Let's write a story again...

[Eva]

You know what I miss? The silly stories we used to write together in the past. Remember the one with the Rudies in a plane, Janis in the cockpit and us trying to save a Rudie with a broken leg in the jungle by throwing chickenlegs out of the plane? :D Maybe it's time for a new one now... Marjan started one a while ago but somehow it never really lead anywhere. I'll try again now. I'll situate it on a Pirate ship. Of course, where else...?

Pirate Queen


It was a sunny day. The fierce 'There Is No Such Thing As Enough Shoes' was sailing with it's crew into unknown territories. Everebody was working hard on board. Agnes was in the kitchen to prepare one of her yummy recepie's. Hoops and Sister_Rose were arguing about the best way to pick a lock. "No no, Sister_Rose! first you flip this little thingy and then you turn it" "No, you're wrong Hoops...!" Margay was practicing her karatekicks. All was as it should be...

The Pirate Queen sneezed: "Aaaaaaatsjooooo!" "Get those bloody kittens away from me..." she mumbled and scratched one of them softly behind it's ear. "Meow!' the kitten said and rubbed it's head against her leg. Then the Pirate Queen walked towards the mast and shouted up to a little dragon in the crows nest: "SongDragon, do you see anything interesting!?" The catsized dragon replied: "No, but I'll fly around a bit to take a better look!"

SongDragon streched out her wings and took off. A small, beautiful, fragile looking dragon. But very dangerous if one would cross her. Her claws shone like silver in the sunlight. Her teeth flickered as she smiled. She loved flying in good weather.

After a while she saw another big vessel nearing. It was Captain Redjack's 'BBQ Porksnout'! The dragon flew over the ship. "Ahoy!", she shouted. DaveM waved back at her. "Good to see you again Song!" Captain Redjack said: "Stay for our BBQ Songdragon. We have enough. Even to feed a dragon." SongDragon would not hear of it: "I am on a mission for the Pirate Queen. I must resume", she stated with an official look on her face. (bless her heart...)

Annie's Dad ran over to greet her and said he saw something odd on the water. "It looks like a bathtub with a lot of moving hair in it", he said. "Can't make out what it is. But it's definately not a coffin". SongDragon flew off to investigate. What she found was Randy from PA, floating in a bathtub at midocean with a sign in his hand wich said 'Stem For Janis' A true fan? Or a raving lunatic??? :eek:

Captain Redjack, always in for some fun ordered his helmsman to turn the ship hard to starboard. The chase was on... Captain Redjack was planning a collision course. :D PA Randy saw the ship coming and...

[Elliott]

and pulled the plug on the tub. I might be taken, he thought, but I'll not be taken whilst in the bath. With two clicks of the cold tap, and one quick turn of the hot, the tub was automatically converted into a one person, nuclear submarine. Randy smiled as the waves began to cover the top of his craft, and he was glad, more now than ever, that he had opted for the time machine upgrade. It was an impulse purchase, and quite expensive, but he was certain that it would be very important on this mission. He had never been so sure of anything before.

[Annie's Dad]

The Pirate Queen, however, was not so impressed or confident. She had seen the "Time Machine Up-Grade," or "Bender" as it was known on the sea, fail miserably, again and again, with disasterous results.

As The Pirate Queen watched intently, she raised her right arm high in the air; a signal for SongDragon to return to the ship. The beautiful Dragon returned to her mistress and said, "He's using a 'Bender,' my Queen."

"Yes, Song, and as you can see, the Porksnout is headed to an empty space where Randy was but a few moments ago."

" 'Tis witchcraft," came the booming voice of RedJack. " 'Tis that little dragon practicing her dark art and having a hearty laugh at me own expense! Before it's over, I'll see her in me microwave!"

Agnes, Margay, Hoops and Sister Rose had joined their leader on deck when they heard RedJack's bellowing.

"What's all this about a witch, my Queen?" Asked Sister Rose.

SongDragon was beginning to feel the same anger that had led her to the Pirate Queen, those many years ago.

""Put me in a microwave, is he? Why, the barnacle had just invited me to eat." The implication of his seemingly friendly invitation finally hit her. Song tightened her grip on the railing. "Why I should rip out his rotting heart and stow the rest in one of Annie's Dad's special 'piked' coffins for the rest of eternity."

"HELP MEEEE!!" Came a distressed voice from the powder room. The small group ran toward the shockingly shrill screams. When they breached the lock and opened the hatch, they were shocked to see.......





Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[hoops]

the cute and tiny UKdave, his little paws couldn't reach the door knob and this happend to be the door that sister rose and hoops had been "practicing on" while sister rose freed the adorable dave hoops was proud to announce to the pirate queen that the randy had purchased his parts for his machine form a 'handler' hoops and rose used from time to time and hoops was sure they craft was far from sea worthy and randy woul;d find out soon that it was far from safe and no where near nuclear. hoops giggled and sister soe joined in when they thought of the sad choice of handlers. they remembered the c2 powered bat craft they'd created and the fun they had falling the many thousands of feet out of the sky...shoddy parts only made it more fun they thought but poor randy would...

[Annie's Dad]

....Find out the hard way.

"Curse this bloody bender," he said as sea water pored in through the riveted seams. The tiny vessel was quickly filling, while RandyPA desparately and veinly tried to open the top hatch. The water was up to his chin, and time was running out quickly. "MOMMY," he cried.

Meanwhile......

"So, it appears we have a wee stow-away," said the Pirate Queen.

DaveUK stared evenly at the crew standing before him.

"If it pleases, my Queen, I be not a foul stow-away. I've been sent to watch over you, your ship and crew by..."

"SILENCE!" Shouted the little dragon. "Dare not to be so arrogant as to address the Queen as familiar."

DaveUK was non-plussed. Suddenly, the quiet was interupted by the loud report of cannon fire.

"I'll deal with you later," said the Pirate Queen as she turned from him. Together, the small group ran to the port side of the ship just in time to see...


Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[hoops]

pork on a flag...it was her dear friend pirate redjack! they'd board ship soon and share a bumper of grog. meanwhile daviduk knew the pirates queens outburst was just a show to keep the folk in line, he knew he was her favorite chihua hua in the world and they would meet later in private with captian redjack to plan the...

[Annie's Dad]

.....return to Ian Island to face the Roodee tribe.

"Avast, ye squid livers. Permission to come aboard, my Queen." Captain RedJack was in rare form today, the Queen thought to herself.

"Permission granted, ye mangy, bag 'o rats!"

As RedJack swung over to the deck, SongDragon took flight suddenly. RedJack had just enough time to cover his face when he felt the sting of razor-sharp talons dig into the backs of his hands.

"Arrrrg, the devil's familiar come to drag me bones down to sail the river Styx forever! Have at ye!!" With that, RedJack drew his cutlass and advanced on the tiny, yet fierce, reptilian beauty.

"Here now, none of that," said the Queen. "We're all friends, now. We have to work together if our scheme is to succeed."

SongDragon looked at the Queen with surprise. "My Queen, how can you befriend this, this, this Ill-mannered, foul-tempered, micro-waver of parrots, kittens and DRAGONS?"

Before she could answer, the coffin-builder's cockatiel, Sunshine, said, ".....





Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Eva]

It was the bag of hair!
It was the bag of hair!

SongDragon looked confused. Agnes went over to her and told her softly: "It wasn't Captain Redjack who has microwaved the parrot. It was Randy from PA. But you know how Randy is always blaming Redjack and sometimes even the Pirate Queen herself. He blamed her for this one. And later Redjack too." SongDragon was even more confused: "But why hasn't anyone told me this before?" Agnes said: "It is a bit traumatic for the Pirate Queen as the parrot, named Farkle, was her best friend. She prefers not to talk about it too much."

DaveM, who had come aboard together with Captain Redjack, was also a bit confused: "But then who is that parrot on the Queen's shoulder named Farkle, then?" Margay replied: "Aha! She is the result of love and science. The Pirate Queen cloned this bird, Farkle The Second, out of the remains of the first one. Together with Agnes they worked on this for a full week in that kitchen. I tell you, I have captured and eaten a lot of BBQ'd fish that week. The kitchen was closed for anything else than the Farkle cloning."

Farkle The Second sat down on the Pirate Queen's shoulder and winked at SongDragon. "Here I am! Here I am!". the parrot said. The Pirate Queen was under the opinion that the painfull subject had been talked about enough and growled: "Back to our plan! I don't want to be remembered as the Parrot Queen, you see!" She petted a cat and opened the door to her quarters: "Follow me Captain Redjack. The chihuahua too! But keep the bloody cats out! And bring us something to drink."

Next to a lit candle the three of them sat down to talk about...

[Annie's Dad]

......their inpending trip to Ian Island.

The Pirate Queen, DavidUK and RedJack took their seats in a dimly lit room, far from inquisitive ears...or so they thought.

Redjack said, "My Queen, one day that lizard of yours will end up on the end of me dirk. And that RandyPA has caused nothing but problems for the likes of us."

"Don't give it another thought," said DavidUK. "She's been put on the straight and narrow and PARandy is.."

"ENOUGH!" The Pirate Queen grabbed a goblet which had been brought in earlier. She took a mighty swig and wiped her mouth with her sleeve.

"Redjack, you and Randy almost spoiled the plan with your fooling around out there. And who gave you leave to fire a cannon round?"

" 'Twasn't me, what popped off, my Queen. It had to be that scurvey Randy with his nuclear Bender. Those bloody things are always getting in me way. Remember.." But he was cut off by DavidUK.

"Aye, we all remember, Redjack. How can we forget throwing chicken legs from the ports of that dratted flying machine when It's all you talk about?"

"Well, nowt matters now. We have to set sail for Ian Island tonight. If we don't get there by the morrow, we'll have Beezel-bub himself to deal with.

Agreed?"

Redjack and DavidUK bowed their heads, signifying that they understood and agreed with their Mistress......and the "ear" just outside the hatch, quickly left.

Up on deck, DaveM, Sister Rose, Margay, Hoops and SongDragon had formed a loose circle and were having a conversation of their own. The coffin-builder, with his 'tiel perched on his shoulder, was happily playing one the "old tunes" from Ian Island on his banjo. Not being the sharpest cutlass in the armory, he spent most of his time contently watching turn-tables and playing with pencils.

SongDragon spoke. "Listen, I think I know what our Queen has in the works." The rest of the small group sat with rapt attention. DaveM, from the Porksnout, was especially interested as RedJack never shared his schemes.

Sister rose said, "Pray, tell us, scaley one." Hoops and Margay shot her a disapproving look. Sister Rose meant no offense by her remark, but felt a pang of guilt, all the same.

"What do they scheme?" Asked DaveM.

