mouth shut. But, Mike, you're not alone... Making friends is tough. I'm always nervous to send the first e-mail, and even more so for phone calls, because people who aren't used to me tend to have difficulties understanding what I'm saying (lisp, stuttering if I really get flustered, and New England accent which I didn't know I had until I moved away). So... we're with you there!

~Song

[aabram]

However, in another way, I understand all too well. I have a very hard time making friends, it seems. Here, on the Janis Ian Messageboard, I'm rather loud (obnoxious even), and when I meet people from the Janis Ian Messageboard I'm not so shy because I know we have two things in common (Janis Music and the JIMB), but when I meet people outside of the internet... I don't know. It suddenly feels like I have lockjaw, and like I'm being judged for every sarcastic comment I make, and everyone wishes I would just shut up for once. Sometimes this feeling makes me talk faster and even more, other times it really does just make me keep my mouth shut. But, Mike, you're not alone... Making friends is tough. I'm always nervous to send the first e-mail, and even more so for phone calls, because people who aren't used to me tend to have difficulties understanding what I'm saying (lisp, stuttering if I really get flustered, and New England accent which I didn't know I had until I moved away). So... we're with you there!

~Song

Same here, but with an OLD English Accent :)

[Bat]

Mike,Dee is right...you need time to mourn and put your memories in order. But don't avoid people; you need to be in good company, wherever you can find it--we are social beings after all. Don't look especially hard for friends and lovers, they will make themselves known when the time is right, and not before. Somehow, they just seem to come along at the right time, not when you want them, but when you need them.
Meanwhile, be friendly to everyone you meet; no need to spill your guts, but nice conversations will go where they are meant to go and as far.

May time ease your heart and open up new vistas to you, Mike.

[Randy & Betty in Pa]

Good evening Mike...

I read your post and found myself sitting on my hands thinking about it until I could figure out what I wanted to say...The loss of a dear and longtime friend is always traumatic under any circumstances, particularly when as in your case it was one that you shared life and death situations with... Like you, I have lost friends but your sevice in vietnam together adds another dimension that even a fellow veteran that DID NOT serve in a combat zone can claim to understand... Still a friend is a friend is a friend, all special, all unique and all having attained a personal value to you... In that rite I do comphrehend and somewhat understand your saying. I think like you I also have a problem with friends.... But its a bit reverse of yours, you see I crave friendship of those I feel are special like you, or Ben or Janis and so many others... True when you lose a friend for whatever reason it can be terribly painful and emotionally devastating, yet Mike even when that friend is gone after a time you need to let the anger mellow away and forgive them for going and forgive yourself for allowing them to go... Mike, your a good man and one that all would be proud to call friend....and I say that with total meaning because I feel it is absolutely the truth... I know losing a friend like Jerry hurts so much and though people will tell you the pain will go away it won't... At least in your case it won't go away because your friendship was so close and you went through so many things together... Also I suspect that you think the only way the pain will stop is if you "forget him" and you will never do that.... You're to good a friend to let a comrade and friend go unremembered. Mike... Jerry was lucky to have you for a friend and through you he will always be around... That said, you know as well as I do if Jerry spoke to you now he would appreciate you but equally encourage you to find new friends... Not to replace his memory but instead to share your thoughts and experiences of life and times with him with others... Through you many of us know of Jerry... In that way Jerry lives on... Yes losing a friend can be forever painful, but equally important is the fact that not allowing yourself to find and make new friends to avoid the pain of their leaving is closing off your ability to share in the joys and happiness that you share with others.... True the friendships may never be equal to the friendship lost, still you never know unless you allow yourself to selectively accept friends... Mike it's time to have a drink with Jerry and tell him from here on in your going to concentrate on the best of the times you both shared... He'd like that...

Stay well my friend.... Betty and I are looking forward to your visit in February very much....

R. from Pa

[hoops]

mike, your friends here have said a lot of good things. and things become especially difficult this time of year for some reason. heck, i've been thinking of my mom almost non stop for the last month or so. grieving doesn't have an order or a time frame, and making new friends happens when it is supposed to. you'll know you're ready to make new friends when you make one. until then, just be the wonderful you that you are
peace
hoops

[pulmike]

I am not a person who makes good friends easily either, Mike. I meet people easily enough, and I have enough social skills that meeting people isn't usually something I avoid on purpose. On the other hand I can count on the fingers of my hands the few that have somehow become good friends, even over the all the years. Good friends are precious, scarce, and necessary.

I have never set forth on a mission to make a good friend; never picked one person out from the crowd and intentionally tried to make a decent acquaintence into a good friend. When it has happened, it usually is when we are in some kind of an adventure together. Tragedy narrowly averted; that sort of thing. One morning I will just realize that I have a new friend. What a fun feeling!

