Joke....

[mixtymotions]

"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died."

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Senor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??!!!"

"Yes Senor Rod."

"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?"

"Your wife's, Senor Rod... She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief,
so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver."

SILENCE................... , LONG SILENCE....

"Ernesto if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!"

[snakegrl]

LOL Good one Mixty.:D

[ponytail]

LMAO! And it didn't even exploit the fact that he's named Rod...

[hoops]

tail..bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

[KarenSews2]

Loving husband Ed was in trouble. He had forgotten his wedding anniversary. His wife was really, really UPSET.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds... AND IT BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning Ed got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a small box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway and brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral services for Ed have been scheduled for Friday.

[KarenSews2]

An attractive woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.

As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?"
she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," he replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her
forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her
fingers i nto his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.

"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

[KarenSews2]

An attorney got home late one evening, after a very taxing day trying to
get a stay of execution for a client, James Wright, who was due to be
hanged for murder at midnight. His last-minute plea for clemency to the
governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he got through the door at home, his wife started on him
about, "What time of night do you call this? Where have you been?" And
on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang.

The wife answered and was told that her husband's client had been
granted his stay of execution after all.

Finally realizing what a day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs to give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband's rear end as he was bent over naked drying his legs and feet.

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN DON'T
YOU EVER STOP?"

[Dar]

"They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.

He whirled around and screamed, "FOR CRYING OUT LOUD, WOMAN DON'T
YOU EVER STOP?"

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

[DaveM]

ogod....just when you think you can see them coming....

[ponytail]

Groan....so dreadful...cutting and pasting it to send several friends!:D

[aabram]

Thanks for the laughter. I shall enjoy reading my emails tonight. Time to look out some of mine....tomorrow... :)

[Denise]

This isn't any long joke but it just struck me funny: :D

"You know you are old when you start sounding like your coffeemaker!"

[Bat]

Oh, gee whiz, Karen...I whooped at that last one :D
the comments following were about as funny, too...LOL:rolleyes:

...and Denise, I hope never to get that old! :eek: :p

[KarenSews2]

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the Desk. The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today??" There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you", he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private".

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone." The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"
"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded
approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it", he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!!!!

[Bill_L]

Donald Rumsfeld briefed President Bush this morning. He told the President that 3 Brazilian soldiers had been killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the color ran from President Bush's face, then he collapsed on his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost wimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, "Just exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

[mixtymotions]

:p AHHHHHHHHH HAHAHAHAHA! I can actually visualize Bush asking that!

[aabram]

And now for a good chance to share some of the jokes I've heard recently... this might be a lesson for us all to follow :D

An INTERNATIONAL BONEHEAD AWARD
AND Darwin award goes to John Pernicky and Sal Hawkins
2005 Winners

THIS YEAR'S WINNER: The late, John Pernicky and his
friend, the late Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington,
decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the George
Washington amphitheater. Having no tickets (but having
had 18 beers between them), they thought it would be easy
to "hop" over the nine foot fence and sneak into the show.

They pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the
plan was for Mr. Pernicky, who was 100 pounds heavier than
Mr. Hawkins, to hop the fence and then assist his friend over.

Unfortunately for the late Mr. Pernicky, there was a 30foot
drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself
over, he found himself crashing through a tree.

His fall was abruptly halted (and broken, along with his arm)
by a large branch that snagged him by his shorts. Dangling
from the tree with a broken arm, he looked down and saw
some bushes below him. Possibly figuring the bushes would
break his fall; he removed his pocket knife and proceeded
to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree.

Finally free, Mr. Pernicky crashed into holly bushes. The sharp
leaves scratched his ENTIRE body and now, without the
protection of his shorts, a holly branch penetrated his rectum.
To make matters worse, upon landing his pocket knife
penetrated his thigh.

Hawkins, seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony,
threw him a rope and tried to pull him to safety by tying
the rope to the pickup truck and slowly driving away.
However, in his drunken haste, he puts the truck into reverse
and crashed through the fence, dropping 20 feet, landing
on his friend and killing him.

Police arrived to find the crashed pickup with its driver
thrown 100 feet from the truck and dead at the scene
from massive internal injuries. Upon moving the truck,
they found John under it half naked, scratches on his
body, a holly stick in his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and his
shorts dangling from a tree branch 25 feet in the air.

Congratulations gentlemen! You win! :D

The moral????? Don't go to Metallica concerts!!!!!!!!!!!

[aabram]

........or at least buy a ticket...:D

[KarenSews2]

Three old ladies named Gertrude, Maude and Tillie were sitting on a park bench in Sarasota, having a conversation, when a flasher approached. He stood in front of them and threw open his coat.

Gertrude immediately had a stroke.

Then Maude had a stroke.

But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

:D

[aabram]

Google "failure"..............

[KarenSews2]

aabram, my stepdaughter showed me that one when they were here a couple of weeks ago. <snicker>

[lucille]

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay too much time on their hands!
(Probably a son-in-law)

[Oak Kitten]

Once upon a time, back in the Middle Ages, a priest heard a faint noise outside his door. He opened it, and at first saw nothing. Then he heard a voice. "Down here!" He looked down, and there was a man lying at his feet, with no arms and no legs.

"Can you give me a job, father?" the man asks.

"What kind of work can you do?" asked the priest.

"My brother Quasimodo taught me everything he knew about working in the bell tower," the man replied.

Skeptical, but not wanting to reject this poor soul out of hand, the priest carries the man up to the bell tower and perches him next to the bell. To his surprise and pleasure, the man pushes the bell forward with his forehead and pulls away on the backswing, developing a smooth rhythym and working the bell with such great skill, that the priest hired him on. And so it went for several weeks, the limbless man happily toiling away anonymously in the bell tower calling the parishoners to services.