SongDragon continued. "I've flown all around this globe and I've seen sights that would frighten even the heartiest of souls. This destination we sail for, Ian Island," She paused, not knowing if she should continue. She took a deep breath and said, "..........





Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

.....is home of the Roodee Tribe. I've had dealings with these "keepers" of the ancient tones, and it wasn't good. The members of this fanatical tribe are the guardians of the sacred "Music of the Souls," and as such, are charged with guarding the island by any and all means, fair or foul. My friends, I'm here to tell you their methods are mostly foul."

The small group sat in silence, waiting for the young, yet much experienced dragon to tell of the horrors that lie ahead.

"Several years ago when I was young, and before I fell in the the Pirate Queen, I happened to find this island by accident. I'd flown much further from shore than my parents wanted me to, but being a teenager, naturally I knew I could do it.

I flew around, marvelling at the sights and sounds of the wonderful blue sea hundreds of feet below me. I was caught up in the rapture of flight and thought myself as Daedelus, who disobeyed his father and flew too close to the sun, and subsequently melted his wax and feather wings.

I thought myself to be above such foolish mistakes; but, I soon found out how wrong I was. For out of nowhere came a violent, wind-packed storm; straight from the bowels of Hades, it was."

SongDragon was too engrossed in telling her tale that she didn't notice the Pirate Queen, DavidUK and RedJack arrive on deck.

RedJack gritted his teeth and said, "You see what I mean, my Queen? Our crews were to know nothin' about this 'till the last moment, and here she is, spillin' 'er guts to all who'd listen. How does this flyin' fish know, anyway?"

"Relax, RedJack," DavidUK said. "She only be tellin' of how her and the Queen came to be mates, is all."

"I'll wager you told her yourself, RedJack!"

Everyone looked around to see who could have said such a disrespectful thing. They could see no one.

Again, the voice boomed, "Admit it, RedJack. Everyone on the Porksnout knows you can't keep a secret." The voice came from nowhere, yet, everywhere.

Suddenly, the faint outline of a coffin, no, bathtub began to form astern. The shape slowly came into focus as the crews from both ships looked on in amazement.

There stood RandyPA next to a half-destroyed Bender. DaveM started laughing, slowly and quietly at first, then an all out guffaw.

"I knew 'twas you, ye bilge-water drinker."

Ignoring DaveM, Randy asked, "Permission to come aboard, My Queen?"

Before the Pirate Queen could answer, Hoops, Margay, Sister Rose and SongDragon simultaineously..........




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[marjan]

... vaporised and found themselves into the boarding dock of Star Gate Atlantis.

Confusion all over the place, it wasn't a planned incoming SG team, so where the heck did these people came from all the sudden. It was a real mistery, but everyone was welcomed after a thourough health check. And then came the hardest part, they were told that the minute they arrived at this place there was no way to back ..

[Annie's Dad]

"Hmmmmm," he thought as he sat at his keyboard. "This segway is gonna be tricky."

The old man clutched at his chest as he staggered into the kitchen. Once there, he leaned his cane against the kitchen island and opened the ice-box to get another beer. He took a long drink and looked at his cane. Leaning on the island. "The Island," he thought to himself.

The pain in the old man's chest was getting worse as he made his way back to the computer key-board. He sat down, lit a cigarette, then concentrated on the screen.

Almost doubled over with pain, and unable to take a deep breath, the old man continued on his mission.

"It's for the Rudies," he said aloud to no one. Slowly, he began to type.



.....-up their queen, unless they could convince Harry Dean Stanton to send them back to their own time and place.

Harry was reluctant to allow them to leave, but after a few well placed kicks from Margay, and a swift talon in the eye from the beautiful, yet deadly SongDragon, he finally agreed to their demands.


Meanwhile, the Pirate Queen, RedJack, and DavidUK were surprised and amazed to see the group vanish and then re-appear before their very eyes.

DaveM and RandyPA had gone below deck to have a drink and remember old times.

"Make haste and strike the main-sails," commanded the Queen. "RedJack, you should go to your friggate now and follow us at a distance. I'll send DaveM back to you on a bosson's bouy when he's good and toasted. I'm going to hang on to RandyPA for awhile. I've plans for him."

"As you wish, my Queen," replied RedJack.


SongDragon glared at RedJack, and as he passed, she bared her sharp fangs for him to see.

"Away with ye, cursed gargoyle!" RedJack quickly returned to his own command to set sail on this, the most important mission of his life.



The Pirate Queen walked toward the stern of the ship and shouted, "Send that imbicile coffin-builder and his wretched shoulder-chicken to my cabin at once."

Once inside the Captain's chambers, the Pirate Queen removed the Sam-Brown and frog that held her cutlass. Tossing the assembly to one side, she lit a lantern, sat down at her huge desk and unrolled a large colorful map. Soon, there was a knock at the hatch.

"Come," she said.

The coffin-builder entered the large room. "You sent for me, your Highness?"

"Yes, have a seat."




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Eva]

Meanwhile PA Randy and DaveM were drinking more than was good for them. But they had fun. They laughed and shared silly stories. After a while DaveM asked PA Randy: "Sssssssso wetsss with*hic* the battttubb?" PA Randy answered: "Yeah! The battthtubb! It's nu... nu... *hic* nuculair!" And then they started laughing again like two brainless hyena's. Agnes saw all this and sighed. "These two won't be good for anything tomorrow... How will we ever accomplish our goal on Ian Island if part of the crew is drunk!?"

Meanwhile on board of the "BBQ Porksnout"...

[Randy & Betty in Pa]

*hic...hic.... burppppp*

[Annie's Dad]

.....RedJack walked to his microwave. "Bloody 'ell! Lean Pockets again! Where's me cabin boy??!!"

Up on deck, the crew had struck the sail, and the pilot plotted the course for Ian Island.

"Southwest heading of 205 degrees, Anji-san," yelled the wheel-man.
"205 it is," the pilot confirmed. "I don't understand why I bothered since we're following the Queen anyway!"

RedJack returned top-side to suss out the situation. He noticed that the coals weren't even lit in the fire-pit yet.

"What are ye waiting for, cook? K. D. Lang will be arriving in her yacht in an hour for supper. Fire up that grill and get them Panda fillets goin' "

Aye, aye, Cap'n," replied the cook.

---------------------------

The Pirate Queen sat in silence as the coffin-builder and his 'tiel examined the chart spread out on the table before them. The pair had been sitting silently for the last ten minutes without saying a word.

Losing her temper, she yelled, "Well??!! What do you think of the plan?"

"I'm almost finished," came the reply.

The queen was annoyed, but the most intelligent member of the crew could not be rushed. She would have to wait. Finally, the answer she was looking for was explained to her.

"You see my Queen, the north shore is somewhat unprotected. If we cause a diversion with, how shall I put it so your primative brain might understand, with a sub-atomic, cell structure that mimics a paraglobular underpass with a sub-arachnoid angulation of a spheenoid wing, we can come ashore virtually un-noticed, and complete our mission sans interuption."

The Pirate Queen looked at the pair. "How do you live with this every day" She asked.

"It's not easy," replied Sunshine, the 'tiel. "But how do you like my plan?"

The coffin-builder smiled and drooled.

-----------------------------

"RandyPA, what're ye gonna do wif yer life affer we gets off Ian Island?"

"I'mma gonna buy ye a new Bender; one that really works, my fren'."

"Thasss whut I figgered, me ol' chum......" BARF!!!!



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Eva]

Despite her catholic background Hoops was cursing out loud. She was furious and held both DaveM and PA Randy by their belts. This way they could hang over the side of the ship and puke. "Stinking drunks! I should let go of them, you know. Both of them. Just let go so they both would fall into the sea. That would sober them up! And it's not like anyone would miss these two. Heck, nobody would even notice if I just kick them overboard!"

Agnes giggled: "I am afraid they would notice now that you have said it this loud." Both PA Randy and DaveM looked kind of greenish. DaveM pleaded: "May I please sit on deck? The sea is wild and turning and... Ay, my stomache..." Hoops thought about it and decided in with a strict voice: "No. Not yet. Just stay there and watch the beautiful sea a little longer."

SongDragon looked at PA Randy. So this was the microwaveguy...? She...

[Annie's Dad]

....laughed until her sides ached.

"And to think this baffoon could get the likes of me or anyone else into an oven."

The Pirate Queen ordered hoops to release the pair who immediately fell to the deck in a heap.

"Send a message to RedJack. Tell him we'll be keepin' DaveM for the rest of the journey. As I said, I've plans for Randy."

Agnes protested. "How shall we send a message, my Queen? SongDragon devoured the carrier pidgeon last night."

"Use semaphore or an Aldis Lamp," replied the Queen.

-----------------------------

"Cap'n RedJack Sir? MS. Lang's arrived and we're ready to serve supper."

"Very well, cabin-boy. I be arrivin' there soon."

The rest of RedJack's crew stood top-side and longed for the fresh panda fillets that would be eaten soon by their Captain and his guest. For the past several days, they existed mostly on warm ballast stones and the occasional rodent. The only thing they caught in the nets nowdays were mermaids, and that was too close to cannabalism.

"ARRRRRG, Ms. Lang! Welcome abord my ship, the 'BBQ PORKSNOUT!' "

Later, when RedJack had awakened from the terrible thump from his guest, he staggered topside and shouted......"


Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Gigglepottomus]

"WHAT THE HELL" as the silence was shattered by a thunderous sound and a cloud of smoke. As the smoke started to clear. There was Chet. Did you really think I would just stand by while you scurvy dogs dined on Panda fillets. in a low voice Randy from PA growled what are you going to do about it you are just one and we are many. Chet casually snaps her fingers and Ochiya and Dee appear swords and muskets drawn. All right Randy in PA start explaining about this Panda meat right now. Just then.....

[Randy & Betty in Pa]

Nope... note me to do the splayning here... its that vile REDJACK... It's he that'll cook anything... Panda's are my friends.... I'se been munchin' on White Castles.....

Quickly turning his back PA Randy goes back to working on attaching the wing accessories to his Bender Bath tub.... I wish the instructions were in English.....

[Annie's Dad]

The old man's pain was getting worse. Slowly, he rose from his chair and made his way to the linen closet where he kept his medications. His wife saw the pain in her husband's eyes and, with her own pain, felt helpless. The old man quickly put a pill under his tongue and felt the tightness in his chest immediately loosen.

"Still writing, honey?"

"Yes, my little nest of vipers. Want to read some? It's actually pretty funny."

"No. O'Rielly just started and we missed it earlier because you just HAD to watch House."

"Well, my little Ebola, I suppose I'll get back to it then."

