Teenage daughters

[Denise]

:( OK so am I the ONLY mother out there who's 16-yr old daughter thinks is a complete idiot for NOT letting her sleep over her boyfriend's (of 3 months) house last night????????
She went to a party with him & friends last night and is going to HIS birthday party this afternoon with his family. So she asked if she could just spend the night there, ("it's OK with his dad!") since she would be right back there again today. I said "no" and now she is not talking to me and thinks I am SOOOO stupid! "I'm not sleeping WITH him, mom!" "I'm going to be back there again tomorrow!" "Why are you so old-fashioned?" "Do you think I'm stupid?" "I'm not having sex with him - geez!" and so on and so on....
By the way, she IS on birth control 'coz I'll be damned that when that "heat of the moment" arrives, I become a grandmother just yet. And THAT was tough enough to go through. Although my Ob-Gyn told me I was doing the right thing and that I'm a good mom.... oh my.... hate it, hate it, hate it.....
And I know that if they haven't "done it" yet, they are definitely on the verge and could have sex anywhere, anytime, without her sleeping over, but am I ancient in my thinking here? I don't remember being able to sleep over my boyfriend's house at 16, 17....
OMG - having a teenage daughter REALLY sucks right now!!!!!
Someone give me some reassurance here or tell me I'm an idiot! lol!!!

(Of course, this is the mom who just bought the entire "Gidget" TV series on DVD - favorite show when I was 16! oh my - how embarassing really - ha ha.... talk about old-fashioned! :o )

[Agnes]

Denise, even if she thinks you are (to which I don't say I agree), you're not the only one :p My parents sure didn't let me sleep over when I was 16 and though it took me some time, I was quite grateful for it later. So don't doubt yourself, just stick with what you think is right.

[KarenSews2]

I don't know when it became OK to have teenage couples sleep over, but I never allowed it, either. Stick to your guns, Denise!

[Dee]

I said "no" and now she is not talking to me and thinks I am SOOOO stupid! "I'm not sleeping WITH him, mom!" "I'm going to be back there again tomorrow!" "Why are you so old-fashioned?" "Do you think I'm stupid?" "I'm not having sex with him - geez!" and so on and so on....

Denise,

As an objective observer (of 0.0 children), your daughter is wrong about you. You are taking the right stance on this. You're also right in saying if she wants to have sex she will whenever and wherever, however, children need parents first not friend-guardians who cave to their wishes. Or *eeeghads* :eek: their hormones.

She doesn't know it now, but like Agnes says, she will no doubt be glad of it later in life.

[Amy in Vermont]

Hang in there Denise. Your daughter may not be talking to you right now and may think you are an old fashioned fuddy duddy, but in her heart she knows you are right, she just doesn't want to admit it right now!

She will understand and thank you later!

And don't fall for the "don't you trust me" routine.....

A

[AceOn6]

Denise, hang in there. You are doing the right thing. You may not be preventing something from happening, but you did prevent her entire school from having something to talk about tomorrow. If nothing else, you saved her some embarassment from the gossip.

[hoops]

Denise, Right On mom!!! you are the coolest mom cause you really love your daughter enough to say no! I have great respect for you for that alone....someday many many many many years from now when she is talking to her teenaged daughter she will remember your words and use them herself.Great work!
peace
hoops

[Gigglepottomus]

Denise,
My teenage daughter has never asked me yet but if she does my answer will be a definite NO!

I don't think your response is unfair or closed minded. Teenage girls can be such drama queens sometimes don't let that make you second guess yourself.

[Denise]

You all are awesome to care enough to make me feel at least a little better about it all. I guess this is the "tough love" stage .... although THANK GOD it's not more serious .... drugs, alcohol, etc...
I realize things could be a hell of a lot worse but I'm just a bit frazzled right now so thanks for the support...
I have to keep remembering what I felt like at her age.... and how stupid I thought MY mom was as well.... but...it doesn't make it a whole lot easier though, when you've now become "mom"...

[sister rose]

What's wrong with you, Denise??? :confused: You know darn well that your 16 year old daughter knows everything and you know nothing! :rolleyes: (at least that's how she sees it) and when she has children of her own, she will have forgotten all of the everything that she knows now (at least that's how they will see it).....there's something about becoming a parent that makes you all of a sudden stupid when they become teens...stay with what you believe and don't give in to her....she'll only be mad for a few years, then she'll become an adult and finally forgive you. :rolleyes:

My oldest granddaughter will be 11 next month and pre-puberty is making my daughter crazy! (she's already wearing a bra) I sit back and laugh and enjoy it in some sort of sadistic way.......:o

[Oak Kitten]

I don't have children, but having grown up in an essentially anarchic household with 7 siblings, where pretty much anything could and did happen, I can look back and say it sure as heck wasn't all beer and skittles. Your daughter is very lucky to have you for a Mom. Whatever you do, don't abdicate your parental responsibility. YOU set the standards, not MTV or a gaggle of hormone-crazed adolescents.

I ended up joining the Marines at the tender age of seventeen so I could have some order and stability in my life. Not a typical choice for a teen-age girl, but it worked for me.

