Silly Jokes

[Amy in Vermont]

..sent to me by my dad.. who you all know is 90, going strong and seriously adorable...


It's hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here
is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says,
"Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Wipe that smile off your face.

[Gummi]

Nice one, and no i will not wipe that smile of my face!

Your right, it is hard to find a joke without any harsh language today. What has the world come to?

[Dee]

LOL

With a sense of humour like that Amy, it would seem your dad is indeed "seriously adorable!"

I'm at my boyfriend Jim's for supper and overnight. Thought I'd check in while he's grilling us some steaks. I just read the joke aloud to him and he really liked it too. :D

[hoops]

hahahahahahaha that is hysterical! and i'm glad your dad shared it with you.
peace
hoops

[snakegrl]

That's just too funny. Go daddy go.

[ponytail]

I hope I can remember to tell this one at our church choir rehearsal!

(They loved the "hieroglyphics/" "Holy Mackerel" joke -- a couple of people made copies of the visual!)

[Amy in Vermont]

This one from my cousin:


Moses died and went to heaven. God greets him at the Pearly Gates. "Are you hungry, Moses?" says God. "I could eat," Moses replies. So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they share it. While eating this humble meal, Moses looks down into Hell and sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, briskets, pheasants, pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, he remains quiet.


The next day God again invites him to join Him for a meal. Again, it is tuna and rye bread. Once again, Moses can see the denizens of Hell enjoying salmon, champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates. Still he says nothing.


The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened. He can't contain himself any longer. Meekly, he says: "God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don't understand."


God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay to cook?"

[NinasSpaceChild]

Two caterpillars are crawling along the ground.

They look up and see a butterfly flying above.

One caterpillar says to the other caterpillar

"You'll never get me in one of those". :D

[SongDragon]

Lol, love the jokes!

Amy, someone in this household had a side comment on that joke: the woodpecker left an Ash hole.

~Song

[Melba]

My partner's mother (who is almost 68) told me this one the other day.

Question:
Who was the first carpenter? (of course, Jesus comes to mind)
Answer: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand


:eek:

[Eva]

Who was the first carpenter? (of course, Jesus comes to mind)
Answer: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand :eek:

:eek: I denie everything!

Eva

[hoops]

eva, she said eve not eva, you're in the clear. besides, one way to be sure to make a man horny is to tell him you are gay lol, i'm just kidding!
peace
hoops

[Melba]

eva, she said eve not eva, you're in the clear. besides, one way to be sure to make a man horny is to tell him you are gay lol, i'm just kidding!
peace
hoops
OMG....too funny!!!!!!!! Well, at least a straight man, anyhow. I have found this to be true on more than one occasion, but I don't think its ALWAYS the case ;)

[Eva]

Melba & Hoops,

I have noticed that too, yes. Or I get asked why I fall for butches. Why not have a 'real man'? *sigh* Well, it's maybe because I want a real butch woman, I guess... :rolleyes: Do you recognise that too?

Oh well...

Eva

PS: I still denie everything! :eek:

[DaveM]

Like practically every man, I've made the mistake of assuming that the woman I was talking to was hetero more than once. I'm always glad when someone explains, though a bit embarrassed. Generally I apologize, say something about my "gaydar" being out of order (which I fear is true most of the time) and we wind up having a good laugh over it. If I'd made an ass out of myself everytime I met someone who was gay (and yes, certain men in particular tend to be very good at doing so), I'd have missed an awful lot of life lessons, and some of the more interesting times of my life.

On a completely unrelated note which may well be a silly joke, I was once with a group of Mensa members who (as American Mensa members tend to do) were busy discussing abstractions that were neither especially intellectual nor of much practical use. Somehow the topic turned to: "why are male homosexuals often regarded as funny while female homosexuals are not?" To which one of the guys (a real flamer) replied (in this beautifully stereotypical voice that he could put on and take off as needed): "well, it's very simple, dahling....'cuz dykes'll beat ya up."

Happily, I haven't been beaten up once....well, perhaps not until this post.

[ponytail]

A more serious way of putting it might be: pointedly macho guys are insecure. Butch lesbians are just being sincere.

[Amy in Vermont]

Not really...

I don't need to put on airs....

But this dyke doesn't need to beat anybody up.. it just ain't nice!

I prefer to use my intellect to punish them verbally! LOL

[Eva]

Did anybody say 'butch'...? :cool:

Eva

[DaveM]

Very good point, Ponytail.

[KarenSews2]

An old man, Mr. Wallace, was living the last of his life in a nursing home.

One day he appeared to be very sad and depressed. Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

"Yes, Nurse Tracy ," said Mr. Wallace, "My Private Part died today, and I am very sad."

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Wallace, please accept my condolences."

The following day, Mr. Wallace was walking down the hall with his Private Part hanging out his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy.

"Mr. Wallace," she said, "You shouldn't be walking down the hall like that. Please put your Private Part back inside your pajamas."

But, Nurse Tracy," replied Mr. Wallace, " I told you yesterday that my Private Part died."

"Yes, you did tell me that, but why is it hanging out of your pajamas?"

You gotta love this ...

"Well, he replied, "Today's the viewing."

[KarenSews2]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her
father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye
not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand
what ye put yer old mum thru?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to
this family."

"OK, dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat,
title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate
for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the
sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus
a membership to the country club.... (takes a breath)....and an invitation
for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the French Riviera,
and....."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a hug!"