The old man sat down at his keyboard, lit a crack pipe and took a deep drag.
"Oh, that's the good GROG." 'GROG,' he thought to himself.

He resumed typing.


....RedJack saw the Aldis lamp message from the Pirate queen's ship.

"Mother of Hugh Laurie," he exclaimed. "DaveM and RandyPA are still on her vessel! How in the name of Sean Hannity can that be??!!"

RedJack looked on unbelieving, as Dee and Ochiya battled with DaveM and RandyPA, just as plain as day.

"Tis the work of that heathen Dragon, it is!! I'm havin' the 'visions' because she thinks I microwave parrots, kittens and dragons. Curse ye Randy for blamin' me fer yer ill deeds! And curse ye SongDragon for repayin' me kindness with yer witchy ways."

With that, the 'visions' vanished and he was in his quarters, alone.

"WAYYYY too much grog, old mate," he said to no-one in particular.

------------------------------------------------

SongDragon had gathered her crewmates around the main mast. It was a pitch-dark night at sea and the glow of a single lantern gave each person an eerie, soft glow.

"The storm came straight from Hades. Rain so hard, the drops dented my scales. The wind blew with such force that it took me miles out to sea; way too far to ever find my way back.

I was getting tired and sleepy and thought that this would be the end of a very hard-headed young dragon....." Her voice trailed off and she stared at the dim light.

Hoops and Agnes looked at her, expecting more; then looked at Margay and Sister Rose. There was nothing, until they heard footsteps behind them. Quickly, they turned.

"Der, der, der, der..."

It was the coffin-builder, wandering aimlessly with his bird perched on his shoulder. He gaped at the group vapidly.

"Der...g'night," he said.

"Squawk, pretty bird," said Sunshine.

SongDragon stood and stretched her magnificent wings.

"I'm tired," she said. "Lets continue this on the morrow."

"I think that's a good idea," said Hoops.

The small group stood and turned to see.........



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[DaveM]

DaveM, with a reasonable set of sea-legs, rising from below with a glint in his eye. "I poured the grog into the parrot while no one was looking. Well, the parrot and the shoe-tree. Now, just what's in store when we reach the island?"

He was immediately pelted with shoes by the Pirate Queen and several parrot-lovers as well, though Randy had a more practical suggestion. "If we tie the shoes together, they should make a raft that will take us back to the ship. If only we could signal Songdragon to carry a message that we were comin'. An' I see a twinkle in Sister Rose's eye....who it's for, nobody knows....and no one will know unless we take to the water."

Just then the sound system fired up with Jimmy Buffet's "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and the ship lurched to one side, making it clear that Captain Morgan was at the helm in spirit if not necessarily in body. Randy surveyed the swells and the faint light that was the lantern at the top of the "J. Eddy Fink's Revenge" and said....

[Eva]

Sunshine giggled: "This is become more and more confusing..."
"Der... Der... Der...", replied the coffinbuilder

[Annie's Dad]

"......That's impossible! She's Not left the Island for several years. RedJack scuttled her flagship in the north bay. I seen it meself with me own eyes!"

But sure enough, there was the pride of Ian Island, the "J. Eddy Fink's Revenge."

DaveM took out his glass and had a closer look at the vessel. Through his telescope, he could discern not a single deck-hand or any other tell-tale signs of life.

He slowly lowered his spyglass, all colour gone from his face.

"Ghostship," he whispered.

-----------------------------------------------------

On the "BBQ Porksnout," RedJack examined the small, glass bottle that was given to him by his cabin boy only a few moments before. The bottle itself was small, less than an inch long, and nondescript, save the paper lable that read, "Ketamine."

"Arrr! Ye says ye found this next to me grog stash last night, does ye?"

"Aye, Cap'n," came the quivering reply.

"Someone be playin' me for a fool, now. When I find out who be the mutanist dog, I'll make him eat his own lips, then feed him to the parrots mixed with the cuttlefish. I be goin' topside now, lad. Fetch me spyglass."

On deck, RedJack looked trough his glass and saw the "Fink's Revenge" following silently at a distance.

The sun was just starting to peek over the horizon, and ahead of the floatilla, he could just make out the lush greenery and gentle hills of Ian Island.

--------------------------------------------

"Do you think RedJack's seen The "Fink's Revenge," yet," asked RandyPA.

"Aye, mate," replied DaveM. "He's on deck now with his glass. Here, have a peek."

RandyPA took the monoccular and gazed in the direction of the Porksnout.

"Look at him. It's his fault we're on this insane adventure. Definately, REDJACK'S FAULT."

---------------------------

The small floatilla was only a few miles away from the north bay of Ian Island. Everyone knew now that a ghostship, and probably ghost crewmen were watching their every move. The path ahead would be challenging, and frought with danger, deciet, and betrayal.

What lay in store for the Pirate Queen and her crew? And what about RedJack? Will the Roodee's have their revenge for his scuttling of the original "Fink's Revenge?" Will SongDragon finally come clean about her previous encounters with the most foul "Roodees?" And what will become of DaveM and his faulty Bender? Will RandyPA make good on his word to buy him a new one? Finally, what about the coffin-builder and his "shoulder-chicken?" Is he really an idiot?

"Der, der, der."

OK, that's not really in question. But what about the 'tiel?

Is she really the most intelligent crewmember aboard the Pirate Queen's ship?

"Of course I am, you ninny-hammer! Look around you!"

Find out the answer to these and other questions in our next installment.



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

The old man sat at his computer listening to Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. It had been quite a while since he'd heard it, and to him, it sounded just as good as he remembered. As he sat, his wife entered the small office with yet another complicated form for him to sign. It seemed that these forms were becoming more and more frequent these days. Absently, he took the form, signed it and gave it back to her. The old man wasn't sure, but he briefly thought that the paper had "Paid Cadaver Release form" and a KU Medical School logo on it.

"Oh, well," he thought as he placed ten or twelve Miltowns in his mouth and washed them all down with a goblet-full of 27 year old Glenroths single malt.

Again, he entered the zone and began punching away on the keyboard.



Part Two

On the shore of the north bay on Ian Island, a few members of the Roodee Tribe were watching two ships approaching. AAbram, Gisli, and Oak Kitten stood just within the greenery and out of sight as they watched.

"Do you think it's the "Scaley One" returning to seek revenge," asked aabram.

"If so, the ghost ship should be enough to send her back to the Middle Earth. Besides, she was left for dead last time," said Oak Kitten.

Gisli chimed in, "Remember when she arrived here? She was obviously seeking what only we, the Roodees, have. I'll wager that we taught her a not-soon-forgotten lesson."

"Whatever the case may be, we must watch to see what the "Pig Flagged" ship and the lead ship are up to," said Oak Kitten.

-----------------------------------------

SongDragon was getting nervous. She looked at the Island with trepidation because the last time she'd been here, she almost didn't survive the ordeal.

"Re-living old memories," asked the Pirate Queen who had come from behind.

"Yes, my Queen," the small dragon said. "When you found me there, I was close to meeting my maker. It's a good thing you saw my fire on the beach when you did. My Queen, you never did tell me how you came to be on the Island when you were."

Before the Pirate Queen could respond, they heard a hail from RedJack's ship.

"Ahoy, there, good crew of the Queen's ship! Land HO!!"

"Ya know, That watchman of RedJack's should go on Jeopardy. I can see it now. 'And your catagory today watchman is....THE BLOODY OBVIOUS!' "

Song laughed and then quickly........



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[hoops]

in the meanwhile sister rose and hoops we in the belly of the big ship giggling together and taking turns looking out of a small hole in the wood at the supposed ghost ship "J eddyFink's Revenge". laughing like drunken sailors tho they hadn't had a drop. finally one spoke to the other "remote control ships. don't ya just love em!?" and they both roared with laughter again. "and they.hee hee, they think,,,omg i can't even...hahahahah, they think it's Haunted! baaaaaaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.!!! by the way randy still thinks his bathtub is nuclear! hahahahahahahahah!!!" that has to be our best one yet!'
'Sister, sister, giggle hee hee, sister we have to tell the queen hahahaha, about the remote control.'

'hahaha yes hoops, giggle, you're right tee hee, wwe have to tell her, giggle, and redjack too"
'Yep we gotta it's only right'
"yes ma'am and right is what we're about"
the two stood up and saluted each other let out one more belly laugh and went out to find the queen and her crew.
Their Queen saw them coming tho and with raised brow said"The two of you....

[Annie's Dad]

"......are going ashore to reconoiter a safe landing area for the long-boats. You've both been in your quarters, so you probably haven't seen the ghost ship that's been trailing us all night."

Hoops and Sister Rose looked furtively at each other, then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

"We are NOT amused," said the Queen.

"My queen," sister Rose began, "That ship is....is....is..." her voice trailed off as she stared out into the water, her eyes as big as saucers.

Sister Rose elbowed Hoops in the ribs and whispered, "THAT'S not ours!"

Hoops followed her gaze and immediately felt sick.

"ALL HANDS STAND BY FOR IMPACT!!!!!" Yelled the Pirate Queen.

The "ghost ship" had changed course and was only a few meters away from a full-side ram, easily doing 20 knots.

All hands that were top-side, including Hoops, Sister Rose and the Queen herself, grabbed hold of the nearest rails; all except the coffin-builder. He was busy playing another of the "old tunes" on his ever present banjo and totally distracted from the imminent danger.

"Der, der, der," He said.

Everyone on deck braced themselves for the impact and just before the ghost ship collided with them, they all closed their eyes..........and waited. And waited some more.

Finally, the Queen opened one eye for a quick peek.

She saw absolutely nothing, as did the others when they opened their own eyes.

"What the..............



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[DaveM]

"....hell did I do to deserve this? Peter Pirate Plucked The Pick of Pickled Parrots, indeed! This calls for boots with sharper heels!"

[Annie's Dad]

She awakened with a start. There was no alarm clock or servant to jolt her out of the first peaceful slumber she'd had in weeks, only a deep seeded feeling that something wasn't right. It permeated her dreams, and now that she was awake, the feeling was even stronger.

Slowly and quietly, she sat up on the edge of the bed and looked out of the side window. The sun was only a few degrees above the horizon and already she could tell that the temperature would be in the mid-90's before the day ended.

As she put on her robe, she could smell the rich scent of freshly brewed coffee coming from the kitchen.

"Today will be the day," she said aloud.

-----------------------------------------

The Pirate Queen had gathered the entire crew topside to coordinate the beach landing that would be happening in the next few hours. Captain RedJackRyan had boarded the Queen's flagship only a few minutes before and had a bumper of ale by his side for his version of breakfast.

"Today, we will land on the north shore of Ian Island by way of long-boats," said the Pirate Queen.