Oak

[gisli]

Ok I am gonna take the other stand, Denice you are going to hate me after this. I am a man and have this "thing" hanging around my body somewhere between my head and my feet. Sometimes it is said that men think with it. Well I started to sleep over with my girlfriend when I was 16 we where together for 3 years, but I did not loose my boyhood until I was 19. I have always had a strong concious about getting intimite (closer) with the "right person" and trust takes a long time to establish. Maybe your daughter and her boyfriend have the same view?

On another note the question is: When should a parent begin to stand down and let the youngster take responsebility of the lives we gave them? When is the time when we have to stop raising them and start to support them when they run into the same brickwalls that we ran into when we where young?

But Denise, Agnes is right, your daughter may thank you later in life, I have a feeeling you are right.

[Denise]

Oh I don't hate you Gisli...thanks for letting me in on the guy's viewpoint...and I know...gotta let go sometime but I think I fit somewhere in the middle here.
I know parents who are WAY more lenient than me and then there are just as many that don't let their kids do some of the things I've allowed. So I guess it's still all a learning experience for me. Every kid is different and I don't think any teenage book out there has all the answers. So I suppose I need to stick with my gut feelings, bend a little here and there and pray that it'll all work out.
Thank you Gisli....I appreciate any and all views - honest!!!!!!!!!!!!

And ps...there was actually a smile on her face this afternoon!

[sister rose]

Every kid is different and I don't think any teenage book out there has all the answers. So I suppose I need to stick with my gut feelings,

Denise, I think you just gave yourself the best advice possible.....

[lucille]

Was it Mark Twain who said something like:

When I was sixteen I couldn't believe how stupid my parents were.
By the time I was twenty-one I was surprised at how much they had learned.

Deep down your daughter appreciates your rules, but she just doesn't know it yet. I wish I had had more discipline. Because of the lack of it I felt unloved.

[RedjackRyan]

As a self-confessed manwhore (retired... who is comfortable with that name for any who might wish to argue the issue) I will also say you made the right choice, Denise. At that age i chased anything and everything with a pulse, male hormones raging.. Your daughter may not agree with your decision, but she will thank you for it later.


just my nickels worth

[SongDragon]

I was allowed to sleep over at my boyfriend's house after I was sixteen, but that was mostly because he lived so far away and my mother hates driving so much. The first night she ended up sleeping over there also (before he was even my boyfriend). His family sort of viewed it differently, as long as his sister was there to "watch" us (she was actually really cool, a really good friend to both of us) no one worried. We spent weekends together, because there were usually months betweens times we saw each other. Now I'll admit, I was certainly tempted, and I actually thought about it, but as a couple we weren't about to go that far. Embarassment usually keeps sixteen year olds from falling to temptation too early.

I also had ver lenient parents, however. I'll admit that when my boyfriend came with me to any function (ski weekends, etc) run by one of my grandmothers... Let's just say I slept in the cellar and he slept in the attic. Or there were at least six doors and two sets of creaky stairs in between us.

~Song

[Lin]

Denise - After raising three daughters, I can say it's not easy! You did what was right, and it's so hard when they keep coming at you with reasons why they should do what they do, and how stupid and old fashioned you are and that everyone else is doing it. They try to confuse you so you say "Alright go!" It's so hard, I know.

You did good, girlfriend.

Linda

[Rickster]

Denise, I agree with You wholeheartedly. I have a very handsome 15 year old boy...teenagers! They can be a pain in the butt. Every weekend my house is full of his friends...I guess I shouldn't complain though...at least they are at my house and I know where they are. The Girl sleepover thing is different though...I have two boys and if I had a daughter I would do the same thing you did. Enjoy them now :rolleyes:

[Eva]

Difficult decision I guess. I have no kids but what I do know is that setting boundaries and sticking to them is always a good approach. It gives stability. The stability Oak Kitten says she missed in her family. If everything is always allowed kids might get confused by it, I think. Or worse, they might think that their parents don't care where they are and what they do and end up feeling neglected.

I don't think that you staying over or not staying over with a boy at her age is the issue here. I mean, you are not ancient (your words, not mine!), but it was a while ago. Times have changed and so has what it means to be a teenager. What is important is your 'gut feeling'. You know your daughter. Will she be tempted? Will she act on it? Will she be sorry about it afterwards? And what you think is right for her at her age is also important. I mean, is it okay in your eyes to have sex when one is sixteen? Be honest when you answer that question for yourself.

I don't know the answer to your question. I had sex when I was fifteen and didn't like it very much. When I did it again when I was seventeen I had a great time. I am usually a very practical person in these things. If you allow her to stay with him then please give her condoms too. Just in case. She might be on birthcontrol but sex should be safe. There are more dangers out there than pregnancy.

Eva

[Dee]

If you allow her to stay with him then please give her condoms too. Just in case. She might be on birthcontrol but sex should be safe. There are more dangers out there than pregnancy.

That's a very good point Eva. With all the possible STDs one could get, she sure wouldn't want to gamble (like I stupidly did) that she won't end up infected with HIV.

Trust me, when it comes to getting sex, boys will lie.

Don't mean to spook you Denise, but education is the best prevention (for when the time arrives).

[Eva]

Whenever I go on a fun date I take condoms, rubber gloves and dental dams with me. Might look silly to you but I prefer hygiene and health. Although if you gave her a bag filled with all this it would probably kill the excitement of the first time for your daughter, Denise... LOL... Hey, wait a minute! There's an idea... ;)

Eva