One day, however, perhaps due to a head cold that messed up his equilibrium or something, he leaned forward into the bell just as it was swinging back toward him. The impact launched him from the tower and he plummeted to the square below. The parishoners came streaming out of the church, peering at the poor wretch and asking aloud, "Who can this be?"

The priest arrived on the scene and announced to the crowd, (Wait for it. . .)

"I don't know his name, but his face sure rings a bell."

Ba DUM dum!

Oak

[aabram]

At the start of August I caught the St Mary's Cathedral master of the music (Simon Neiminski) struggling with the latest EU Directive .........

That all Organ Pipes should be made of........... (wait for it, WAIT for it) .................................................. .................................................. .................................................. ..............................................









glass!!!!!!!!!!! :D

And while we're on Church subjects, How many bellringers does it take to change a lightbulb?????

[aabram]

...in Edinburgh.....11... 1 to change the lightbulb, the rest to ring a peal to celebrate the event. :D ... Oh dear.. was I THAT boring?????

[KarenSews2]

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink
I feel shame Then I look into the glass and think
about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes
and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out
of work and their dreams would be shattered.

Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their
dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
~ Jack Handy

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they
wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're
going to feel all day. "
~W.C. Fields

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are
tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."
~ Henny Youngman

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."
~ Stephen Wright

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
So..... let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"
~ Brian O'Rourke

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."
~ Benjamin Franklin

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a dork. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.
Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention.
But the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
~ Dave Barry

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends
over and over again that you love them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


To some, it's a six-pack. To me, it's a Support Group -- salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went:


"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."



WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

[KarenSews2]

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

I KNOW YOU SMILED........

[DaveM]

Actually, I flinched and crossed my legs.

[DaveM]

I might be touching on one of the forbidden areas for this board, but:

I heard from a friend recently. He was in college studying animal husbandry. The trouble was that they caught him at it one night.

(stolen shamelessly from Tom Lehrer)

[KarenSews2]

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.."'T-G-I-F" means
Thank Goodness It's Friday. Get it, Duh?"

The man answered, "'S-H- I-T"' means 'Sorry, Honey, Its Thursday'.

[lucille]

http://au.pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/wmgr44/detail?.dir=mail&.dnm=bea2scd.jpg&.src=ph

There has gotta be an easier way to post photos.

[KarenSews2]

can anyone else access it?

[lucille]

Indian boy on His First Day at School in the USA


It was the first day of school and a new student named Chandrashekhar Subrahmanyam entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said "Give me Liberty, or give me Death"? She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrashekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775" he said. "Very good!"

Who said "Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?"
Again, no response except from Chandrashekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863" said Chandrashekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrashekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "**** the Indians," "Who said that?" she demanded.
Chandrashekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glares around and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Chandrashekhar says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? "Suck this!"
Chandrashekhar jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said "You little ****. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrashekhar frantically yells at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're fucked!"
And Chandrashekhar said quietly, "George Bush, Iraq, 2005."

[lucille]

The Washington Post runs a weekly contest in its Style section called
The "Style Invitational."

The requirements this week were to use the two words Lewinsky (The
Intern) and Kaczynski (the Unibomber) in the same limerick.

Remember, the following winning entries were printed in the newspaper!!

Third place:

There once was a girl named Lewinsky,
Who played on a flute like Stravinsky,
'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
On his flute made of beef
That stole the front page from Kaczynski.

Second place:

Said Clinton to young Ms. Lewinsky,
We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
Since you made such a mess,
Use the hem of your dress
And please wipe that stuff off your chinsky."

And the winning entry - First Place:

Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
What Kaczynski must surely have known
That an intern is better
Than a bomb in a letter
When deciding how best to be blown

:o

[mixtymotions]

Thank you, Lucille - I love limmericks!

[aabram]

These were wonderful!!! Thanks :D

[Judy]

My daughter sent me this one the other day:

A woman calls into work and tells her boss, "I won't be in today..I have anal glaucoma."

"What in the world is anal glaucoma?" asks the boss.

"I can't see my ass coming to work today."

[aabram]

Hmmmmmm.......keep taking the tablets, and the men in white coats will come and get you soon....Here's a nice warm white jacket for you to wear meanwhile...here let me help you. I'll do you up at the back... yes, ALL the straps. Just step this way now. Nice soft surroundings. You can't hurt yourself in here............and we outside can't HEAR YOUR SCREAMS EITHER !!!!! :D

[aabram]

I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it
all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago , I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.

What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people. :D

[Bat]

A woman was driving through Arizona, and, passing through a reservation she stopped and picked up an old Indian woman who was trudging along the highway. The old lady nodded and got in the car.
The woman who was driving tried to make small talk, but was getting nowhere with it, when the old Indian lady looked at the package on the seat and asked, "What in bag?"
"Oh", said the driver, "That's a bottle of wine I got for my husband."

"...good trade...", said the old indian lady.

[Dee]

LOL Good one, Bat. :)

[Bill_L]

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of Migration, Mohammed Omar, warned the United States that if military action against Iraq continues, Taliban authorities will cut off America's supply of convenience store managers. And if this action does not yield sufficient results, cab drivers will be next, followed by Dell customer service reps, Motel 6 managers, and liquor store cashiers.



It's getting ugly!!! :D

[Bat]

Thanks, Dee, but this has to be my all time fave:

The train was quite crowded, so the U.S. Soldier walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman's poodle. The war weary marine asked, Ma'am may I have that seat?

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular,

Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat. The marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. Please, ma'am may I sit down? I am very tired. She snorted, Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
arrogant.

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, Someone must defend my honor. Put this American in his place.

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand, you drive your autos on the wrong side of the road, and now, sir, you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!

[Dee]

LOL Yer naughty. :p