"My trusted advisor has worked out a strategy to gain us access to the Island without resistance. Shortly after we launch the long-boats, SongDragon will fly over the beach and drop a brass chalise containing a distracting, paraglop of something or other that has been prepared for this mission.

Captain RedJack's crew will meet up with us near the skull-shaped rock, just inside the wooded area. From there, we will go to the walled village of the Roodee Tribe. As you all know, these people are fierce and will protect their
treasure at all costs, right down to the last percussionist.

Be warned now, me hearties, these roodees will hit you with everything they have incuding disco music, mandolin picks, wide lapels, mannequins and maybe even science fiction stories. You must stay strong and expect the unexpected."

Captain RedJack stood and said, "Arrr. What about yer Idiot coffin-builder and his stupid buzzard? Are they to come along and get in me way?"

"RedJack, you leave him and RandyPA to me for sortin' out. I've plans fer them."

"Aye, my Queen. And what sort of plans might they be?"

The Pirate Queen walked quickly to RedJack and got within inches of his face and said........"




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

".....Oh, bugger!!"


Meanwhile, in a private villa on Ian Island........

The woman had showered and dressed and was drinking a second mug of coffee when he suddenly appeared. She had no idea how he'd breached her security or gained access to her villa, but there he stood.

"I've news for you, M'Lady," he said. "It's to happen today, in the next few hours."

"I know," she said. "I've known it was coming, I just wasn't sure when until this morning; I had a dream."

"I have the details of their plan, M'Lady. I heard them, first-hand."

She looked astounded. "You were able to get that close to the Pirate Queen and RedJack?"

"Yes, M'Lady. They've planned a disruption using a sub-atomic particle that mimics a para-globular underpass with a sub-arachnoid angulation at the spheenoid wing."

She closed her eyes for a moment, then said, "so, they plan to send SongDragon to drop a chalise full of steaming hot cocoa on Oak Kitten, Gisli, and aabram, then, while the three are rushing to find some cold water, they are to meet up with RedJack and his crew at the skull-shaped rock, and casually walk to the village gates, knock, and enter to claim as their own what we enjoy here everyday. Is that correct?"

"Yes....uh...yes. That's it exactly, M' Lady. But, how did you...."

She interupted him. "Well, you have to know these things when you're me, you know! Get back to the ship. We have to prepare."

-------------------------------------------------------

PART THREE: Payback, this time it's fantasy!


By the time SongDragon had done her job and scattered the three Roodee look-outs, The Pirate Queen, RedJack and their collective crews had gather at the skull-shaped rock. There, the two leaders made their final preparations.

"DaveM," snarled RedJack. "Have ye repaired that bath-tub Bender of yours?"

"No, M' Lord," came the reply. "But RandyPA has made good on his word and aquired another one for me; a right proper one this time."

" 'Twas YOUR fault in first place, RedJack," shouted RandyPA. "If ye'd gone to a real retailer instead of them two charletans on the Queen's crew,......"

"Shut it!! Both of ye," said the Queen. "We've much to do, let's get on with it."

Slowly and carefully, the leaders and crews walked through the thick greenery.

The Queen signalled for all to halt.

"Where's the idiot," she asked.

"He's gone off ahead of us, my Queen," SongDragon answered. "Him and that pteradactyl of his. Draggin' 'is stupid banjo, too. Bloomin', droolin' half-wit."

"OH, MULE-MUFFINS," said the Pirate Queen. "OK, what's done is done. On to plan B. Where's DaveM and his Bender?"

"Over here, ready for your order, my Queen."

"Aye, grand," she replied. "Get on with your part, then"

"Okely, dokely." With that, DaveM closed the hatch on his new Bender and fired it up. Within a second, he and the Bender vanished.

"Good, good," said RedJack. "All is goin' as planned, save for your brainless coffin-builder."


The group saw that they were only a few meters away from the village gates. There were two Roodee's standing watch.

DavidUK said, "Now, it's my turn."

The clever and talented David walked right up to the gate and began to speak with the first guard.

" 'Ello, me friend. I be Arlo Guthrie and I have a special message for your mistress. May I enter?"

The guard was taken aback. "Arlo Guthrie," he exclaimed. "Wow! This is so cool! I absolutely LOVE 'Alice's Restaraunt.' "

DavidUK shuffled his feet and said, "Uh, yeah, right. Alice's Restaraunt.
Thanks. Now, may I see your mistress?"

The guard said, "Mr. Guthrie, is Terry A La Berry a man or a woman. I could never tell when I saw your concert live. Helluva great drummer, though."

"Uh," DavidUK stammered. "I'm not really sure meself. May I see your mistress, PLEASE?"

"Ya know, Mr. Guthrie, the movie was totally miscast. I think Kim Darby woulda been perfect to play Alice, and John Wayne should've been Ray. That annoying little dog from Petticoat Junction coulda been Fatcha, the dog. Hey, Mr. Guthrie, did you ever see True Grit? That's like my favorite movie!"

DavidUK grabbed the guard by his wide, polyester lapels and said, "Look, you moron, I need to talk with your mistress RIGHT NOW! And if you continue to call me "MR. GUTHRIE," I'm gonna have to "BELT YOU!"

"OK, ok, dood. Go on in. Hey, Mr. Guthrie? Whatja think of that Kung Fu guy playin..."

But DavidUK was thankfully out of earshot by then.

-------------------------------



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[DaveM]

Redjack was sweating. "I hope we glued that wig on tight enough....this humidity....ok, we're going to need a Pete Seeger. Anyone know where the Saxman is? We've got a banjo handy, at least."

The gathered horde looked around at the surrounding jungle, then at each other. Finally, everyone shrugged.

"Surely you don't think I can pull it off!" Redjack rasped, "I need volunteers. And we need that Bender back, dangit."

A whisper arose from someone hidden in the shadows. "I am afeared," said the voice, "we forgot to warn David about....Pat...."

[Annie's Dad]

".......Oh, it don't matter, anyway," said SongDragon. "That blithering lack of grey matter and his mange-ridden shoulder-pooper took the bloody tickle-box with 'em."

Just then, DaveM reappeared in the Bender.

He was quite a sight when he climbed out. Hair in disarray, bloody cuts and bruises.

"Good Lord, man. What happened in there," asked RandyPA.

The half-insane DaveM took a long pause and said, "It were TERRIBLE!! I arrived in the villa as planned, waiting for DavidUK to show up, and then.....Oh, GAWD!! It was awful!! I don't want to talk about it!!"

"Well, that's just ducky," said the Pirate Queen. "Now what?"

RedJack walked over to the Bender. "I'll do it meself, By gourd!! That woman-monster Pat is just a bloody lawyer. I've nary met a lawyer I couldn't handle. Besides, DavidUK is probably in there by now and needs me help. Gimme that contract, I've work to do."

RedJack and the Bender vanished quickly.

"So far, so good," thought davidUK. He made his way to the private villa's front porch.

"Arlo! Hey, Arlo!"

DavidUK turned to see who was yelling after him. He felt his bowels turn to water when he saw the gate-guard running up to him.

"Oh, bloody 'ell."




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

Not to be out-done by some half-insane, upstart hack writer, the old man refilled his wine glass and brushed the poop off his shoulder. He held up his hand, and Sunshine stepped onto his index finger.

"Little girl," he said, "why do you think you have the right to poop on me?"

"I'll poop where I darn well please! Now, keep writing, dim-wit," said Sunshine.







As the guard got closer, DavidUK could see that he had an autograph book.

"Good, the simpleton only wants an autograph," he said to himself.

"Arlo! I'm glad I caught you. Can I have....."

"Yeah, sure. No problem," replied DaveUK. He took the small book out of the guard's hand. "Who should I make this out to?"

The guard stood there for a moment and said, "No, you don't understand. I don't want your autograph. I want to give you this song I wrote so you can record it. Don't worry, I only want 45% of gross sales; and we have a lawyer right here who can draw up an ascap contract right now!"

DavidUK looked at the guard and said, "Ya know, me hearty, I thinks Pete Seeger might do better justice for ye!" And with that statement, DavidUK entered the villa; Where he came face-to-face with the woman with the short, curly hair. Behind her stood Pat.






Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[diver_boy]

"Lord, ya'll crazy", exclaimed diver_boy.

[Annie's Dad]

"What's the bloody hold-up," asked the Pirate Queen. "RedJackRyan should've been in there with the contract by now."

Hoops, Agnes, RandyPA, Margay and Sister Rose were now joined by the three beach look-outs, aabram, Gisli, Oak Kitten and a RooDee prisoner known only as Diver-Boy. SongDragon had gone toward the village, with the half-insane DaveM as her guide. Together, they distracted the remaining guard and gained entry.

SongDragon flew back quickly to tell the Pirate Queen that all was clear for their entry. "Follow me," said the Queen, and the remaining crew-members of both ships did just that.

---------------------------------------

To say that Pat was intimidating would be an understatement, as DavidUK was finding out for himself. She had successfully driven DaveM over the brink and wasn't even trying. Now, the man known as Arlo stood before her, shaking and stammering.

DavidUK stood in front of them both wondering how he would escape. He suddenly turned and started to run, but tripped over a large object that wasn't there when he arrived just seconds before.

He looked up from the floor and recognised the object immediately.


Pat broke the silence, "Well, I see your rag-tag group finally went to a real Bender dealer. I hope you got all the options."

The top hatch of the Bender opened and RedJack slowly climbed out.

"I don't know much about the options, lawyer, but I know I have a signed contract for a Living Room Concert! Aye, that's right! Me friends and crew have been waiting three long days for you to finish your tour; and now, we're here to collect what's rightfully ours."

"RedJack," said the woman with the short, curly hair, "did you and the Pirate Queen think we'd forget about you?"

"Beggin' your pardon, Ms....OH, NOOOOOO!!!"

But it was too late. She belted him.

-----------------------------------

EPILOGUE: The LRC



Within an hour, the crew from both ships and the native RooDee's were seated comfortably, listening to the beautiful music.

Janis performed all her classics as well as some new work, and all the Roodees joined in singing her wonderful songs.

After Janis returned to the floor for an encore, everyone noticed the coffin-builder with his cockatiel join her on stage. He carried his trusty banjo and together they performed "My Autobiography." Sunshine, the 'Tiel joined in when Janis did an un-plugged version of Fly Too High.

The Pirate Queen shouted to the coffin-builder, "How in the world did you.."

His answer cut her off.


"I may be an idiot, but I'm no fool!!"




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[DaveM]

"You know," said David/Arlo, "we got a sayin; about songs where I come from. They got copyrights registered in Washington, D.C, You-Nited States Of America.....and anybody who's caught playin' or singin' or recordin' 'em will be a good friend of mine, 'cuz that's what I wrote 'em for in the first place."

