Cat Haiku

[Oak Kitten]

I got a kick out of these, I thought those of you who are owned by cats might enjoy them too:

You never feed me.
Perhaps I'll sleep on your face.
That will show you.

You must scratch me there!
Yes, above my tail! Behold,
elevator butt.

I need a new toy.
Tail of black dog keeps good time.
Pounce! good dog! good dog!

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

In deep sleep hear sound
Cat vomit hairball somewhere.
Will find in morning.

Grace personified
I leap into the window
I meant to do that

Blur of motion, then-
Silence, me, a paper bag
What is so funny?

The mighty hunter
Returns with gifts of plump birds
Your foot just squashed one.

You're always typing
Well, let's see you ignore my
Sitting on your hands.

My small cardboard box
You cannot see me if I
Can just hide my head.

Terrible battle
I fought for hours. Come and see!
What's a "term paper"?

Kitty likes plastic
Confuses for litter box
Don't leave tarp around

Small brave carnivores
Kill pine cones and mosquitoes
Fear vacuum cleaner

Want to trim my claws
Don't even think about it!
My yelps will wake the dead

I want to be close
To you. Can I fit my head
inside your armpit?

Wanna go outside.
Oh, no! Help! I got outside!
Let me back inside!

Oh no! Big One
has been trapped by newspaper.
Cat to the rescue!

Humans are so strange.
Mine lies still in the bed, then screams!
My claws aren't that sharp....

Cats meow out of angst
"Thumbs! If only we had thumbs!
We could break so much"

Litter box not there
You must have moved it again
I'll crap in the sink

The Big Ones snore now
Every room is dark and cold
time for "Cup Hockey"

We're almost equals
I purr to show I love you
Want to smell my butt?

Oak

[mixtymotions]

Oak, those are absolutely fabulous! Encore! (enthusiastic applause!)

I have a far, (really far) memory of my high school newspaper, and the creative contributions that were published. I probably do not remember this prose verbatum (my apologies to the author) but it has remained with me these many decades...

Sun spat tiled cat
whiskers tickle pat.
Another cat writhes white
fur far frayed, awaiting.
Hiss two!
Dart apart.
First round found no cat around.

[janisian]

http://www.dharmathecat.com/

[Oak Kitten]

Janis,

That website is fantastic! I can't wait to show it to my husband, the Buddhist. As far as I can tell, our four cats have no particular religious orientation, but they are definitely anarchists.

Oak

[hoops]

this is great stuff! i love cats, wish i had one again, they are so...cat like

[ponytail]

I just got up from a snuggle-turned-nap with my cat and found this thread. Purrfect!:)

[DaveM]

My cat is a Marxist of the Stalin variety and seems unwilling or unable to alter his beliefs. This may in part come from his origin--an animal shelter--where he provided rubs and a very loud motor according to his ability and I took him home out of need. He is all too happy to continue the arrangement assuming the food and litter box are in order and he gets to go outside to preach the word to other cats (even though he hates them) regularly. From time to time he returns with small offerings--most commonly the tails of mice.

He occasionally deigns to sleep with me (as a good collectivist, he sneers at having his own bed). There he snuggles and purrs and occasionally develops paranoid suspicions that a plot is afoot and digs everything sharp he has into my arm or leg.

[mixtymotions]

Cat Physics

**Law of Cat Inertia:
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some
outside force, such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying
mouse.

**Law of Cat Motion:
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there is a really good
reason to change direction.

**Law of Cat Magnetism:
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct
proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

**Law of Cat Thermodynamics:
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat,
in which case all heat flows to the cat.

**Law of Cat Stretching:
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap
just taken.

**Law of Cat Sleeping:
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as
uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

**Law of Cat Elongation:
A cat can make his body long enough to reach just about any counter top
that has anything remotely interesting on it.

**Law of Cat Acceleration:
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready
to stop.

**Law of Dinner Table Attendance:
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

**Law of Rug Configuration:
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

**Law of Obedience Resistance:
A cat's resistance varies in proportion to a human's desire for him to
do something.

**First Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will,
therefore, use as little energy as possible.

**Second Law of Energy Conservation:
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

**Law of Refrigerator Observation:
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along
and take out something good to eat.

**Law of Electric Blanket Attraction:
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed
of light.

**Law of Random Comfort Seeking:
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable
spot in any given room.

**Law of Bag / Box Occupancy:
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the
earliest possible nanosecond.

**Law of Cat Embarrassment:
A cat's irritation rises in direct proportion to his embarrassment
times the amount of human laughter.

**Law of Milk Consumption:
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

**Law of Furniture Replacement:
A cat's desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the
cost of the furniture.

**Law of Cat Landing:
A cat will always land in the softest place possible.

**Law of Cat Disinterest:
A cat's interest level will vary in inverse proportion to the amount of
effort a human expends in trying to interest him.

**Law of Pill Rejection:
Any pill given to a cat has the potential energy to reach escape
velocity.

**Law of Cat Composition:
A cat is composed of Matter + Antimatter + It Doesn't Matter.
:D

[Dee]

The rule for today.
Touch my tail, I shred your hand.
New rule tomorrow.

That about sums it up. :p

[KarenSews2]

Especially the one about the Big One being trapped by the newspaper!