For me it is not much different than falling in romantic love, except for the sex part. I can't predict when or who, I can't make it happen on purpose, but once in a long while its just there right when you need it.

Put aside your fears Michael. Friendships happen when you least expect it. All you have to do is live, meet people, and be kind.

pulmike

[ponytail]

...and don't forget, Mike -- you still (and always) have your friends here. Big hugs to you.

[RedjackRyan]

friends are where you find them, and you'll find them when you least expect to. Making new friends has absolutely no bearing on the friendship you had with Jerry, that was and will always remain a special thing that only you two shared. New friendships will take on their own characteristics and will never replace Jerry.

I personally am extremely sociable, I make casual friendships very easily..but I have only a small number of people I truly consider 'good friends' and some of these friendships are surprising to me because of the extreme differences in our outlooks, pasts, desires, and convictions. Those are the friendships I value the most because I learn so much.

Now the good people who have responded before me have said all that I could possibly say on the topic, read their words again and take to heart that which you find useful to you, and never forget that you've made quite a number of friendships right here on this messageboard.

[Darlene]

Hi Mike, I am sorry about your friend. But you must remember what you had and be thankful for that friendship. I know it makes you afraid to put yourself out there because you feel as if you will lose any future friends you might have. But Mike you took that chance with your friend and you benefited from it and it must have been a great friendship for you to be afraid to take a chance on another person. Mike you took that chance and because of that chance you had a great friend for a very long time.
Look at me I can't make friends at church at any social event, at a park, about anywhere I go but in a mental hospital. It is there that I thrive and after it is over I had made it my policy not to see these people on the outside. I don't want for anyone to get all crazy and tell me how much I am a part of this forum. Because one thing I do is watch people. This is easy because people don't see me, it is if I am invisible. Even on this forum I can't seem to interact with people who have a least one thing in common, "We all Love Janis Ian". But you guys also seem to have other things in common and I don't know how to deal with that. I have tried to joke but that does not work very well, I don't seem to be able to say the right things. Every day is a struggle for me. What do I do? Go live in a mental hospital, I don't think so even if it the best place in which I can interact best. No, that I am not willing to do. This problem has been going on since grade school. I don't see it getting any better. I am 52 yrs now.
I am so sorry Mike that you are afraid to make new friends but I believe that you will when the time is right. You know how to do it, it is just a little scary right now but you can do it. And I have faith that you will make that friend maybe not as soon as you might but it will happen for you. Good luck Mike and god's speed.

[saxman]

Thanks everyone when i got to Randy PA i could hardly read through the tears, Thanks for all Your help . im ok looking forward to visiting PHilly in feb im flying there to take my daughter out for valentines dinner, and visit the area for a week . see ya Thanks for all the kind and helpfull words.

[Eva]

[QUOTE=saxman]Thanks everyone when i got to Randy PA i could hardly read through the tearsQUOTE]
I can imagine! For all you know he will be your friend! :eek: Scary thought eh...? :D

Just kidding Saxman... I hope you will overcome your fear to make friends. One can never have too many good friends.

Eva

[Agnes]

Good to hear you’re feeling a bit better, Mike. I’m sorry I couldn’t respond to this thread any sooner, but I think Randy has said it all. Friendships are never the same. And never will a new friendship be a replacement for a friendship lost. That would be neither fair to the friend you lost, nor to the new friend, and most importantly, it wouldn’t be fair to yourself! You have memories of Jerry you will forever treasure and by sharing them, you allow Jerry to still be with you and feel his love for you, even though there probably will always be a tinge of pain when you do.

The life and love of my friends that passed away live on in my heart. Every time I think of something they said, did or how they made me feel, a part of me cringes, but I can smile now (it has taken me years to get there) because still feel the love they gave me, I remember the things we learned and the things we shared. I still love them, Mike, and I’ve talked about them and what they meant to me to about every other friend that has entered my life since they passed away. Now, they mean something to my ‘new’ friends too, because they were (and still are) dear to me.

Big hug to you and keep sharing, my friend!

[aabram]

Mike, friends aren't hard to find. GOOD friends are, but you always know when you have. My best friend is moving back down to Oxford soon. I had lunch with her yesterday, but I also had a fit of the blues because I don't want them to go at ALL, having known her for approximately 29 years. That's all my married life and some of my unmarried life as well. I'm all the better for knowing her, and it looks as though I shall be going back down to England just a LITTLE more often now.... :)

[Rickster]

Mike, I completely understand your feelings towards your best friend. Like many have said in this post, sometimes it takes a while to heal and that time is not the same for everyone. Sometimes the time is longer for some...And sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks. Remember the good times you shared with your friend always in your heart so that they never fade and keep his memory alive! That is the best honor you can give your friend. True friends are very hard to come by. I remember My mother telling me when I was younger...If you can count on one hand, all the true friends thruout your lifetime...consider yourself lucky. God Bless!

Peace