"An' as far as lawyers go, well.....my dad wrote that song about the Philadelphia lawyer and that's always been my feelin' as well...." he trailed off as the Dynamic Duo approached. "say miss....that's a mighty fine cape you got, and those sure are mighty fine boots. An' I'm thinkin' just now of something else my father always used to say when he come face to face with a lawyer:"

"'You got a bathroom around here?'"

[hoops]

charletans...he called us charletans... hoops and sister rose where shocked to the core of their peaceful, well-meaning, silly beings. never in their lives...ah well, nothing to ruffle a good parrot feather over, besides there are always more projects to be finished and more dreams to be made real. hoops gives sister rose a hearty pat on the back and they head off to a white elephant sale they'd heard of on the breeze...there has been this cool bus idea with a hover craft kinds feel to it that they've been talking about and this sale is supposed to have a lot of...

[Annie's Dad]

"......panda fillets on a stick in the food court. We just can't miss that."

Sister Rose nodded her approval and soon, the two of them were using a navagational instrument provided by some grad student out of Nottingham University in exchange for their opinion.

-----------------------------

It had been almost a year since the adventure on Ian Island, and DaveM was still half-insane from his encounter with Pat, the "Lawyer-Monster." Oh, he'd been to many therapists, but it seemed that he was destined to remain the same until another equally intense encounter. It was said by the doctors that only another traumatic event could jolt his system and bring him back.

Since that diagnosis, all his fellow Rudies had done their best to keep him traumatised as much of the time as possible in hopes that one them would hit the jack-pot and bring him back to normal.

And they tried EVERYTHING!

Hoops and Sister Rose teamed up with RandyPA and RedJackRyan to come up with a plan.

The newly formed team decided to...........



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[DaveM]

.....give him Prozac, the damned fools, not realizing that it's down to keep a hard man good. And of course it failed, as he cheeked the stuff and saved it just in case he had another encounter with a lawyer.

What next, me lads? 'slong as it's not me that ends up on a stick, I'm ready for anything. Just don't put me back in that blender, er, bender.

[Annie's Dad]

.....give him Prozac, the damned fools, not realizing that it's down to keep a hard man good. And of course it failed, as he cheeked the stuff and saved it just in case he had another encounter with a lawyer.

What next, me lads? 'slong as it's not me that ends up on a stick, I'm ready for anything. Just don't put me back in that blender, er, bender.


Sadly, the newly formed group had to resort to their last, and by far, most radical idea if they were to help their friend.

---------------------------------------

On the very top of Baricur Mountain, in a small, yet quaintly furnished room, Janis and her back-ups sat in front of a small group of towns-folk.

The Carpathian Mountains were very cold this time of year, so she decided to sit a bit closer to the fire-place. These old castles were very drafty and the fire offered little relief. Since her arrival at Transyvania International Airport the day before, she'd wondered why she decided to accept a Living Room Concert at this particular castle; the ancestoral home of Vlad Dracul. There was some solice, however. Pat, the "Lawyer Monster," had agreed to come along this time.

It was eight o'clock now, and she decided to get started. She reviewed the requested song list and noticed that the primary on the contract had listed 40requests, and while she enjoyed bringing smiles to people's faces, she knew it would be a long evening, followed by a long carriage ride back to the hotel in the village.

She took a deep breath and glanced over to Pat, who smiled sweetly and blew her a kiss. Janis smiled back and began to play.

--------------------------------

Sister Rose, Hoops, RedJackRyan and RandyPA sat at the little table outside the coffee shop. The Pirate Queen arrived just in time to hear Hoops say,...."




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

".......We have to set sail for Transylvania."

The rest of the group looked at her as if she pulled a pit-bull out of her nose.

"How can we 'sail' to Transylvania," asked RedJack.

"Lighten up. It's just an expression. Look, poor half-insane DaveM can only be restored with an equally traumatic experience, right?"

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"So, what could be more traumatic than another encounter with... The Lawyer-Monster?"

Sister Rose said, "That's a good idea, Hoops, but why can't we just find a lawyer right here?"

RandyPA said, "Because, it's close to Halloween and finding a lawyer here would screw up the story line. It MUST be Transylvania. Janis is doing an LRC there in the castle, Vlad Dracul, then she and Pat will sightsee for the next few days. If we hurry, we can get DaveM there in time to punch up this tale."

"So it's settled," said The Pirate Queen. "We travels to Castle Dracul, find Pat, the Lawyer-Monster and traumatize DaveM back into his old self."

"RIGHT!!" they all said.

------------------------------------------


Later, aboard the "BBQ PORKSNOUT," RedJackRyan and the Pirate Queen were getting ready to set sail. On board with them were the regular crew from the last adventure on Ian Island.

"Is DaveM properly restrained and stowed," asked RedJack.

"Aye, Cap'n, he be," replied..............



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[hoops]

but what the poor lad didn't realize would hurt him in the end, as tho sister rose and hoops loved cap'n redjack and randy like brothers they were vegetarian and didn't care for pork on a stick much less panda kibobs. they were also genious when it came to all things in motion. they didn't brag so how would he know? but the cap'n, randy and the mighty queen knew well and thereby trusted them with their lives, as was only right, all life was safe in their hands, tho maybe not always their vehicles. but then that was only because they never could decide who was driving and who's glasses were who's, but then...

[Annie's Dad]

"........RedJack looked at the Pirate Queen and said, "Ya knows, maybe we should take that multi-passenger Bender that them two invented," pointing at Sister Rose and Hoops.

From below deck came the loud, and frantic screams of DaveM who had heard them talking about Benders.

NO!! NO!! NO BENDERS. PLEASE, NO BENDERS!!!

"Well," said the Pirate Queen. "I guess using a Bender is out of the question."

The group sat on deck, trying to decide how best to get to the enchanted Carpathian Mountains before Janice and Pat, the Lawyer-Monster finished their trip. Sailing would clearly be too slow.

"Undo the lunatic," commanded RedJack. "Bring 'em top-side. I haves me a scheme."

"Aye, aye Cap'n."

"What's yer plan, RedJack," asked the Pirate Queen. "I sure hope yer not thinkin' about..... RedJack, NO!!"

"Aye, me Queen. We be takin' the dratted flyin' machine!"

"Oh, dolphins on toast!" Exclaimed RandyPA. "Remember last time?"

"Allright, me mates. Bring up DaveM and let's get to the flyin' field," said RedJack.

The Pirate Queen grabbed Hoops and said, "...............




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

"......Hoops, I hope you or Sister Rose can fly that bloody thing."

"No, my Queen. All we do is invent or repair all things mechanical. We be jeenyuses at that."

"RedJack," Yelled the Pirate Queen, "Who do ye have in mind to fly the infernal contraption? As I remembers, when we was flyin' over the jungle, throwin' chicken legs out the ports to rescue that Rudie, it were Janis herself in the driver's seat."

RedJackRyan stared blankly as he rubbed his chin. "I seems to remember that they's two other flyin' mates among the Rudies. If I recalls correctly, one of em is Elliot."

RandyPA said, "OK, that's one, but this flight will be long. We need one more to act as co-captain. Who's the other flyer?"

Suddenly, it dawned on the Pirate Queen as she remembered a short conversation with the most intelligent member of her crew.

"I knows who it be. Ye aren't gonna like it."

One by one, the crew-members of both RedJackRyan and The Pirate Queen remembered who the othe flying Rudie was, and one by one, they looked to the bow of the Porksnout.

"Der, der, der," said the coffin-builder. "SquawwwwK!" Said Sunshine.

RedJacRyan rolled his eyes. "So, yer idiot coffin-builder and his dopey flyin' rat are gonna get us safely to Transylvania?"

"Well," began the Pirate Queen, "It makes sense. He's the only one stupid enough to do it for a living."

"Der, der, der," drooled the coffin-builder.

"Oh, goat-gifts," whispered Sunshine in the coffin-builder's ear. "Get rid of the guitar and banjo, old son. We're goin' back to work!"

----------------------------

Later, at the flying field, SongDragon had a quick once-over flight of the aging aircraft that had been built years ago by Hoops and Sister Rose. She landed next to the Pirate Queen.

"How does it look to you," Asked the Queen.

"The machine looks OK, I'm just concerned about trusting our lives to that imbecile and his supper-on-the-wing," replied Song.

"Don't worry. I'll be there to make sure everything's ok," said Elliot.

RedJackRyan called out, "Get DaveM on board and let's get this adventure started."

RandyPa said, "But, what about.........




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

".....all these bloody scorpion spiders? Look at 'em all; just sittin' around in their leather jackets, doin' nothin' but smokin' Camels, chuggin' grog and scarin' the crew."

Margay and SongDragon stepped up. "Beggin' yer pardon Cap'n," said Margay, "But me and SongDragon can take care of 'em for ye."

With that, the two of them started............

[Annie's Dad]

".......to throw the hellish beasts into RedJack's brand new deep-fat fryer. RedJack was proud of his new fryer since RandyPA had given it to him, and he was anxious to try it out.

"Burn, ye devils," said RedJack. "Randy, let's get some cocktail sauce. I've heard these things taste just like king-crab."

Randy and RedJack feasted on the bullying creatures, and when a government toadie came by to tell them they shouldn't be eating such high-fat foods, they took great pleasure in..........



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[hoops]

voting against him and having him concede to the victor, some broad with a lot to say about most things, and anything she didn't talk about wasn't worth listening to anyway, or so she thought, still in all, they were happy the fry guy got burned and the coctail sauce got...

[Annie's Dad]

.......all used up before they boarded because the TSA would no longer allow liquids aboard aircraft.

"Hurry, everyone," shouted Elliot. "We have a non-stop, 16 hour flight ahead of us."

Everyone boarded the old airplane and buckled themselves in.

Elliot expertly fired up all four engines, then told the coffin-builder to file an IFR flight-plan. The coffin-builder dialed in the frequency and said, "Der, der, der, der. Over!"

As soon as they were airborn, Elliot turned off the seatbelt sign, and everyone relaxed.

The Pirate Queen was sitting next to RedJack, planning their strategy once they landed. Hoops and Sister Rose where acting as flight engineers by watching system guages, and RandyPA was conversing with Oak Kitten about the history of the Navy and Marine Corps.

---------------------------------

Once on the ground at Transylvania International Airport, the tired and cranky crew decided the first thing to do would be........



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[sister rose]

...to lock up the plane to keep sister rose and hoops from 'joy riding...er....flying' while they were inside. Once the plance was secured tightly, the crew set off to find the castle while a sneaky looking hoops and sister rose trailed behind. hoops was hold something in her hand and showing it to rose.
:eek: "hoops! You're a genius! That's the key to......

[Annie's Dad]

".........My heart!:p Now, what do ya say we pick the lock on this thing and take it for a spin?"

Suddenly, they both realised that after a 16 hour flight, that was the last thing they wanted to do. Reluctantly, they walked toward the bus to join the others.

--------------------------------------

Janis and Pat, the Lawyer-Monster, had finished the LRC in Castle Vlad Dracul, endured the long and bumpy ride back to their hotel room in the village, and finally got a good nights sleep. The next morning, they awakened to a beautiful sunrise breakfst on the private balcony.

Janis took a sip of her tomato juice, squinted and asked, "Pat, is it just me or did that audience last night seem,..... well,.... Kinda dead?"

Pat, the Lawyer-Monster looked up from the local newspaper she'd been reading, "Ya know, you're right. They did seem less than animated. The were polite enough, but there was something odd about them. Did you notice that none of them ate or drank anything?"

Janis put down her glass and looked suspiciously at the kippers on her plate. "Yeah, I did notice that, but it's not just last night. There's something about this whole village and the people in it that has me nervous. For instance, what's with the garlic around the windows and door to our room? And, what about that coach driver last night? Did you think it was wierd that he had a pet bat perched on his shoulder like some kind of Goth Pirate?"

They both sat for a moment, not saying anything, but wondering what they had gotten themselves into. After all, this was Transylvania; home to the notorious Vlad Tepis, son of Dracul, the "Dragon."

In this, his home. he wass known as a ntional hero, but to the rest of the world, he was simply, Son of the Dragon or Vlad Dracula, the Impaler. And they'd been in his residence just a few hours before.

------------------------------------

The group of Pirates had rented a bus to be driven by Sister Rose. The bus was there and waiting; Sister Rose and Hoops were not.

"Where the devil can they be," asked RedJack, somewhat irritated. "We got to make way to the Inn and get some grub before we have a mutiny on our hands,"

The Pirate Queen agreed. "SongDragon, go get a view of the area and see if you can spot them."

"Aye, my Queen."

The beautiful little dragon took to the air and surveyed the area. She marvaled at the beauty of the Carpathian Mountains just a few kilometers away. Suddenly, she spotted Hoops and Sister rose below. They were headed toward the bus when Song saw.........




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

......Janis and Pat, the Lawyer-Monster riding rented bicycles. They were approaching their hotel and were eager to try a specially prepared lunch of deep-fried scorpion spiders topped with local Feta cheese with a crisp, green salad and ice cold lager.

SongDragon remained aloft and saw that the bus was only a few hundred meters away from the hotel. She realised that the Inn that RedJack had booked was the same one Janis and Pat were in.

The bus pulled up to the hotel and the crew piled out. SongDragon spotted the Pirate Queen and alighted next to her.

"My Queen," she began, "Janis and Pat, the Lawyer-Monster are residing here. We won't have to spend too much time looking for her now."

"What's that ye say," asked RedJack, "The Legal Monster of me fears is here?"

"Now, RedJack, don't go frettin' over what happened over a year ago. It weren't her fault you didn't have the contract notarized. Besides, they did our LRC anyway," said the Pirate Queen.

"Aye, that they did, but what about DaveM, him bein' half insane and no use to anyone."

The Pirate Queen sighed, "That weren't her fault, either, RedJack."

"Oh, bloody 'ell! Well, maybe she can help him get back to normal."

The Pirate Queen and RedJack went into the lobby and registered all the crew. As thet turned from the desk, they were completely surprised to run smack-dab into.........



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

.....Arlo Guthrie. The REAL Arlo Guthrie.

Janis and Pat, the Lawyer-Monster beamed.

"Arlo," said Janis, "how nice to see you again. How have you been?"

"Oh, I ain't been too bad, except when I'm comin' into Las Angelleess."

They all laughed at the rather obscure reference. Arlo was toting a guitar case and Pat asked him if he's been performing.

"Yeah, I got invited up to that castle on top of that-there mountain," he replied, pointing to the castle that Janis had done the LRC just the night before.

"The owner said he'd contribute $10,000 to my favorite charity for a private show. I'm goin' tonight."

Janis and Pat, the Lawyer-Monster looked at each other.:confused:

Janis said, "...........



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

".....Arlo, there's something about that castle and the people around here you need to know....."

Arlo cut her off, "....Ya mean that everyone looks like they's dead?"

Janis and Pat looked at him with mild surprise.

Arlo continued, "That don't bother me none. I played to that kind of audience at the 'Uptown' Theater in Kansas City in '77. Buncha walkin' zombies, they was."

The pair followed him to a table that was close to the fireplace. The trio ordered some coffee and continued their conversation.

"That castle," began Janis, "is the ancestral home of Vlad Tepis, Arlo. Pat and I did some research today and found out that it hasn't been inhabited for several centuries, yet, last night we played to a full house....."

"That's not all," said Pat, "the people in this village walk around as if they're in some sort of fog. When someone looks at you, it's like they're looking through you. The whole thing reminds me of a Twisted Tales or Somerset Holmes<----(Google) comic book."

Janis laughed, "Too bad Harlan isn't here right now. He'd get a kick out of this!"

"Who?" asked Pat and Arlo.

---------------------------



The Pirate Queen, with RedJack's help, got their crews checked into the inn. The party had taken all the available rooms and were now busy getting settled in.

Hoops and Sister Rose had resisted the urge to go on a "joy flight" and were now deciding on the next mis-adventure, while Margay, DavidUK, RandyPA and a few of the others kept an eye on half-insane DaveM.

None of them could've forseen the terrifying events about to transpire over the next few hours.........




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

PART 2: Night of the Living Harlan, or
How I Learned to Stop Worrying
and Love Gunz.

Harlan sat down at the key-board in front of his computer and sighed as he saw well over 300 e-mails ready to be read and answered.

"Oh, Bazz-Fazz!" He said aloud to no-one in particular.

Most of the e-mails he recieved were from adoring, gushing fans who would always begin by writing, "Dear Mr. Ellison, You don't know me, but I'm a sci-fi writer too, and...."

Others, however, were remarkably well thought out and well written.

As he scanned the page on the screen, one e-mail caught his attention. It was from a fan alright, but not just any fan.

He slowly and carefully read the message, and then read it again in hopes of figuring out if it was a joke, or a real plea for help.

He copied down the cell-phone number given at the bottom of the message and headed to his phone.

He dialed and in a few seconds, was happy to hear the sweet voice of his fan, Janis.

The conversation only lasted a few minutes and after he hung up, went straight to his room to start packing...for Transylvania!

----------------------------


Pat, Arlo and Janis were waiting in the relative comfort of the village livery. As they waited for the coach driver to show, Arlo and Janis played guitar and sang duets all to the delight of Pat, the Lawyer-Monster. Outside, the cold rain came down and quickly chilled the air to a temperature just above freezing.

It was getting dark at the foot of Mount Baricur where the village was located and they began to wonder if the coach-driver would ever show.

Arlo was the first to spot the obiously drunken man coming from a pub just across the narrow street. What got everyone's attention, however, was the rather large bat hanging up-side down from the man's right shoulder.

When the man was a few feet away, Pat spoke. "We need you to take us up to the Castle Tepis."

"Listen," the drunken driver said, "I may be drunk, but I'm not a fool. Last night, with you two, was the first and only time for me. Get yerself someone else."

Janis smiled and said, ".........



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

"......I understand. May we please hire your coach, then?"

The driver looked to Arlo and asked, "Do you think you can handle a team of horses?"

"It doesn't matter if he can or not," said Janis. "I'm going to drive them."


------------------------------------------


Harlan pushed the button on the armrest and let the back of his seat go to it's full, rearward position. So far, he'd changed planes twice and been travelling for 18 hours. Sleep came to him quickly and he had the foresight to instruct the flight attendant not to wake him until it was time to land.

As he drifted off to sleep, he remembered meeting her at WorldCon, and how pleasent and down to Earth she was. He'd always enjoyed her music and felt genuine pleasure being in her company. Now, he was flying half-way around the world to a country rich in history and superstition to help her out. How, he wasn't quite sure, but something was happening, and he wanted to be a part of it.

------------------------------------

The delagation of Rudies gathered on the ramp at TIA, patiently waiting for the airplane to arrive with Janis' special guest.

Hoops, Oak Kitten, Sister Rose, Margay and RedJack were supposed to meet Harlan and help him get settled at an Inn that was close to their own. Later, he was to be escorted to Castle Tepis.

RedJack saw the plane land and begin to taxi to the dis-embarking area.

"Hoops, Sister Rose and Oak Kitten, I want you to.........



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher (So, I'm insane am I??!!)

[Annie's Dad]

".....wait here to greet the scribe we he gets off that flyin' machine. Get him to the inn and put some supper in his gullet. When he's finished, get him up the mountain and inside Poenari <---(Thanks Gummi) Castle."

Hoops asked, "What're you going to do, Cap'n?"

"Me and the idjit coffin-builder have some work to do. This is Transylvania and the dim-wit and the poop factory on his shoulder are finally useful."

RedJackRyan looked over to the coffin-builder and said, "C'mon with me, and bring that ink-well suckin', swamp wimp of a turkey-vulture with ye. Yer gonna earn yer keep for a change."

"Der, der, der, der," Relied the coffin-builder.

"Squawk....Brat-bird, brat-bird," replied Sunshine.

-----------------------------------

It was dark, rainy and cold and the primitive cobbled road was as bumpy as it was steep.

Janis sat up front, experty driving the team of horses. She was exposed to the elements as Arlo and Pat, the Lawyer-Monster sat inside the warm, comfortable cab compartment.

Castle Poenari was getting closer and she hoped the trip wouldn't be much longer. Janis had agreed to go back to the castle to perform with Arlo and she liked the idea of jamming with her old friend.

As they neared the gated drive to the castle, Janis noticed that a guard had been posted since last night. As they got nearer still, she saw that the guard was a Rudie from Ian Island.

She drew the coach to a stop a few feet from the wraught-iron gate and addressed the guard.

"Hello, were here for a private performance."

The guard saw that it was Janis, so he walked over to the cab and looked inside. He saw Pat, the Lawyer-monster, whom he immediately recognised from his days on the Island, and beside her, was a a man he'd never seen before.

"Evenin' Pat. Who's your friend?"

"Howdy," said Arlo. "I'm Arlo Guthrie here to perform."

The guard's eyes narrowed. "You're not Arlo Guthrie! I seen him before."

Pat, the Lawyer-Monster said, "Yes, it really is him! Let us go through, please."

Still, not quite convinced, the guard said, "Arlo, what happened to your British accent? And, what about that Kung Fu guy playin'......"

The coach and it's occupants sped off through the open gate toward the castle ruins.

"We're here," shouted Janis. "Let's get unloaded and get inside where it's not cold and rainy."

"Good idea," said Pat and Arlo at the same time.

-----------------------


Harlan walked slightly behind the small group of Rudies that had welcomed him at the airport. They were headed toward the inn that Janis had booked for him and here he was walking and carrying his heavy suitcase, without any help. He'd heard a number of tales about Rudies, and decided to associate with them....from a distance.

They soon arrived at the inn where he checked in, unpacked and ate a light supper. The jet-lag was catching up to him and he could hardly keep his eyes open, but he had to make a trip to Poenari Castle to meet up with Janis.

He washed his face and changed his shirt, then walked out to the front of the inn where the Rudies were waiting for him. He noticed that the leader of the group, Cap'n RedJack, was standing next to a large crate. Next to the Cap'n, stood what appeared to be a vacuous, drooling, blithering person with a bird on his shoulder and a banjo case in his hand.

"Arrrrr, Harlan. 'Tis good to meet ye. I be Cap'n RedJackRyan. Me partner, the Pirate Queen and me is to help ye get into yon castle. With the help of this fool and his bat wannabe, we've come up with a scheme to get ye in un-noticed."

Harlan studied the small group carefully and asked, "What's in the crate?"




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[Annie's Dad]

Janis, Arlo and Pat, the Lawyer-Monster carefully made their way into the dimly lit foyer of the castle. It was completely dark outside now and the trio was grateful to be inside out of the rain. Slowly, Janis led the way to the massive room where she had performed the night before. As they entered, each noticed the buffet table had been set up near the fireplace and was filled with platters of cheese, fresh fruits and vegatables, shrimp, and opened bottles of wine.

The room was lit with wall-sconced torches and about two dozen, overstuffed, leather chairs were set up in the same area as the previous night. The only thing missing, was an audience.


Arlo and Janis went to the front of the room to set up for the performance. Pat busied herself looking at the beautifully painted portraits that filled the stone walls.

"Ya know," said Arlo, "I don't understand. This castle is in ruins and hasn't been lived in for centuries, but it's clean and they ain't no bugs or nothin'. And who set up that buffet? Where is everyone?"

Janis and Pat, the Lawyer-Monster smiled. "Relax, Arlo," said Janis, "It was the same last night. We arrived, got set up, had a bit to eat and then everyone came in and sat down."

Pat looked at her. "Aren't you going to tell him the rest?"

"The rest of what," asked Arlo, eyes wide.

"Nothing to worry about. Let's eat and get ready to jam," said Janis.

-------------------------------------------


"Arrrrrr," RedJackRyan stammered, "That be not exactly a crate, me hearty. That would be yer way into Castle Poenari this night."

Harlan took a closer look at the oblong object. Although it was dark and rainy, he could make out hinges and handles on the side.

"Der, der, der," said the coffin-builder while motioning toward the box.

"What's he saying," asked Harlan.

"He said, 'You're to get into this custom-built coffin and we're to deliver you to Castle Poenari tonight, so we can gain entry and help Janis, Pat, the Lawyer-Monster and Arlo.' "

"Who said that," Asked RedJack.

" 'Twas I," came the reply. All eyes turned toward the coffin-builder's cockatiel.

"Yes, I am the Pirate Queen's most trusted advisor, and the most intelligent, and humble, member of this crew."

"Jeez," said Harlan, "Where's Graham Chapman's Captain charactor to say, 'this has gotten too silly,' when you need him?"

Sunshine looked at him. "Bite me," she said.




Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[aabram]

Before any one could answer, two more women approached the group. One, an older woman seemed tired, wizened by reproach way too much driving and a recent move. The other, a younger woman had a dog in tow, and it was she who spoke in a clear English accent first “Ah good. At last the rain has stopped…if I’m not mistaken, that’s Janis Ian”

“Yes” replied the other… THAT’S Janis Ian…Eva, you haven’t started smoking again have you? Let me introduce aabram. She lives in Edinburgh.”

“What breed of dog is that, aabram?” asked Redjack “Oh he’s a Llhasa Apso, much too big for your deep fat fryer, Redjack, and no. You can’t microwave him either. Better keep David UK out of sight, or Simba will eat him. Here, are there any bells round here I can ring?...”

But no one was listening, and aabram hadn’t worked out what the group was all about. wvrose put a restraining hand on aabram’s arm, and just told her to hush and follow the group.

Oh well, I'll tell you why I'm here later then....

[Annie's Dad]

I know that Janis is on tour right now and has little time, but does anyone know if she's following this thread, and if so, is she planning her revenge against us accordingly?

"I only want to be prepared," he said, sheepishly.


Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher (She has nothing to do with it, I swear!)

[Annie's Dad]

The last time, you remember, our heroes, Rocky and Bullwinkle left Frostbite Falls to attend the Whatsamatta U college reunion. Meanwhile, Boris and Natasha were recieving a reprimand from Fearless Leader in Pottsylvania.

"You two bumbling Nincompoops have failed me for the last time."

With that statement, Fearless Leader drew his Walther PPK and quickly shot them both between the eyes.

Rocky and Bullwinkle had an uneventful weekend at the reunion, drank loads of beer and made it home to Frostbite Falls with some great stories.

"Crap!" Said Fearless Leader, "I could have sent these two to Poenari Castle to finish off that hack writer, once and for all."

But, of course it was too late.

-----------------------------------------------------


The Pirate Queen and RedJackRyan looked down at the body in the coffin.

"Comfy?' Asked The Pirate Queen.

Harlan looked back up at them. "What am I supposed to do when we get inside?"

RedJack said, "You'll see when the time comes, scribe. Just relax have yerself a little shut-eye."

"Alright," said the Queen. "Let's get this loaded and get ready. We're goin' up the mountain."

The gang of Rudie/Pirates loaded the coffin into the horse-drawn hearse loaned to them by the drunken livery driver. Then, they took their positions to form a make-shift procession.

"On-ward!" Shouted RedJack.



Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher (Desparately avoiding copyright infringment problems)

[SongDragon]

((Who knows if Janis reads these. Lol. A cockatiel who within hearing distance of a small dragon says "bite me" is either ridiculously brave, or not as smart as she claims to be. Lol, this is fun to read.))

~Song

[Eva]

DaveM was tied on top of the coffin whimpering: "No lawyers, no lawyers please..." And the writer knocked now and then to see if they hadn't forgotten about him. It got a bit hard to breath in there but it was all for a good cause. So he didn't complain.
"Do I have permission to fly?" asked SongDragon. She found it a little awkward to walk uphill. Dragons are not made for that, you know. The Pirate Queen understood her troubles and said: "We have to appear a normal procession. As far as that is possible with this bunch of idiots. Fly if you need to, but just above the ground. It has to appear like we are walking or wheeling." And so the dragon did.
After a while they neared the gates of the castle...

[Annie's Dad]

Janis took her seat right next to Arlo. Although there wasn't time to put together a real play-list, she knew all of his songs and could very easily keep up with anything he wanted to play.

She looked out to the small audience of about 20 people and noticed, for the second time, they seemed not very animated. Pat, the Lawyer-Monster noticed it too as she gave Janis a concerned look. Arlo, on the other hand, didn't seem to be noticing much of anything. He was too busy playing "ukalele Lady" to see the tall gentleman in a tux enter the room.

"These LRCs are getting more and more strange," she thought to herself.

-------------------------------------------------


The procession of Rudies reached the gate of Castle Poenari right at mid-night. The same guard was standing watch and seemed to be confused about the group approaching him.

"Greetings," shouted the Pirate Queen, "We're here to see the master of this dwelling."

The guard walked over to the horse-drawn hearse and saw the coffin containing Harlan with DaveM tied to the lid.

"What's all this, then?" Asked the guard.

RedJackRyan answered, "We've come to tell yer master that Mr. Arlo Guthrie won't be able to perform tonight as he's come down with a slight case of Bubonic Plague."

"Oh, that's too bad. How bad off is he," asked the guard.

"Well, he's pretty much dead, you see. But, perhaps he'll be better by mornin'. All he needs is a good rest, and he'll be able to perform tomorrow night."

"OK," said the guard, "Who's that tied to the lid?"

The Pirate Queen said, "That be that Kung-Fu guy that...."

"Go on in," the guard said interupting her, pointing to the front entrance.

"No lawyers, no lawyers," moaned DaveM as they arrived.

As Sister Rose, Hoops, RandyPA and the coffin-buider unloaded the coffin, aabrams a wvrose conversed with RedJack and the Pirate Queen while SongDragon kept on watch.

Let me tell you why I'm here, my Queen," began aabram. "I'm here because....







Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[aabram]

..... we won the Jackpot on the Lottery last night. I’m going on to Kentucky to stay with Steve and Karen for a couple of weeks after this....(yes, Arlo, of Wiley Dew fame). They opened that show for you, do you remember? Catherine starts her Internship for PeTA soon, her new nickname is Society's Child, and St Mary's Cathedral music wants a LRC as the Lay Clerks have never heard of Janis. Besides, Society's Child's sister, Rosemary wanted me to come and ask Dee about living in Canada.....wvrose, you AFA membership's due as well, and that brings me to the other reason I'm here.....”

Some of these words fell on dead ears, but others were good news to many, as Society's Child had been lost to the Universe for centuries, and there she was, coming back at last, albeit in a different form...sent back to rid the world of the Bubonic Plague, and all other forms of disease, including Redjack's Deep Fat Fryer....all you had to do was touch her... and things came back to life.

....But where was she??????

[Annie's Dad]

"Cure all illness' and bring the dead back to life with only a touch, eh?" Repeated the Pirate Queen. "And, you won the Lottery too?"

"Yes, my Queen," replied aabrams. "I speak the truth."

The pirate Queen's eyes narrowed. "Can she cure stupidity?" She asked, nodding toward the coffin-builder.

Aabrams thought for a few moments. "Usually, yes, my Queen, but I'm afraid nothing can cure that!"

"OK, let's get this inside so we can get out of here. This place gives me the creeps."

-----------------------------


Inside, the tall gentleman was watching the performance intently. Janis and Arlo were in full swing now and even so, the audience still remained silent. As soon as they finished a rendition of "City of New Orleans," Janis stood up and said, "All right. What's going on here? Last night, you sat like zombies and it's the same tonight!"

The tall gentleman spoke, "Don't you know? They ARE zombies. MY ZOMBIES!!"

Suddenly, the audience members stood and began to slowly walk toward Janis and Arlo.

"BRAINS," they chanted, "MUST HAVE FRESH BRAINS!"

Pat, the Lawyer-Monster quickly stood and said, "If you zombies lay one hand on either of them, you'll be arrested and sued for assault!"

The zombies kept walking and chanting, "BRAINS! WE MUST HAVE FRESH BRAINS!!"

Pat ran over to Janis and Arlo and led them toward the door. At the same time, RedJack, The Pirate Queen and their crews came in, lugging the heavy coffin holding Harlan, with DaveM tied on top.

The tall man yelled, "Don't let them escape, my pets!"

Suddenly, RedJack shouted, "Throw 'em the coffin-builder. By the time they realise they'll starve to death eating his brains, we can get outta here."

Pat, the Lawyer-Monster , had made it to the door with Janis and Arlo. She looked at the coffin and the half-insane DaveM on top of it. "Don't I know you?" She asked DaveM.

DaveM took one look at her and broke the rope restraints.

"YES, YOU KNOW ME!!" He screamed. "One year ago on the island, I saw you for three minutes while waiting to see Janis. In that short time, you had me sign 24 different waivers before I could even see her. It was the most horrible thing I'd ever been through."

"Oh, yeah, I remember now. Hey, I was going through a phase, and I'd just quit drinking coffee. Sorry."

"No problem," said DaveM.

As the zombies were advancing, Ponytail, RandyPA, and RedJack grabbed the coffin-builder and flung him into the room. The zombies paused for a moment and the Tall gentleman screamed, "Leave him be, you idiots! There're no brains there! Go for the Musicians and the Lawyer-Monster!"

Then, the coffin-lid slowly opened and out stepped Harlan.

The tall gentleman froze. The zombies stopped their advance.

The guard who'd been on the gate earlier, had followed the Rudies in. Upon seeing Harlan, the guard walked up to him and asked, "Hey, Arlo! What dija think of that Kung-Fu guy playin' your dad in "Road to Glory?"

The real Arlo Guthrie jumped on a chair and said, "I'm the real Arlo, fer cryin' out loud! What's the matter with you Rudies?"

Everyone stared at him.

"Instead of asking me about that 'Kung-Fu' dude, Ask him face to face."

Arlo pointed to the tall gentleman who was standing in the shadows. When he stepped into the light, everyone gasped.

It was David Carradine.

"So, now you all know my secret," said David. "I'm afraid nothing will help you now. You're all my prisoners."

Just then, Harlan made his way to the front of the group. He reached into his jacket pocket and produced three shuricans (Throwing stars) and began throwing them at David. All three made contact with his breast-bone and stuck tight.

David Carradine looked down at the deadly stars....and began to laugh.

"Did you think it would be that easy, scribe?"

He pulled out the bloody instruments and tossed them aside, and started walking toward the group. The zombies moved out of his way. He'd made it to within a few feet of the group when they heard a dull thud, followed quickly by David falling foreward, completely knocked out.

Behind the now fallen David stood Janis holding the coffin-builder's old, Kay concrete banjo and smiling.

Seeing their leader on the floor, the zombies quickly scrambled to the buffet table and began to devour everything in sight.

"I thought zombies only ate brains," said Pat, the Lawyer-Monster.

"Yes, that's right," replied Janis, "REAL zombies eat only fresh brains. These aren't real zombies. They're just some of Harlan's fan base. It's easy to get them mixed up."





Best/stay safe
Chris & Sher

[aabram]

Chapter 3 – The Search for Society’s Child

At that moment, the Pirate Queen, aabram and the rest of the party rejoined the musicians.

“Janis, my dear,” the Pirate Queen said, “aabram has told me something I think you ought to hear. I will let aabram explain herself if you will listen. Society’s Child has returned to us, but her whereabouts is unknown. aabram is her mother, and thinks you might be able to cast some light on the subject…”

“Society’s Child????? She was lost to us years ago. We must begin the search at ONCE. I must speak with aabram…..”

aabram was brought before Janis who smiled and asked her for further details of her daughter’s whereabouts. aabram explained that since she had failed Higher History and completed her last year at school, she had sulked off to Art College without a further thought, and lost a lot of weight as a result of her refusal to eat Porkbutt. Now I don’t know where she is …” aabram wailed “…and I ask for help from the present company to find her before she disappears altogether. Her beauty would have seen off these …er… “Zombies” and cured everyone else. Had she actually PASSED Higher History, she might have been able to cure the infiltrated stupidity, but that was not to be, I fear, the reason being that they moved the goalposts which was stupidity in itself……”

aabram paused before continuing thus: “…apart from this, there is another matter I must share with you – my win of four million pounds on the UK National Lottery. I will only keep a quarter of it as there are other charities which can benefit, and I want you to have the rest for the Pearl Foundation. All I ask is you come to St Mary’s Cathedral, Edinburgh to do a “LRC” as there are many classical musicians and teachers who just MIGHT enjoy something different, and you could get many more fans from this exposure. I don’t expect you to attend a Service or hear anything else, and the acoustics in the Cathedral are FABULOUS. The Festival Concerts were wonderful, and I think you would enjoy coming to see our beautiful place.”

Janis turned to wvrose and asked how long she had been writing to aabram.

“Just a year and a half, Janis. During that time she has been a true friend.”

“Then I will do as you ask aabram. Both of you must come and join the party and share our journey.” With that she turned to Songdragon and said “Songdragon, go and have a look round for Society’s Child, dear. We need her here now, and HURRY, not a moment must be lost”

“Thank you, Janis.” aabram gushed “but first I must find Simba…”

Redjack Ryan appeared at that moment with Simba still on his lead, complaining that he had been scaring the kittens and upsetting David UK. “He was missing you aabram. He’s been causing so much trouble.”

aabram replied “Before you go Songdragon, can you take him home, please? Besides you might find Society’s Child in her room and her sister will look after Simba now. There’s some food in the fridge… help yourself.”

“And don’t return without her by your side. David UK cannot be returned to his original state without this” said Janis.

With that, Songdragon and Simba left the group for Edinburgh…. aabram turned to look at Simba’s liquid brown eyes with a tear in her own.

Ponytail rested a reassuring hand on her arm and asked her what the matter was.

Aabram faltered “Oh, don’t ask…..it’s ……

[Eva]

"...because the stench of these zombies gives me a headache. Geesh, have they never heard of water and soap? And toothbrushes? For goodness sake... look at those teeth. Even eating mushy brains is too hard with dental equipment like that... Any way, if I get a headache I will start to yawn and that causes my eyes to tear. Logical, no?"

"Of course", said David Uk...

[aabram]

"...but actually I'm used to the smell of cat litter trays, so it has to be something else.....much deeper than that. I can't describe it, but there's SOMETHING just....not.....quite.....right.....where is wvrose????????"

With that aabram burst into uncontrollable tears and at each attempt to console her, her crying just got louder.

Janis was the first to speak to aabram, but no one heard the conversation.....

[aabram]

"It transpires,” said Janis an hour later “that those “Zombies” were also members of the City of Edinburgh Council who had tried to withdraw funding from the Edinburgh Queen’s Hall where I played in April. That is why aabram was so upset, because St Mary’s Cathedral music uses the Queen’s Hall a lot, and there was a lot of fuss, the Queen’s Hall only being saved after much fuss from many other Artists. Aabram took one look and it was all she could do to keep her self-control this long. She has done well to keep as calm as she has. I will donate the required amount, whatever it takes for the refurbishment of this Hall, because I have seen it for myself….I have played there…..”

Janis continued speaking to aabram - softly now, with a calming note in her voice “Annabel, your daughter failed Higher History. I cannot do anything about that, but she is the Society’s Child, the Chosen One to lead us. It is not too late. All will be revealed on her seventeenth birthday in a place she knows well. All I have to do is sing “At Seventeen” to her on her Seventeenth Birthday, which I believe is in a couple of months’ time. That is when I will do your Lay Clerks Living Room Concert, and all Members of the JIMB are hereby ordered to come to it. I will do it last, so that the full splendour of the Magic can take place. This will be the best Living Room Concert I have EVER done. Your friends, Wiley Dew may open the show. But a word of warning… alright two: Firstly, she MUST be there – no boyfriend. Secondly you may have one reporter on stand by and that reporter must have connections with you, preferably a personal friend. This is written in the Scrolls. Be warned. Any breech and the Magic will not work in our favour”

Aabram remained speechless at Janis’s generosity. All she could have wished for had just happened. Everything she had ever dreamed about without reading between the lines had come to pass. Some of the greatest Guitarists in the world were about to descend on Edinburgh..... and she had been invited…. “I know the very person.” She managed to gasp…..”And where is wvrose? …”

“Behind you, Baggy Breeches” said a familiar voice. “I went with Songdragon and Simba in case they got lost”

“Er…I don’t understand…. We were chatting one minute, and the next you had disappeared…”

“I know, I’m sorry, but this is too important a mission to pass up. Didn’t you get my email? Stay calm, stay happy and everything will be alright….”

“Will it?” sniffed aabram… “What about the Higher History? ...Oh, Hi Love”

A vision had just joined the Party…..

[aabram]

((over to you, Chris)) lol :D

[DaveM]

uh...oh yeah....Pat's a lawyer....but she's one of the GOOD ones....

Arlo, could you take us all to Alice's Restaurant? I think there's enough of us here to fill the place. We're buying.

[Eva]

"Who are you going to buy?" asked the Kung Fu guy. "And can I come too?"

[Annie's Dad]

"Kwai Chang Caine, you have to stick with vegetarian fare. Alice's Restaraunt specialty is greasy hamburgers, no Coke..Pepsi, and chips," replied the Pirate Queen.

Kwai Chang Caine looked at her with disapproval. As he reached for his Tanto and sai, RedJack drew his cutlasa and ran him through.

"I've always wanted to do that," he said.

The "Kung Fu Guy" doubled over, then stood up, laughing with the blade in his hand.

"You can't hurt me," he said.

"We'll see about that," replied Janis. "Pat! Get him!"

"No, not the lawyer-monster," cried Kwai Chang Caine.

As Pat, the Lawyer-monster approached the Kung Fu Guy with a stack of contracts and waivers, the rest of the Rudies cheered.

RedJack said, "....

[Eva]

"I guess the pen IS sharper than the knife this time... Damn! Now I need to learn to read and write." Redjack sighed. Yes, the times were surely changing for this old greasebeard...

[DaveM]

Arlo's eyes bulged: "People're comin' from everywhere! And some of 'em brought brownies! Not me, y'know, cuz I been good for a long time. But anyway...the reason I'm telling ya this story. Well, hold on a minute. First off, I should probably tell ya all about this time when we were...."

[Eva]

Margay slapped her forhead: "My goodness! Can you do something about this guy too?"